Madonna's Confessions world tour is done and dusted, so now we can forget about and get on with our lives. Or at least we could if Madonna stopped monomanaically yakking about her tired old crucifixion stunt for just a second.
Madonna knows that hopping up onto a giant mirrored cross and singing a weirdly dated new song with vague lyrics has gained her more notoriety than anything since she frenchied Black Jesus or wanked herself off in front of the Pope, and so Madonna is understandably reticent to let go of her crucifixion stunt, even if it means she has to self-importantly explain the stunt another time to a world that would rather ram screwdrivers under its kneecaps than hear about it any more.
Coming off tour is never easy – you have to readjust to staying in one place for more than a few days, you don't spend the day building to one big energy-draining finale and you quite often have to cook the bloke who directed Revolver his tea. This is what Madonna must be finding today, now that her Confessions world tour is over. Madonna has folded up all her slightly inappropriate H&M clothes, made a giant fire out of all her used toilet seats, given all her stolen hands back to their rightful owners and is probably now counting the vast amounts of cash that the tour generated.
But it's hard to let go of something as spectacular as Madonna's Confessions tour, and no doubt Madonna will want to talk about the tiny details of the show for days to come, like "Do you remember when the churches got pissed off at my crucifixion stunt? Or when Italy's Catholic, Muslim and Jewish communities united in their hatred for me? Or when Germany tried to arrest me? Or when Russia went a bit divvy, too? Ahh, good times."
And we understand why Madonna will want to keep the tour fresh in her mind, and everybody else's – by singing a boring dance song on a giant crucifix, Madonna is properly controversial again. Sure, Madonna was controversial prior to the tour, but only in a 'Wow, Swept Away was shit/ put some clothes on, old lady' way. Now she's offending the church like its 1990 all over again, and she's loving it. Loving it to the point of boring the tits of everyone by talking about it, to be specific. Madonna has already explained that Jesus is OK with her crucifixion stunt, and now she's blabbing about it again in a statement:
"It is no different than a person wearing a cross or 'taking up the cross' as it says in the Bible… Rather, it is my plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole. I believe in my heart that if Jesus were alive today he would be doing the same thing."
Maybe Madonna's right – after all, if Jesus did return to Earth we're sure he'd have time between flying about like Superman trying to save the world and doing all the countless press interviews he'd be asked to do to perform a bit of jumped-up karaoke while traumatically reminding himself of the brutal way in which he was killed. Of that we're certain.
[story by Stuart Heritage]