At Wembley Stadium on Saturday evening The Pussycat Dolls sang a song about clitoral masturbation as part of the global series of Live Earth concerts, and because of that climate change was never a problem ever again.
Oh, who are we kidding. The Sun dislikes The Pussycat Dolls just as much as we do, and probably melted the ice-caps a little bit faster than usual after hearing it out of spite. But that didn't stop Live Earth from being the focus of the whole world on Saturday because, via a handful of global concerts in every continent on Earth, Live Earth managed to fully establish itself as the daddy of charity concerts that don't really have any properly-defined goals, actually go quite a long way to damage the exact thing it claims to want to protect and make everyone think the whole thing is merely a back-slapping circle-jerk for a gang of preachy famous people.
The environment is well effed. Glaciers are melting and dropping into the sea, lowering the temperature of the oceans and halting the Gulf Stream so much that everything will freeze up except for the roaming packs of wolves that will eat you like in The Day After Tomorrow. Scientists have all agreed that climate change is out of control and there's nothing we can do about it. Nothing, perhaps, except getting Keane to play some songs at Live Earth. And that's not a decision that they must have taken lightly, trust us.
That's right, Saturday saw Al Gore's global Live Earth concerts take place around the world, where a diverse group of musicians including Madonna and Spinal Tap travelled to large vastly-lit sports stadiums in their private jets to tell a televised audience of two billion to use different lightbulbs, sign the vague Live Earth pledge and only drive around at 100mph while loaded up on pot if you're in a Prius like Al Gore's son. Unless you're Madonna, who seemed to think that singing a rubbish new song and telling everyone to jump up and down would have some sort of effect on climate change.
But Live Earth didn't just happen at Wembley, though – Lenny Kravitz played the almost-cancelled Live Earth Rio, Live Earth New York saw Kelly Clarkson remember what big crowds look like, UB40 played Live Earth South Africa, Jack Johnson played Live Earth Australia, Sarah Brightman played Live Earth China, Linkin Park played Live Earth Japan and at Live Earth Hamburg Shakira briefly toyed with the idea of taking her top off before realising that the friction heat from all the masturbating teenage Germans would actually make the sea boil. And, as ABC reports, Al Gore was awful excited about this whole Live Earth thing:
Gore turned back criticism that the concert series lacked immediate goals beyond generally raising awareness about climate change. The concerts are just the first step in a three-year public relations campaign, he said. "I've been trying to deliver this message for 30 years, and I know that it doesn't take in just one delivery," he said. "You've got to keep going." … "The planet doesn't have a PR agent," he said. "But now it will, because the Alliance for Climate Protection is going to use the modern techniques of messaging to get the scientific evidence in front of people all over the world."
Of course, however Live Earth may have helped to stop climate change, there's not really any hiding from the fact that trying to save the environment with a series of global concerts that are estimated to have emitted a total of 31,500 tons of carbon – roughly the same amount as you would if you left your TV on standby for 1,684,498 years – is a bit like someone trying to raise awareness for domestic violence by punching his wife in the face a lot.
Still, The Beastie Boys were alright, weren't they?