Now, when you’re Mariah Carey it’s important that you have the right image – and that image is of a massive, slightly chavvy, slag.
That’s why Mariah Carey only makes music videos that feature her wriggling around in a bra or splashing about in a bikini in slow motion, and it’s also why Mariah Carey only releases songs called Touch My Body or Squeeze My Knockers or Stare Up My Bumhole. Appearing to be constantly sexually available is Mariah Carey’s one promotional cornerstone.
And that explains Mariah Carey’s alleged rage at husband Nick Cannon for telling the world that Mariah enforced a strict ‘no sex before marriage’ policy upon meeting him. Mariah Carey not instantly thwapping it all on a plate? That’s the kind of loose talk that destroys careers! Luckily Mariah Carey is a pro, so she’s fixed the problem herself by heavily implying that she sucked Nick off a bunch of times before the wedding. No joke.
Mariah Carey’s genitals have been in the news to a terrifying degree lately, haven’t they? As well as being the insinuated focus of every song she’s recorded in the last five years, we’ve also had to put up with all kinds of talk about their role in aiding the pregnancy that Mariah Carey gets so jittery talking about.
But that’s not all, not by a long margin. You see, Mariah Carey’s husband Nick Cannon has also been recruited into this rolling vaginal news cycle, which is why he recently told anyone who’d listen that Mariah Carey wouldn’t have sex with him from the day they met until the day they were married. Which, by our calculations, works out at slightly less than two days.
Oh, that’s not true. Actually it was two months. But anyway, by discussing their sex life so candidly, Nick Cannon broke the sacred bond of trust he had with Mariah Carey – the trust that silently implies to the world that Mariah Carey will have it away with anyone she likes, whenever she likes, while probably making a noise a bit like a dolphin on a rollercoaster.
It’s OK, though, because Mariah Carey knows exactly how to deal with situations like this – yes, she might have caved into peer pressure and had a two-month stretch of vague chastity, but that doesn’t mean she couldn’t be a teensy bit slaggy. SFGate reports:
She says “Why did he tell that story? He just told people… I didn’t want him to let everybody know that but I never said anything about it; I didn’t say, ‘Don’t tell people’.” But Carey insists it’s not as if they were complete innocents in the run up to their fairytale wedding: “We were intimate but weren’t completely intimate in the biblical sense.”
An expert intervention, Mariah. We’ll admit that we were worried about you for a second there. But, no, by alluding to a possible blowjob or – at the very least – a grubby couple of tugs on your boyfriend’s little soldier, you have absolutely restored your dignity to its previous levels.
But still, at least now we can see why Nick Cannon got married to Mariah Carey so quickly – it was because she made him wait for sex. There’s a message there, girls – if you want a boy to marry you, withhold sex.
Oh, and be so incredibly rich and famous that he’ll propose before he even knows you properly, because he understands that you’ll buy him all the crap he could possibly ever wish for and then get piles of cash when he invariably divorces you after the first couple of years. That helps too, we hear.
Mike says
Nick: “Sing into the mircophone, Mariah.”
Linsay says
I just think it’s nobodys business what their doing who really gives a shit if they did or didn’t have sex. It would piss me off I got with some guy I planned to marry and he couldn’t get it up TO LATE! your stuck yea right ha! ha! I’m sure shit like that happens in the real world NOT!
macy says
heckle spray…the most upfront honest to the “T” i’ve read. mariah carey; i never cared for. i rather listen to beyonce.
Shooty* says
Lohan? Is that you?
jerryjet says
Welcome to the real world Nickiboy!
Julian Mentat says
You keep hearing about “intimate in the biblical sense” etc. so you’d think the Bible is a steamy load of filth, but I just read the whole thing and IT’S NOT. Complete waste of time.
shooty* says
ARGH! I can’t decide if monster munch or Julian Mentat is my new favourite poster.
Sorry, gir.
stephanie says
who gives a shit…..??
not i…what she does with her body is her business…
if she wants the image of a whore, then by all means, who are we to judge??!@?!
cynthia says
Who cares if or what 2 consenting adults did or didnt do.What a waste of gosip space.lol
Queen says
Well I saw and heard Nick Cannon make the statement on video(mariah daily journal). It was not to make his wife feel uncomfortable or shame at all. He also continue to state that that’s how you get a husband young ladies not giving it up to soon.It was a statement that he made. Mr. Heritage I know this is your job and this is how you make your money. Mariah and Nick doesn’t need to make statements at all to news reporters or to the media because their statements are always taken out of content. It is disrespectful for you to guess what they did together or not,just because Mariah didn’t have sexual intercourse. We as people are so disrespectful these days and just really don’t care what comes out of our mouths or what we type about people anymore. I feel sad/sorry for people like you who are not happy with themselves without bashing others. Just Sad, nothing good at all.
souris says
> […] Mariah Carey will have it away with anyone she
> likes, whenever she likes, while probably making a
> noise a bit like a dolphin on a rollercoaster.
Thank you for making me laugh so hard that I had to hold my sides so that my innards wouldn’t all spill out all over the floor. Because, really, that’s JUST how I’ve always imagined her.
You’re beautiful.
(I feel so OLD now
irish gemini says
I completely agree with souris.
Good times
Anita says
For real, people like Mariah Carey are human spirits whose aim is to destroy the dignity embeded in womanhood. At her age she can’t rest, always there to destroy tender minds and lives of young gullible boys. Who knows the exact thing she told Nikki.
Meanwhile, Nikki, you are a big loser by agreeing to be decieved. Infact, i am seeing it that you marry your own mother and also making love to her.
It’s a pity Nikki and a Shame Mother Maria!
U.D says
I heard she has a daughter, what information is she passing to her? Is it ”Go ahead and be a whore” or ”my daughter when you get married, and ur man misbehaves, dont take it! DIVORCE him and marry a small boy to become the sugar MUMMY”?.
Meanwhile, i think i have diagonise her, she is suffering from… PSYCHOSEXUAL DEFORMITY!
Please correct my grammer if i’m wrong.
U.D says
I heard she has a daughter, what information is she passing to her? Is it ”Go ahead and be a whore child” or ”my daughter when you get married, and ur man misbehaves, dont take it! DIVORCE him and marry a small boy to become the sugar MUMMY”?.
Meanwhile, i think i have diagonised her, she is suffering from… PSYCHOSEXUAL DEFORMITY!
Please correct my grammer if i’m wrong.