Fun fact: Drake and I are kindred spirits. We’re both Canadian, we both have a lot of feelings (many to do with Rihanna), we both follow his former Degrassi co-star Lauren Collins on Instagram, and we both turned 31 this month. However, unlike me, who celebrated their birthday eating an entire large pizza to herself while wearing sweat pants, Drake threw himself a lavish Bar Mitzvah themed party in LA.
While Drake’s party might seem like it was way cooler than mine, it only kind of was. I mean, yes, Drake’s party had Leonardo DiCaprio, which is cool, but it also has Toby McGuire, which would’ve been cool in like 1999, but now is like “Meh”?
To be perfectly honest, Drake’s birthday party was like the most random guest list of all-time. It legit was just a bunch of people I didn’t even know KNEW Drake. Like, Leo and Toby were there, but I assume they’ll just go to any bar in LA that they assume will be full of 22-year-old models.
Then Khloe Kardashian’s crackhead ex, Lamar Odom, was there, and I was like “Uhhh, k?”
Kelly Rowland was there, but NOT Beyoncé, Halsey was there, and she’s pretty hot but her music blows, Jamie Foxx attended (ok, sure), Hailey Baldwin was there, because why the fuck not, and then Madison Beer was there. Madison. Fucking. Beer.
Do you even know who Madison Beer is? Because I unfortunately do thanks to my constant research of celebrity culture.
Madison Beer is a teenage girl who Justin Bieber discovered on YouTube like 4 or 5 years ago when she was super young. He tried to make her singing career happen, but it obviously hasn’t happened, yet somehow she’s got this huge tween girl fanbase and goes to Drake’s fucking birthday parties.
Madison Beer’s entire existence fucking baffles me and I have no idea why she’s still a thing. Or why I’m taking about her.
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Drake. I’m gonna go watch Hocus Pocus.