No-one can spark frantic message-posting like Live 8 warbler Mariah Carey (CDs). Anyone who’s witnessed previous hecklerspray coverage of her antics will have firsthand knowledge of this – fans scrambling to defend their ‘idol’ like mad taste-devoid chipmunks.

And she’s had a fair old time of late. Not only has Mariah’s sister been arrested for general prostitution malarkey, the R&B burbler now has to put up with being compared to a sausage on a German chat show.

Comedian Oliver Pocher was on the TV show Gottschalk & Friends – presumably the Deutschland equivalent of our ever-so-hilarious Tonight With Jonathan Ross – when he made the remarks. He eyed up Carey – squeezed into a tight-fitting dress – and asked "what do you call a stuffed sausage in English?"

Needless to say, Mariah wasn’t a happy bunny. Her response: "There are too many men here. You’re not being fair." Pocher simply shrugged this off, even later admitting that – when he leaned over and whispered to another fellow guest – "we were discussing the cellulite Ms. Carey has on her legs."

Okay, now. Stay calm. Pour yourself a drink or something. You’re about to see something out of the ordinary, to say the least.

hecklerspray is about to defend Mariah Carey.

No, no. Don’t get us wrong. There are a number of things Pocher could have said that would have us nodding with puppy-dog-eager agreement. "You’re an overprivileged ‘diva’ whose demands far exceed your wasted talent," for example. "Your records are about as entertaining as snorting ground-up fibreglass," would have been good. "Your Hyde Park Live 8 exploits were nothing short of vomit-inducing" would have worked well.

But fat?

Let’s get one thing straight. hecklerspray has seen fat girls. hecklerspray has seen multi-chinned leviathans, flab bunched up over pedal-pushers, chunkily wobbling around like Triceratops with makeup. Oh, yes – hecklerspray has experienced a night out in Newcastle.

Mariah Carey isn’t fat. And – on the off-off-off chance she’s reading this – you can take that to heart, love. You may be a culturally-irrelevant, soulless harpie of the highest order, but you’re pretty damn fine-looking nonetheless.

Mind you, have you seen Mel C (CDs) recently? Like an escape pod crash-landing on a planet of pies, we tell you…

[story by C J Davies]