The most tranquil man to leave Scotland, Desmond Hume, finally returned to the island this week armed with his super-duper time travel powers. The two Lost timelines were thrust together in another bright explosion of illogical lunacy.
Desmond faced his arch-nemesis, American TV’s go-to geriatric arsehole, Jim Robinson, who has grabbed the wounded Scotsman (We haven’t seen Des in this timeline since he was shot by Ben last season) and demanded to use his melon for his dharstadly scheme. Desmond’s rational response was to beat Widmore with his IV bag. If Charles had turned around and whipped out his colostomy bag, then we could’ve had a right ruckus going.
Before Desmond knew it, though, the evil clone of Tina Fey had strapped him inbetween two giant doughnuts. It was a bit like that machine from Watchmen, except the difference is that after Desmond was engulfed by white light he didn’t return with a giant blue schlong.
Instead it transported him into the alternate Lost-verse. It was business as usual for the side-Desmond, walking around happily waving to all the dead characters. He was like an alt-Derek Acorna, who isn’t a turd-faced hoax.
Desmond didn’t seem aware of his hop-over to this time. Here he was totally in love with Charles Widmore, while also acting as his right-hand (you don’t want to know what he does with his left). When they were finished gazing into each other’s eyes, Charles ordered Des to pick up the drug-addled hobbit Charlie.
Charlie’s return marked a monumental shift in character; instead of the subdued unintentional twat that he once was, he now seems to have every intention of making you want to punch him in one of his ginormous ears. After his teeth-crushingly cheesy speech about love, we were about ready to drive a car into a river. Luckily for us, Charlie decided he’d beat us to it. And then things really kicked off.
Desmond’s subsequent visions of his island life and of his lover Penny had him running around for the truth and to find who this Penny was. It is slightly odd, though, that Desmond’s boss never mentioned his daughter’s name to his most trusted staff member, but we’re willing to forgive this. Actually, no we’re not, it’s retarded.
Leave it to the cryptic coupling of Daniel Faraday (now Widmore) and his mother Ms Hawking/Mrs Widmore to pile on the mystery. We know Eloise Hawking helped Jack and co set off the nuke at the end of last season, so it makes sense for her to know about the two timelines. Faraday, however, was having visions of mathematical equations and told Desmond where to find his beloved Penny.
It wasn’t long before Dessy found his constant (…excuse to appear in the show) and was back on the island. With a vacant expression and a new found purpose, he seemed oddly similar to Sayid. Now he wants to help on-Island Widmore, but was taken away by Sayid, who he also followed freely.
Frankly, we have no idea what he is up to. If it wasn’t for that bloke from Short Circuit 2, then the episode would have been a complete waste. Funny, though, we remember that guy being Indian in that film… Johnny 5 is alive! We miss Steve Guttenberg.