Elvis Presley may have shaped the modern notion of what popular music is, but was he ever the cover star of a '100 Hottest Body Tips From The Stars' special issue of People magazine?
No he wasn't. But Mariah Carey is. Thus Mariah is better than Elvis Presley.
And Mariah Carey isn't just better than Elvis Presley at having a beach fit bikini body, either – Mariah Carey is also better at music and stuff as well. It's true – Mariah Carey has notched up her 18th American number one single, while rubbish old Elvis Presley only managed to get 17 before he snuffed it. Mariah is the new Elvis! Yay! That means we'll be able to dress up like her and ghoulishly traipse around her house when she dies! Yay!
Elvis Presley has been dead for 30 years, but he still has a lot going for him – he's richer than any other dead person, plus he left behind an overweight daughter and mangle-faced wife. And how do we repay Elvis Presley for these two lovely – if slightly startling – gifts to the world? By wrestling everything he holds dear out of his fat dead hands and giving it to Mariah Carey, that's how.
Mariah Carey's new single Touch My Body – as well as possibly being a weird insurance scam – is number one in the Billboard Hot 100 chart. And, as you'd expect for the white-hot talent responsible for hits like Fantasy, That Other Song, The One About Touching Her Body, The High-Pitched One and The Song That Sounds Like The Song About Touching Her Body, number one records are nothing new for Mariah Carey at all.
In fact Touch My Body is Mariah Carey's 18th American number one, which is more American number ones than that useless turd Elvis Presley ever flipping got. BBC News reports:
"I'm just feeling really happy and grateful," the 38-year-old performer told the Associated Press. "I really can never put myself in the category of people who have not only revolutionised music but also changed the world, that's a completely different era and time," she said."In terms of my ethnicity, always feeling like an outsider, always feeling different… for me it's about saying, 'Thank you Lord, for giving me the faith to believe in myself when other people had written me off."
Although congratulations are due to Mariah Carey for surpassing one of the most famous men who ever lived, she should remember that beating Elvis Presley at stuff is actually quite easy. This morning alone, for example, we beat Elvis Presley at arm-wresting, Guitar Hero and Pin The Tail On The Donkey. And, honestly, if he hadn't creeped us out so much during that staring contest we'd have creamed him at that too.
You see, while Mariah Carey has had more number one records than Elvis, she still needs three more number one records to beat all-time champions The Beatles. And you know what that means, don't you? It means that Mariah Carey isn't going to retire until she's released at least another three insipid, instantly forgettable R&B pop ballads. Joy.
Read more:
Maurice Colgan says
The news has generated more than 500 articles so far because Elvis Presley was the the greatest singer ever in popular music.
Otherwise why would hacks working for peanuts be so busy attempting to put Elvis down..after him being more than 30 years dead. The guy certainly had a an impact..didn’t he just. LOL.
Youngsters cannot help but notice Elvis remains the measure of great success!!!
gir says
Elvis isn’t just the measure for commercial success…Take a look at these statistics, compiled by the Elvis Comparison Center:
Did you know that:
–The current fattest celebrity, Michael Moore, weighs only 0.85 Elvises? While Harry Knowles does tip the scales at a whopping 1.25 Elvises, he is not famous enough to be included in the calculation. The fattest singer, Mid-90s era John Popper, topped out at 0.99 Elvis, but fell off the pace thanks to gastric bypass surgery.
–The most flamboyant celebrity, Liberace, set the standard with a 95% rhinestone ratio versus Elvis. No one has even come close lately, with the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew managing only a collective 0.77 (adjusted for deprecation of rhinestones and inflation of lisps).
–The most memorable celebrity death, the autoerotic asphyxiation of Michael Hutchence, barely manages a 50% hilarity ratio to the King dying on the crapper! That’s a lot of ground to make up, and experts do not expect any upcoming celebrity deaths to be a serious contender, unless Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse somehow pool their collective neuroses and addictions into a double-death extravaganza.
Matthew Laidlow says
Gir, that comment had me spitting tea in to my computer. Bravo.
Jim Burrows says
Stuart you seem to think that most of your readers are not smart enough to read through the lines. I think it is the opposite, only some of us do , but one thing’s for sure: you’re right on the money about the ludricous nature of the comparisons that are made, but you use all the wrong variables. In short, Presley is the mega icon he has become not because of the records he’s set, those arev meant to be broken, but precisely because of the action and reaction rule which applies to people commenting, and commenting, and commenting about him, or about his background, since he first arrived on the scene 50 years go,
The more he is ridiculed, the bigger, the more interesting, the more fascinating he becomes to the undiscriminating amongs the general public, which whether you like it or not continues nnd shall continue to be the majority. So, Mr Heritage, keep writing the way you do.
Maurice Colgan says
Pavarotti weighed in off scale too LOL.
But selectivity can gain you gir just a gramme of wit.
Elvis’s hit songs generated huge sales numbers and were very well known by teenagers and adults alike.
Generations of impotent hacks have done little to stem the world-wide interest in Elvis’s beautiful voice as popular today as it ever was..if not more so going by all the Elvis Festivals from Tupelo Mississippi to a great many cities in Europe and elsewhere around the world.
Toilet humour I leave to adolescents. Even here in Irelandtoo. LOL.
gir says
Don’t limit yourself to toilet humor, there are potentially HUNDREDS of offensively broad brushes we can use to paint Elvis. Here’s a small sampling:
Rednecks? Compare Elvis to Dale Earnhardt and watch the inbred hicks soil themselves condemning you and your pantywaist liberal ideals!
Violent egotists with huge firearm collections? Charlton Heston’s still around, although probably not for long!
Humorless dickheads? Well, you’ve managed to take the title from him. Way to go, you colossal titty.
euclid says
I’m a fucking idiot! LOL!
I find my own comments so amusing,
I have to type an acronym to show that
I’m laughing at my own jokes! LOL!
First off, everyone knows that the true measure of an artist’s impact
are the number and amount of collectibles (decorated plates, bobble-heads,
lunch boxes, black light posters, etc., ad nauseum) inspired by the artist.
It’s the tonnage of ancillary crap that makes the man, not
stupid record sales. If music had anything to do with our idolatry,
she would have been capped long ago. And what exactly does
her ethnicity have to do with her crappy homogenous mind-crushingly
vapid soul-eating music? She has more in common with your
average computer virus than any human being I’ve ever met;
SHE IS AN ALIEN.
ps. great one gir; hat’s off
mst3kster says
Until Mariah came along, the only person who sucked worse and was more overrated than Elvis was Frank Sinatra.
ps. gir, euclid – LOL!!
Maurice Colgan says
gir, You could be right.
Yet hundreds of millions of people including musicologists and John Lennon were all convinced about Elvis Presley being important because of his astounding voice.
Like Oscar Wilde said many of us are lying in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.
Now back to conversing with adults. :-)
Stuart Heritage says
You kids are on fire today. Wonderful. Gold stars all round.
euclid says
MC Franc Eire – 147 million people voted to re-elect Bush.
So what is the opinion of hundreds of millions worth, exactly?
But you sway me with the musicologists citation, yes,
most definitely. I mean musicologists, well, there you are.
If it weren’t for musicologists, I’d likely just stick to
reading books. As long as there were critics to help me decide what to read.
As for the erst godhead, form of Lennon, a wild speculation here:
perhaps it was the fame and not solely the music that set the torch ablaze.
Oscarwise, if you’re going to lie, you should at least have the courtesy
to do it standing up. No one respects a lazy liar, even a celestial one.
As a footnote, conversations that only occur in your head don’t strictly count.
Whoop! Recess is over, gotta run!
Maurice Colgan says
Euclid, Yes but the George W Bush Voters changed their minds fairly rapidly. :-) He is reviled throughout the world, where on the other hand, Elvis is loved. Decade after Decade.
Clever use of language is not a sign of intelligence. Even ancient Greeks knew that.
Ludwig Van Beethoven’s beautiful music endures along with all the hundreds of items of Beethoven memorabilia sold at the Beethovenhaus museum in Bonn and elsewhere.
Beethoven’s “Irish” symphony, the magnificent 7th, is a personal favourite.
He too is revered by musicologists and those of us with discerning ears. :-)
The truth of Sergeant Elvis Presley goes marching on, and on. :-)
“Before Elvis there was nothing” John Lennon.
“Elvis Presley was the greatest force in 20th Century Culture”. Berstein.
Now back to serious discussions, with my very bright grandchildren.
Snitch says
Litmus test for me.In 100 years they will still listen to, and talk of ,Elvis and Lennon.In 100 years they will say Maria Who ? Kylie Who.? Vapidity,and image means nothing except the commercial and corporate worship of money at expense of excellence.Millions today worship such mediocrity as it is so nonthreatening..Maria ,Kylie.. in the end their time will up and they will ALL be thankfully forgotten.Sooner the better for me.
Imitation is not the highest form of compliment.It is the lowest form of talent, wit, creativity and is the lot of the second handers of life.
gir says
“Now back to conversing with adults.”
“Now back to serious discussions, with my very bright grandchildren.”
He’ll be talking to ferrets next, extolling the virtues of Presley’s early catalog with its complement of Gospel standards, as well as his Vegas performances of Bernstein-influenced conducting of Beethoven’s Eroica and incidentally when did you get so furry Jim? Well at least you still have your intelligence and flexible backbone, very important characteristics of a renowned musicalologist.
Ah, I see you are chewing on that limited edition pressing of Sergeant Pepper’s, it may interest you to know what John Lennon (a man so thoroughly impressed by YOKO ONO that he gave her a band) said about Elvis…Why are you running under the La-Z-Boy. You are just the cutest musicologician I ever did see…YES YOU ARE…YES YOU ARE
Maurice Colgan says
gir, Did you ever take up so much time discussing the late Elvis Presley with a pensioner before?
Ferreting out the facts about Elvis, Beethoven, and Lennon is just a little fun for this particular music lover. Leonard Berstein knew a thing or two, his talks on Beethoven are on youtube and well worth a listen.
The Eroica by the way is another of my favourite Beethoven Symphonies…….along with the other 8.
But methinks we have strayed a little from the topic.
The Elvis bashers have been at it since 1956…and here we are in 2008 and their aim has not improved in the least :-)
Therefore I rest my case. Elvis Lives.
euclid says
MC McStuffy-
Politics are obviously not your strong suit (King George still enjoys a 30% approval rating in the US, has not been impeached, etc.) so we’ll leave that to the side.
Actually clever use of language IS a sign of intelligence. It is not the same
thing as intelligence, or knowledge, or wisdom. But it is an indicator of brains, most definitely. Even the Ancient Egyptians knew that. (I think it’s in Gilgamesh too.)
Not that your point matters as your beloved Shitter God Elvis was not especially linguistically gifted despite the sonorous pipes.
What the fuck has Beethoven got to do with this? Are you seriously putting him on the same plane as Fat Elvis? Astonishing. Discerning ears indeed.
As for the opinions of our beloved musicologists, did your discerning ears bring their
wisdom into your life, or your discerning eyes? Must you read an opinion to
validate your experience? How then are your ears discerning?
Lenny was a great guy, a lot of fun at parties, but I think the greatest force of the
20th c. was probably the one that got unleashed on Hiroshima. Not Fat Elvis.
Just my opinion, mind.
My best to the imaginary grandkids. Hope they’re doing well despite the
constant drone of Elvis/Beethoven mash-ups. Seriously, have you heard Elvis
sing the Ninth? Devastating. As for Ludwig’s version of Houndog, well…
gir says
Has anyone ever told you that you are well and truly boring? Good god, it’s like you’re a black hole for wit, humor, and irony.
Maurice Colgan says
Wow! did I hit a nerve or two. ( A rhetorical question of course)
Approval ratings in the US? A little too parochial for this guy. A student of history before you were born.
Imaginary grandkids? What does that make my great-grandson, Cole? :-)
When fools attempt to denigrate Elvis Presley, the greatest and most versatile voice in popular music, I cannot help but feel like a genius in comparison.
Me boring? Only to those lacking imagination.
You miss the irony of your situation. See my Blogspot by clicking on my name. It’s funny!
Bye bye.
gir says
Haha wow. You have got to be the only person in history whose obsessive fixation on a celebrity does not render them at least passably interesting in any meaningful way.
mst3kster says
Elvis was an icon of his generation because he way different from anyone else back then (just like Little Richard.) He’s only an icon today because it’s forced upon us by the older populace; even though I will argue with myself that because of the trickle down affect, he’ll remain popular for years to come (like inbreeding in the rural south).
If Elvis had been born 50 years later and performed on today’s American Idol, Simon would become heterosexual and Paula would voluntarily go to rehab. Elvis would be forced back to his fry-cook job at KFC.
My vote for the greatest and most versatile voice in popular music: Freddie Mercury.
euclid says
Bye Maurice! It’s been boring!
No hard feelings, though! No hard thoughts!
Elvis is King! Glad to make you feel like
a genius (though your standards in that particular
regard might bear some thought).
Sorry I missed the irony! My parochial self has trouble with worldly
Irish poly-valence. But don’t worry! Maybe I’ll understand later!
I’ve been reading history! A great book! Guess how it ends?
IronEddie says
Frankly , that new Mariah carey single is one of the biggest piles of crap i’ve ever heard. How the hell people get pleasure in listening to that bland R&B shit is beyond me.
Maurice Colgan says
Euclid, we are all insane animals on this unfinished planet because of the Sun. It’s limited supply of fuel does not worry those of us with a just little history to complete.
Because of Elvis Presley’s historic Sun recordings from Memphis we are here in the first place. :-)
Coincidently I borrowed the 2007 book “101 World Heroes” by Camridge and Oxford scholars from our very well stocked nearby library just yesterday, and there is Elvis amongst the likes ofh Tolstoy, Einstein, Beethoven, Mozart and lincoln etc.
Back in 1957 aged 15 I first heard Elvis and knew instinctively his voice was far superior to the popular singers of the time. We have all been waiting for the next Elvis but so far no new singer has come anywhere near his range. Good luck to Mariah but she aint no Maria Callas!
It’s been fun teasing you guys. Especially when you respond time and again to boring stuff. :-)
No hard feelings. My “Bye bye” was a fib :-) Great- grandpas in their third childhood are allowed a little mischief.
http://irelandtoo.blogspot.com
Brett says
At least Mariah writes her own music. Not many artists do today. And yeah she beats the Beatles because she has spent more weeks at #1 then they did. Yeah their record of 20 #1’s are going to be left in the dust when she reaches 21.
nostromo says
You know Mariah Carey started regaling us all with her performances in 1990..that means it has taken her 18 years to approach the Beatles’ record of hits. Their career lasted 8 years total as a recording group.
gir says
It’s been fun teasing you guys. Especially when you respond with a lot of words I won’t read.
Maurice Colgan says
“gir Says:
April 7th, 2008 at 1:25 pm
It’s been fun teasing you guys. Especially when you respond with a lot of words I won’t read.”
I’m retired. What’s your excuse?
Of course you read my words. They charm the unwary. They console the troubled.
BRETT. Pavorotti and company did not write Operas.
Beethoven I’m sure was troubled his nine symphonies were not 40, like Mozart’s, by Jupiter! :-)
Stabby McGee says
Mariah Carey’s videos are actually pretty tolerable with the sound muted. Maybe there’s a market out there for Mariah videos overdubbed with Elvis music?
gir says
Dance, my little puppets. I may look like a retard obsessed with defending a dead fat guy on a satirical website, but in actuality I’m quite well adjusted…Oh yes, I enjoy toying with you, it is one of the pleasures of my few remaining years.
As an aside, I intend to eat just an insane amount of Metamucil and cheese, and let the two fight it out as I sit on the commode and wait to expire, just like my hero.
euclid says
Maurice! You play!
(with yourself, alas…) [dumb-ass smiley face here, LOL!]
We live in different worlds, you and I.
Part of me wants you to get down off that shamrock
and join the human family, but another part
is dimly cognizant that I too one day shall be adrift
in my dotage, at which point reality will likely serve only
as a cruel affront, and therefor wish you the very best
in the fashioning of your own dream kingdom.
After all, what is the nature of these marbles we prize so highly
when losing them results in happiness? Have at it MC!
Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself…
Maurice Colgan says
You guys are out of your league. Yours truly defending a very famous dead guy has you on the hook ;-)
Wriggle a little more.
I have many more lines to ensnare the self absorbed.
Why are we discussing the late Elvis Presley anyway.. now there’s the rub. :-)
I’d do the same for Ludwig! Even in my dotage………whenever it arrives.
gir says
Yes, wriggle, little worm. You shall be but a small snack for the Largemouth Colgster. Oh? More criticism of ELVIS!!!???? Very well, allow me to ensnare you in my internet trap. Hah, I am quite clever….
Yes indeed, I COULD go outside, but I would not deprive you of the comeuppance you so richly deserve….eaten by an redneck worshipping fish; ironic indeed…if you have no understanding of irony…because you are a fish…
euclid says
Given that it’s a fantasy league, indeed you are correct.
And I believe ‘we’ are talking about a dead fat Elvis
because you keep bringing him up which is less of a rub
than a chafe, really.
Maurice Colgan says
gir, enough of the wittgenstein already. One Ludwig is enough. Fish flavoured riposte I admit is hard to fathom.
(Meanwhile a LA Times reporter gets on the Elvis versus Mariah bandwagon and the Circus continues.. creating massive publicity for the dead guy)
FIN.
Irony? Where’s me dictionary? Satire? Where’s Shaw when he’s needed.
Note to self. Stop laughing it just encourages them. :-)
Maurice Colgan says
Euclid, I’m only bringing Elvis up because the article here brought him up. There’s a certain logic there methinks. Ironic isn’t it?
Furthermore this little discussion is now found on Google searches. My intention in the first place.
Hecklerspray needs the publicity. :-) I need the kick. Besides, Elvis was such a giving and nice guy. :-)
mst3kster says
Oh, how I wish I had an emoticon of Evis…
or even a fried banana emoticon would do.
gir says
Note to self: please continue to leave notes to self on public internet website pages like so many coffee-stained post-its strewn about my filthy, empty hovel, devoid of humanity, so much like the humorless, self-absorbed husk into which I have devolved.
Let me drop these famous names while I’m at it;
Maurice Colgan says
No dropping names, Shaw bounces!
When I worked for the BBC 1961 (British Banana Company in the UK) I never thought I would appear on THE BBC webpage because of Elvis Presley. Talk about Freud bananas!
Oops, a famous name again. Just a very ripe banana slip.
Must go. Uncivil war has broken out on FECC.
euclid says
MC – Perhaps you could imagine the bloated rotting corpse
of the drug-addled Elvis as the starting point of a conversation
rather than the center of a very small and well-worn circle.
Your appeal to logic is ill-considered – clearly not your strong suit;
you seem to be much more orbital in your thinking.
And I do have a particular distaste for people
incorrectly invoking irony.
What exactly would be ironic about your being logical?
Granted it is extremely unlikely, but ironic? No.
Maurice Colgan says
“euclid Says:
April 7th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
MC – Perhaps you could imagine the bloated rotting corpse
of the drug-addled Elvis as the starting point of a conversation
rather than the center of a very small and well-worn circle.”
Back to square one.
I guess my sense of humour is lost on you. Pedantry is just so irksome.. even if in this case it’s accurate :-) It’s very important to you, isn’t it?
Nevertheless It’s illogical to base one’s finding on such flimsy evidence when dealing with such a lackadaisical elderly guy like me. Methinks those that jump to conclusions leap a bridge to far.
When people die they rot, drug addled or not.
Elvis was beautiful, had a wonderful and versatile voice, but was all too human. Then the Vultures arrived.
Laurence D. says
So far I havent seen anyone really speak to the fact that Mariah Carey deserves the recognition she’s attracted. Before this whole “sexualized” image of Mariah Carey she was a very young and overdressed singer with a Powerful Voice. The person who says we haven’t found anyone to match Elvis’ range…what was that Range Exactly? Mariah’s is around 5 octaves let’s be real. As Far as Male Singers are concerned Luther Vandross’ voice is on par or superior to Elvis’, plus Mariah Writes and produces all her own songs, which makes her the better artist. As far as the Beatles were concerned, they were at the head of the “British Invasion” and they had that gimmick to propel them, there were also 4 of them so if someone didnt like one they had 3 more to choose from, not so with Mariah Carey and Elvis, yes it took the beatles 8 years but they were releasing a few albums a year and many songs at a time. the industry has changed and Mariah Carey is the fastest selling artist. It’s also very arguable that Elvis has enflunced MALE singers tremendously, and not all singers. I can’t see a female singer Idolizing Elvis the way in which they do Mariah Carey. THink about this…there are 3 people who have Changed the Way Music is appreciated,imitated and performed” Elvis: After him everyone wanted to not only have a great show but a great Voice,,Michael Jackson: The definition of a performer and Mariah Carey: The woman who millions would argue has the rarest and most beautiful voice ever heard…
John says
Depsite that the writer of this article showed who his favourite artist of all time is,Mariah…, he lacks any real knowledge when it comes to who really the greatest of all entertainers is when it comes to records and influence.
1st: Will anyone remememer Mariah Carey like the way we still remember Elvis today? I don’t think so.
2nd: Is Maria Carey a trendsetter or a trendfollower like Elvis was?
I mean Elvis set the blueprint what a real superstar/idol should be like despite that he didn’t have any notion of it as a countryboy.
Mariah Carey needs lots of current tv-soundbites and fancy dresses to make a statement.Elvis didn’t need that all. When he came out, there was someone in the room (quote of Eddy Murphy)
3rd: Does Mariah Carey’s name really opens every door in the world or has a name wich simply rings a bell in the (lets say)bushes of Brasil or does every person in the world own a Mariah Carey record?
I don’t think so.Elvis does.
3rd: Is Mariah Carey’s name on the tongue of everyone major artist when they talk about their greatest early influence in music-life? I don’t think so. Elvis does.
4th: Would a stadium be filled when Mariah Carey would sent her car or any other product on a world tour? Elvis did, and it was one of his cadillacs and it as major news and people flocked to see it by the thousands.
5th: What is the title Mariah Carey got despite her fantastic voice?
None…(oh well maybe The Diva.) Elvis is ” KING “
John says
If you consider Mariah Carey to be a better entertainer then ELVIS PRESLEY then please for the sake of the human race stop listening to music also try and refrain from writing any kind of literature that may be saved or preserved for future learning services.
Looney says
Yay I think thats awsome