Madonna To Remake Casablanca, Except Better
If rumours are to be believed, and of course they are, Madonna is in the process of producing a remake of Casablanca.
The yellowed-vagina singer reportedly wants to play Ingrid Bergman’s part and plans to set the film in war torn Iraq. How current.
A studio source says:
"She is still determined to make it in the movies. She and her representatives have been touting around a project which is a remake of Casablanca. The reception has been lukewarm to say the least. No one can understand why she wants to redo what many people consider the greatest film of all time.”
She’s persistent. You’ve got to give her that. It’s like AIDS walking up to a hospital in Africa and asking for a job. Whilst laughing at Patrick Swayze’s prostate. Whilst repeatedly stabbing the corpse of Princess Diana in the face with a white Fiat Uno. Whilst simultaneously eating Jesus and the co-ordinates of Madeleine McCann’s current whereabouts. Whilst pooing on a picture of Mohammed sellotaped to a teddy bear. Whilst saying, “At least you’ve got good AIDS, mate and you’re not a paki.” She’s persistent. You’ve got to give her that.
The Madge has thankfully not been seen on our screens since her husband made the terrible decision to continue living and direct her in 2002’s bargain bin exclusive Swept Away. But all that could change if movie executives are idiotic enough.
What’s next? Michael Bay to remake Citizen Kane? Hard-Fi to redo The White Album with less cover art? Salmon Rushdie to rewrite the Koran with more sense?
The world’s gone fucking mad.
Read more:
Keanu Reeves writes, directs, and stars in a remake of Citizen Kane
Thomas Kinkade reinterprets Picasso’s Guernica
John Grisham rewrites Ulysses featuring Leopold Bloom and Stephen Dedalus racing against time in a taut legal thriller through the pubs and High Courts of Dublin
50 Cent updates Stravinsky’s The Rite of Spring with a killer beat man you won’t even be able to believe it this shit straight FIRE, yo
That girl what writes poetry on myspace recites and embellishes Ginsberg, Kerouac, and Burroughs with stories of how her mom is TOTAL NAZI and won’t let her even go to the mall
… and Ian McEwan writes the next season of Zoey 101!
Here’s what Madonna should do: sing.
Here’s what she should not do: make movies.
Here’s what Madonna should not do: sing
Here’s what you should do if you think Madonna should sing: fuck off.
Here’s what Madonna should do: Commit suicide
Here’s what she should not do: Anything related to entertainment biz
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