Madonna Will Never Perform Old Songs Again… Unless Paid Lots Of Money

Ah, the old 'I really like their early stuff' cliche.

You make it big, you keep on doing what you do, and sooner or later people start complaining that you're just not as good as you used to be. Surely every artist has to battle against this at some point? Woody Allen, for example, even went so far as to reference the concept in his film Stardust Memories, while we have it on good authority that the bloke from Babylon Zoo spends five hours every day crying over his framed gold disc of Spaceman, howling 'I could have been a god' and scaring away the postman.

You want to know who else is sick of having their early stuff dredged up again and again? Menopausal groovester Madonna, that's who. And she's so goshdarn annoyed that she's never, ever, ever going to play any of her old songs ever, ever again.

Oh - unless someone gives her a shitload of money.

Speaking to New York radio station Z100 FM, Madge moaned that:

“I'm not sure I can sing 'Holiday' or 'Like A Virgin' ever again. I just can't - unless somebody paid me like $30 million or something. Like if some Russian guy wants me to come to the wedding he's going to have to a 17-year-old, you know it."

$30 million to perform Like A Virgin? A horrifying thought, and one which would surely have dire implications for the global economy. With that amount of money being bandied around, we may well be entering a world in which financial value is determined by eighties pop songs.

Therefore a performance of Club Tropicana would be enough to buy you a three-bedroom semi-detached house in Sussex, a quick singalong of Never Gonna Give You Up would net you a used car in decent condition, and a recital of Shaddup Ya Face would be able to get you a bus ride from Luton to Watford.

Just don't go singing it once you get there, okay? There's more of an Agadoo vibe going on round those parts.

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Madonna Needs 30 Million To Perform Early Hits - Gigwise