This is it, the biggest weekend of the year for people who like hearing about skinny ginger actresses getting married to cowboys who weren't really famous before they met the skinny ginger actress. Nicole Kidman is marrying Keith Urban.
Like us, your interest in Nicole Kidman probably waned after watching 23 minutes of Bewitched and deciding that you'd rather tear your throat out with a broken bottle than watch any more, and – again like us – you couldn't give a flying turd about anything to do with Keith Urban since you heard he was vaguely country. So the Nicole Kidman/ Keith Urban wedding probably isn't too much of a must-see event. Thank God, then, for Father Paul Coleman. The priest is milking every last drop of fame he can out of Kidman and Urban.
The Nicole Kidman/ Keith Urban wedding is the biggest thing to hit Australia since Steve Irwin waggled his baby at a hungry crocodile, or the Bouncer's Dream episode of Neighbours. One or the other. We'd guess it's being billed as Nicole Kidman coming home and marrying an Australian rather than a tiny wee American midget like Tom Cruise, and Keith Urban becoming famous in other circles than red-eyed obsessive female truck drivers.
The preparations are in place for the Kidman/Urban marriage – you'll not find a helicopter in Sydney for love or money, Nicole and Keith are both back in Australia and everything effort has been made to make this the exact opposite of anything Tom Cruise would try. All that's left is for the priest who'll conduct the wedding ceremony to blab on endlessly about exactly what he'll be doing like he's the most important aspect of the day…
Well, what do you know? Father Paul Coleman of the Cardinal Cerretti Memorial Chapel in Sydney, who'll be running the show tomorrow has been doing exactly that. He's known the Kidman family for 30 years – though it's thought that even he thought The Stepford Wives was a bag of arse – and so he's perfectly qualified to tell everyone all about the Kidman/Urban wedding:
"You've got to rely on their maturity and knowledge of each other and I'm impressed… Make time for each other, do romantic things together and never part without kissing… It's a simple Catholic marriage and will not be overly long. It will be inside an hour. It will be the traditional prayers, quite simple, but very sincere."
Ach, he's spoiled the fun. We don't know about you, but we might as well stay at home now. Best of all is the rumour that, after walking down the aisle to the beautiful strains of a Sydney Symphony Orchestra quartet, Nicole Kidman will be serenaded by her new husband. The exact song itself is a mystery, but we've got some smart money on She'll Be Comin' Round The Mountain When She Comes.
[story by Stuart Heritage]