Lock Up Your Orphans, Malawi – Madonna’s In Town

Madonna – essentially Chitty Chitty Bang Bang‘s Child Catcher with a more prominent vagina – is in Malawi.

You know what this means? Madonna isn’t leaving until she’s snagged herself an orphan. It doesn’t matter how – whether she does it legally or has to bend a few rules or resorts to wedging one between the gap in her teeth when nobody’s looking – it’s going to happen.

Of course, Madonna denies this. But then she would – otherwise this story would never stretch out for so long that it makes us want to kill ourselves. And surely that’s the only reason she’s even doing this.

No matter what she does, Madonna always manages to bugger things up one way or another, doesn’t she? Like when she married Guy Ritchie, for example – that would have been great if it weren’t for that bloody film they made together. And when she popularised Kabbalah she inadvertently set Ashton Kutcher off down a path that’s ended with him filling up nine-tenths of Twitter with piss-boring self-conscious messages about social awareness. The bloody great cow.

Most conspicuously, though, Madonna has buggered up just about everything to do with her adoption of orphans from Malawi. First any philanthropic aspects of her adoption of David Banda almost came undone when it was revealed that he was one of those special orphans whose parents weren’t quite all dead yet, and now the school she’s building in Malawi might derail her potential second adoption.

Madonna is due in a Malawi court later this week for a hearing, probably over her application to adopt three-year-old orphan Mercy James. But for all the good that would come from the adoption – like the fact that this one won’t have to spend every other weekend at Guy Ritchie’s house and that she’ll be given a life so extravagant that she’ll wake up every morning thanking her lucky stars that her mother died when she was a baby – the controversy over the school she’s building in the country might just overshadow all of that.

Why? Because it’s an obvious ploy to bribe the government into letting her adopt another baby? No. Because Madonna’s proposed curriculum includes lessons on tongue-kissing black Jesuses, wearing leotards that a person half your age would look silly in and how to rhyme “super-duper” with “Mini Cooper” in the most dreadfully cackhanded way imaginable? No. As People reports, it’s because Madonna is knocking down roughly half of Malawi to build the poxy thing:

“We are told to leave our gardens after this year’s harvest; we are told our houses are to be pulled down ? but nobody is talking about compensation,” said Esinati Nkhoma, a local mother of four. “Where will we move to?” … When a journalist asked Madonna whether she was worried about the land concerns, she shouted back, “No!”

Of course Madonna isn’t worried by the land concerns. This is all part of her evil plan. Look – if she evicts villagers from their homes to build a school, then they’ll need jobs to buy new homes. And where will they work? Why, in Madonna’s proposed inappropriate leotard-stitching sweatshop, of course. And they’ll need to work 23-hour shifts every day to cover their rent. And they’ll die young from the stress of it. And then Madonna will adopt their children. And then she’ll drink their spinal fluid to maintain her illusion of youth.

Fiendish, Madonna, fiendish. Completely fictional, but fiendish.

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