Why do people go to Britney Spears concerts? Surely there are only two reasons. One, obviously, is to escape the rain.
Or maybe it’s because they actually like Britney Spears. It’s confusing – even Britney Spears seems a little repulsed by the idea that some people aren’t utterly terrified of her, which is why she had a man arrested on Sunday for getting up on stage with her.
Fair’s fair, though – by being onstage the fan technically became a back-up dancer and would have therefore been contractually obliged to get Britney Spears pregnant. If anything, she was saving him some bother.
When you’re famous, your fans tend to become a perfect reflection of yourself. That’s why, say, Stephen Fry fans are all bookish and erudite, Jeremy Clarkson fans are all essentially self-righteous dinner party bores and Britney Spears fans all seem like barmy, boggle-eyed, froth-mouthed mentals who shouldn’t be left alone with a pair of scissors on the off-chance that they’d end up plunging them deep into their genitals in the middle of a hapless sexual misadventure.
The evidence is there for all to see – there’s the shrieking ‘Leave Britney Alone’ man, for example, and now there’s Kyle King. How much does Kyle King like Britney Spears? Enough to clamber up on stage with her during a concert and sort of jiggle about a bit in front of her for a couple of seconds, that’s how much. Because that’s exactly what he did on Sunday in Connecticut, and it’s why he was arrested for it. Here’s the chilling evidence in full…
Still, as ultimately pointless as this was, you have to admire Britney Spears’s steely professionalism, don’t you? All the time that Kyle King was rushing towards her like some sort of uselessly effete maniac, Britney didn’t let out a single cry for help, as King told Access Hollywood:
?She freaked me out because she was so scared,? King told Access. ?She acted like I was going to hurt her or something.? Video clips showed Britney frantically waving her hands. However, her cries for help weren't picked up by her microphone, most likely because it was turned off while she was lip synching. ?I think it was kind of screaming, ?Oh my god! Oh my god!?? King noted.
Oh alright then, Britney Spears was screaming for her life after all, but nobody heard it because her microphone’s only ever turned on when she feels like yelping inappropriately about her vagina.
But perhaps Britney’s people should do something about that, just in case any other wild-eyed infants suddenly decide to charge the stage without warning. Maybe Britney should go back to the studio and drop a few ad-libs into her prerecorded tour versions of her hits. Say, a terrified “Shit! I think he’s got a knife!” during the second chorus of Crazy and a hysterical “Oh God, oh God, I’m sorry for all the terrible things I’ve done in my life! Please forgive me baby Jesus!” between the third and fourth verses of I’m Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman should do the trick.
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Julian Mentat says
“She acted like I was going to hurt her or something”
Wow. Why couldn’t she see the other perfectly good reason for a stranger to climb on stage and rush at her? What? There isn’t one? Oh.
hanna says
i laughed so much until i cried , this article described everything i want to say, i saw a lot of time people get on stage with singer, what britney did is funny and crazy , so go rehab stupid crap mime, and stay there 4ever, for the sake of your idiot fans,