You know, we really couldn't give two hoots about this climate change faff, and that's how it'll stay – unless a middle-aged woman in a leotard writes a piss-weak ballad about climate change, of course, because then we'll reverse our opinions instantly.
Wait, what's that? A middle aged woman in a leotard has written a piss-weak ballad about climate change, you say? And that middle aged woman is Madonna? And Madonna's climate change song is called Hey You and it's being given away as a free download to help promote the Live Earth concerts this summer? Well, that's us convinced, then – where do we sign up to become eco-warriors? Madonna writing a not very good song for Live Earth has inspired us to turn off all our electronic equipment right away to reduce carbon emissions and help the environment. And if doing this means we'll also avoid ever hearing Madonna's genuinely awful Live Earth song again, well, that's all the better.
The environment of the planet is crumbling – this much we know. Icecaps are melting, the gulf stream is slowing, whole species of animals are migrating ever further northwards to avoid extinction and creating complex ecosystem problems as a result and Earth's non-renewable sources are being gobbled up at an alarming rate. So thank fuck that the woman who wrote Hanky Panky is onto it, eh?
Despite only ever shitting through a toilet seat once before throwing it away, Madonna is getting right behind the climate change cause by headlining the Live Earth concerts this summer. But Madonna wants to help the climate change in more ways than just driving her SUV to a huge electricity-spewing stadium filled with tens of thousands of people all eating burgers out of polystyrene boxes that's being broadcast to millions of people watching on their carbon-dumping TV sets. And making lofty statements about saving the world by wiping your bum less has never been Madonna's style. So what else can Madonna do?
Quit music and dedicate her life to tirelessly researching the causes of climate change? Give away all her money to fund the prevention of climate change? Or just write a soppy pointless song that hasn't really got much to do with climate change and hope that it'll do instead?
Obviously it's the last one, as E! Online reports:
In honor of the upcoming Live Earth concerts, Madonna has penned a new single, "Hey You," which she will perform at the July 7 event at London's Wembley Stadium, her record label said Thursday. Fans can download the Pharrell Williams-produced track for free on liveearth.msn.com through May 24. For the first million downloads, Microsoft has pledged to donate 25 cents per download to the Alliance for Global Climate Change.
But what about Madonna's Live Earth song Hey You itself? Is it good? What do you think – it's an overly sentimental acoustic ballad that sounds like pre-Ray Of Light Madonna before she realised that people liked her more when she wasn't churning out overly sentimental acoustic ballads, complete with lines like "Hey you/ Don't you give up/ It's not so bad/ There's still a chance for us" and several references to "loving yourself" which we're pretty sure means "wanking."
First Sharon Stone wrote her Hurricane Katrina song and now Madonna has written her Live Earth song – what is it with the stars of early-nineties erotic thrillers and hamfisted socially-aware charity records? Next thing we know Mimi Rogers from Full Body Massage will release a song called I Love Darfur and we'll all go straight to to hell.