How would you encapsulate the essence of Mariah Carey into a fragrance?

It's a toughie, that's for sure. We're not entirely certain that her insipid brand of ballad-mewling would translate into a nasal environment – at least not without making all those who catch a whiff of it wanting to vomit until their faces melt.

Yet cosmetics giants Elizabeth Arden have decided – like some crazy mad scientists cackling at the blood-red moon – to unleash such a perfume onto the world.

And you thought Bird Flu was a cause for concern.

In what is undoubtedly a million-billion-billion dollar deal, Carey scribbled her name onto a contract with the company and is now expected to:

"…develop and market her own line of fragrance products which will debut in department stores next year."

As this all early days, the name of this satanic concoction has yet to be released. Presumably something disarmingly honest like Mariah Carey's Squirty Bottle Of Tat will be out of the question, and instead we're all going to be subjected to 'arty' black-and-white advertisements for a fragrance named Purity (or some such nonsense) whenever we step outside.

What baffles hecklerspray more is why anyone would want to splash on this perfume in an effort to be 'like' Mariah Carey ('look, everybody! I'm shallow, vapid and essentially talentless as well!'). A desire presumably held by thousands of overweight chav-ladies the nation over, smearing this stuff all over themselves before heading down to the local Wetherspoons to drink eighteen Bacardi Breezers and have a fight with Tracey from checkout 3.

A "sweet, sweet fantasy"? Not pissing likely.

Read More:

Carey To Launch New Scent – Teen Hollywood

[story by C J Davies]