You may have thought that Mandy Moore had ploughed her way through every young male celebrity on Earth.
But you know what? You’re wrong. Sure, Mandy Moore may have got through the likes of Zach Braff, DJ AM, Greg Laswell, Andy Roddick and Wilmer Valderrama in her time, but we always got the impression that she was saving herself for a creatively-exhausted minor singer-songwriter who nobody has even thought about for the last nine years.
And it looks like we’re right, because Mandy Moore has just announced her engagement to overrated Mojo magazine posterboy Ryan Adams. Should you care? No.
Now, although our headline suggested that the thought of Mandy Moore getting engaged to Ryan Adams was inexplicable, in retrospect it isn’t at all.
After all, as we’ve stated, Mandy Moore has probably had sex with every male celebrity going, while Ryan Adams’ romantic encounters with the likes of Parker Posey, Winona Ryder, Beth Orton, Minnie Driver, Alanis Morrissette and Lindsay Lohan peg him firmly as the male Mandy Moore. Statistically, they had to bump into each other at some point.
And now they have. And they’re getting married. Even though Mandy Moore is a fresh-faced former teeny pop moppet and Ryan Adams is a drug-blattered cartoon rockstar who once made an album that nobody would release because it was too depressing, they are not going to let a little thing like not having a single thing in common whatsoever stop them from marrying each other. As People reports:
Mandy Moore will tie the knot with her musician beau Ryan Adams, her publicist confirms to PEOPLE. Details on the engagement weren’t immediately available. Moore, 24, and Adams, 34, had dated off-and-on since March 2008.
Actually, our cynicism is completely unfounded. To paraphrase some dead bloke, Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams complete each other. They fill in each other’s gaps – with Ryan Adams, Mandy Moore gets to show off that she’s not just some opportunistic professional celebrity bimbo; while Mandy allows Ryan Adams to, um… well, we’re sure that the 15 breathtakingly gloomy albums about how much he wants to kill himself that he’ll release within a week of their inevitable pre-wedding split will probably get nominated for a Grammy or something. That’s a good thing, right?
Regardless, we’d still like to offer our best wishes to Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams. Well, our best wishes and a final reminder to Mandy Moore that Ryan Adams isn’t actually Bryan Adams. They’re two different people you know, Mandy. Don’t get confused.
And, Ryan, despite their physical similarities, Mandy Moore isn’t Dudley Moore. They’re two different people as well. We wouldn’t want either of you making any hilarious misunderstandings, would we?
You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!


{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
I have no idea who these people are. Something for which I’m eternally grateful.
ur an idiot. ryan adams has made some of the best music in the last decade. he is influenced and well known by some of the greatest artists of all time. neil young, gram parsons to name a few.
She recorded the best albums of the girl teen-pop era, by many tastes; the finest cover compilation album by far, Coverage; and a recent hit folk album, Wild Hope, covering new recording territory for her. And she is probably the finest actress under thirty to ever star in theatrical motion pictures. Ryan Adams is an alright guy, I’m sure, and I’m sure he still has talent under his belt. They’re sweet friends together. These are all the more reasons why they should NOT get married.
He has written more songs, and more wonderful songs, than any other songwriter in the last ten years, and has a devoted fan base. His latest album was on most of the best of 2008 lists, and he has gotten rave reviews for the latest tour. Just because you’re ignornant doesn’t mean he’s nobody.
That would be despite the fact Gram Parsons died before he was even fucking born, Jess?