Marc Anthony probably gets sick of only being known as Jennifer Lopez’s husband, so he’s branched out.

He’s his own man now. His own man with his own stake in the Miami Dolphins, which is like a basketball team or something. Being a part-owner in a gigantic sport franchise like the Miami Dolphins will allow Marc Anthony to come out of Jennifer Lopez’s shadow. It’ll let him be his own man. It’ll allow the world to see that he’s not just a henpecked, put-upon husband to a frighteningly dominant woman.

Marc Anthony announced the news yesterday with Jennifer Lopez. Naturally.

At the start of the year it was rumoured that Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez were on the verge of splitting up, and that they’d announce their divorce on Valentine’s day. And that didn’t happen. If you ask us, it’s just another sign that the lazy media is only interested in distorting the truth and creating ugly lies for maximum attention, no matter whose lives get destroyed in the process. And we’ve had enough of it. We’ve had enough of these vultures preying on Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony with their little boxes of evil lies. We’ll have no more part in it.

And so no, despite the ‘rumours’ you may have heard perpetuated in the so-called ‘media’ that Marc Anthony has bought a minority stake in the Miami Dolphins, we’re here to tell you that they’re all lies. All vicious lies designed exclusively to rip poor Marc Anthony apart. You make us sick, media.

Now admittedly they’re lies backed up by several photos of Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez happily waving Miami Dolphins shirts around at a press conference, and recorded footage of Marc Anthony and Miami Dolphins owner Stephen Ross announcing that Anthony had purchased a stake in the team, and the unequivocal fact that Marc Anthony has definitely, without question, bought a stake in the Miami Dolphins. But they’re still lies. We hate the media. Ugh, the media.

Look at this collection of lies that the Miami Herald has stitched together as a quote attributed to Marc Anthony from yesterday’s press conference:

“I could quite possibly be staring at the first day of the rest of my life. That’s quite exciting at this stage of the game. I’m a little nervous. I’d rather sing. That’s much easier to me. It’s a storied franchise, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I’m going to try to make it to my seat because my knees are a little weak.”

Ugh. Just because Marc Anthony definitely said those exact words in that order into a microphone at a press conference yesterday, it doesn’t mean any of it actually happened. God, the media makes us want to vomit blood sometimes. There isn’t even a team called the Miami Dolphins. We checked. It’s all lies.

Then again, on the off-chance that it is true, we’d like to congratulate Mr Anthony on his wise investment. May your part-ownership of the Miami Dolphins be a profitable one. Now hurry up and get divorced.

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