Kate, Jack and those darn hippies got Locke-blocked this week in Lost, as the wheelchaired wonder steamrolled over last week’s dull chapter by finally providing some answers, while leaving a barrage of questions in his tyre-tracks.

The bald supremo managed to make a grand entrance this week in his ominous black cloud form, with a point-of-view shot that was surely a nod to the Evil Dead films. Geek knowledge aside (although, that’s probably why you are here), this episode was a pure treasure trove for things you should have been paying attention to, you unobservant fools.

First port of call would be the on-island action, which had Not-Locke walking around like he blooming owned the place (which he does now, probably). Releasing Richard from his tree-sack, after deciding in the season opener to render his windpipe temporarily inactive, the questioning began. Cocke didn’t so much ask questions as vaguely insinuate their previous relationship, asking Richard to join his side. Probably the main focus of the next few episodes is who sides with Jacob and who sides with Cocke – so look out for that.

Sawyer soon joins the Cocke camp after Ol’ Smokey promises him answers to why he is on the island in the first place. Unfortunately for all the ladies in the audience, this posed the problem of Sawyer having to put clothes back on (hey, us men don’t get Kate swanning about the island in her underwear). They then took a trip towards some cave – the geographical location of which was surely one of Jacob’s less well thought-out ideas. On the way they meet a young boy who told Cocke that he couldn’t kill ‘him’. We don’t know who he is referring to or who the little scamp is himself but we’ve got our money on the kid being an older version of Aaron.

Once at the cave, the walls were covered in scribbles – like Jacob was an unattended child with a pack of crayons – and the names of Jack, Sawyer, Hurley, Sayid, the Kwons (Sun and Jin) and Locke were written all over them (Note that Kate was missing, even though she was also touched by Jacob). These ‘candidates’ all had one of the Lost numbers assigned to them; 4,8,15,16,23 and 42. Also, in a reference that swings all the way back to season 1 – when Locke explained backgammon to Walt and the stones that were with the two skeletons in the cave – there were white and black stones on the scales. You read that right; you should be remembering references to white and black stones in Lost.

In the flash-sideways plot, we had Locke being the good old self-loathing cripple we all know and love. The twist comes in the form or him being engaged to Leela from Futurama (or Helen as they insist calling her here), who was last seen dumping his liver-spotted ass back in season two. She also mentioned inviting Locke’s kidney-pinching dad to their wedding, which surely means he is no longer a conman, which means Locke is in a wheelchair for a different reason, which means that Sawyer’s parents probably weren’t killed as a result of him, which means that Sawyer might not be a conman, which means our sentences are inexplicably long.

There were some other blink-and-you’ll-miss-it references: Locke’s boss Randy being the same assbag who bossed Locke and Hurley around previously, Rose popping up at the recruitment company alongside someone who read Hurley’s fortune back in season three, and also Locke’s alarm clock had a buzzer that sounded like the alarm from the Hatch. It might be worth noting – if you fancy being a clever-clogs – that the flash-sideways order this season is the same as the flashback order as season 1 (Ep 1: Everyone, 2: Kate, 3: Locke). Expect the next episode to follow Jack and perhaps the episode after to be Charlie…

As the episode came to a close we had alt-Locke working in a school, valiantly trying to explain the reproductive system as a man whose own genitalia must have been rendered inert a long time ago. Just before we flashback to our own boring lives, Locke’s threw one more surprise as Ben popped up as a teacher of European History, looking like the kind of dodgy teacher who keeps a bottle of whiskey in his desk. Evil bastards always keep whiskey in their desk and, knowing Ben, next week we’ll probably find out he beats the children with their textbooks.

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