Earlier this week, everyone's favorite leathery midget, Nicole ?Snooki? Polizzi, gave birth to a little guido and astonishingly had the intelligence not to name it after a type of booze.
Lorenzo Dominic LaValle– whose arrival was slightly surprising because of the lack of imminent cosmic cataclysm that is usually associated with apocalyptic events– should be a big help for his mommy?s career (in addition to the Affliction franchise). Getting punched in the face upped Snooki?s appearance fees five-fold, so the addition of an extension of her one-dimensional personality should work to keep audiences distracted from realizing that her game is old.
I figure the best way for me to deal with knowing that the world will still be enchanted by the Chilean who makes a living off of dressing up like a trashy Italian is by using her new device for fame as my own money making machine.
I think there could be some real money made in the form of prop bets about her son. If we're going to be forced to pay attention to the female version of Danny Devito for another minute, at least we can make it interesting, right?
I couldn't find any existing ones, but I'll use this opportunity to throw a few legitimate propositions out there in hopes some casino picks up on the demand and makes something good out of the societal wrong.
First Session in Tanning Bed
We all know this is going to happen; it's just a matter of when. The over/under on this has to be pretty low, I'd say age 9. I figure by then he?ll already be taller than his mother and will need another hobby besides lifting weights and popping steroids.
I will note that this prop is based on two main assumptions: 1. Snooki knows not to take her baby in the tanning bed with her, (which is a pretty big assumption on my part) and 2. Even if she were to try and take her baby in, someone in the salon would be responsible enough to stop her. If the former assumption is off, which it very may well be, it should lead into what I think the most popular prop bet will be, which is?
Child Protection Services Investigates/Threatens to Take Child Away
I had a hard time choosing between making the bet about the amount of times this happens or a particular date so I figured we should just go with the quickest pay out.
The over/under on how long until Snooki gets checked out by child services is a conservative 1.5 years.
Like Michael Jackson, who notoriously swung his kid over a balcony, or Britney Spears, who was caught driving with an infant in her lap, I think Snooki will do reckless things not because she has the intent on hurting her baby or putting it in harms way, but because she's simply too stupid not to. The fact she has cameras on her all the time only increases the chances of her getting caught doing something inevitably stupid and dangerous, and I bet MTV would love a Prison Mommies series.
Gets His Own Reality Show
Over/under age 1. Snooki?s fame whore ways could only be rivaled by Kris Jenner; however, what did Jenner have that Snooki never? An army of cash cow children to exploit for all they are worth.
Now that Snooki has one of her own, I don't doubt she won't be pitching for her child to become a star before he is toilet trained (which Jenner has already proven isn't an issue, it's an endorsement opportunity). Given what I know about the high class shown by Snooki over the years, I'm assuming her show will be something more along the lines of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, only w worse clothes and more hair gel.
tupac says
shut the fuck up. what right do you have to say this kind of shit about someone you dont know? like i really dont mind if you dont like her and decide to make an article about how you think shes going to be a bad mother (even though no one even fucking cares about your opinion) but then youre really pathetically throwing out random insults at her for no reason. this article is really uncalled for and unprofessional. im not even a huge fan of snooki but i do think it was really childish and immature for you to say these things about her.