Listen, we’re going to tell you this, but you absolutely mustn’t care about it. If you do, we’ll find you and attack you.

OK, ready? Mariah Carey’s got engaged. Ta-daaaaah! Do you care? No, no you don’t – and that’s the way it should be. But wait, what if we tell you that Mariah Carey has got engaged to Nick Cannon? Do you care now? No, of course you don’t, because you don’t know who Nick Cannon is. Nobody does.

So what about this – Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have known each other for less than two months, which means the chances of this ending in a way that’s messy andembarrassing for all is sky-high? Yeah, now you care. Doesn’t matter. We’re still coming to beat you up.