Lucy Lui to Star in Horse Manure

hecklerspray are going to go on the record here. We’re going to say that Lucy Lui’s next movie is crap even though it hasn’t even been filmed yet; we are that confident it’ll be about as successful as Drew Barrymore deciding to remake Taxi Driver. As a deadly prostitute. With a handbag that turns into a car.

This is not a Lucy Lui dig as such. She’s a nice enough lass we’re sure. And Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle was hilarious.

Don’t pull a face, it was.

Tell us watching three beautiful women parade around for ninety minutes beating up guys with clothes tighter than Kirsty Allie’s swimsuit is not entertainment and we’ll show you a certified nutcase. Or a gay man, a blind lesbian, or someone who claims to have actually watched The Seventh Seal and enjoyed it. We can get hold of all four at a push.

The point being it was a laugh. Lucy Lui’s new movie, Rise, won’t be. Not even unintentionally.

Think we’re being a little over zealous? Try the plot on for one size fits all: Lucy Lui plays a reporter who wakes up in a morgue to discover she’s not dead (well, duh?) and then goes on the rampage getting vengence against all the vampires that killed her. That’s it, apart from a tacked on romantic subplot and comedy sidekick. And this ain’t supposed to be funny apparently.

Seems to us that another pony Crow/Blade/Underworld clone will be swimming its way to the preview sections of a thousand cult horror magazines sometime soon.

With principal photography not due to start until the summer there’s still plenty of time to barricade Lui inside her house. This doesn’t have to happen.

Well, what are you waiting for, you know her address don’t you?

[story by Chris Laverty]