You can tell a lot about a country by the type of television that it broadcasts. America is full of flashy expensive dramas like Heroes, Australia has cheapo daytime soaps and Italy has a show where a scared man staples himself to a wooden board.
And Britain? Well, as for Britain, the world sees us as a country of violently angry scrotum-faced chefs with worrying penis obsessions, fat lesbians from Brighton, men who live in the 1970s and two people saying the exact same jokes week after week. The International Emmy Awards took place night night, you see, and British TV shows swept the board, with Gordon Ramsay, Sugar Rush, Life On Mars and Little Britain all winning awards. These shows can now hold their heads up high as the best TV that's produced anywhere in the world. Wait, are they talking about the same Sugar Rush as we are?
The Emmy Awards are a glitzy, whizz-bang affair when all of America's TV stars get together to clap loudly at themselves and – aside from trying to see how big a cameltoe Eva Longoria has in whatever spazzy outfit she's dressed in – completely ignore Desperate Housewives. But, just as America isn't the whole world, The American Emmys aren't the only Emmy Awards either; there are also the International Emmys, too. The International Emmys are just as big a deal as the normal Emmys, only hardly any famous people go and not very many people have usually heard about any of the winners.
But not this year, because this year some British TV shows that we recognise won at the International Emmy awards. Even though the only TV anyone watches these days are American imports or twat-brained reality TV shows about Robbie from Eastenders dry-heaving because there's a cockroach on his face, British TV shows have been judged by the International Emmy Awards panel as better than all other non-American TV shows, and that includes the Korean gameshow where a man gets hit on the head with metal pans every time he can't say a sentence properly.
Among the winners at the International Emmy Awards were Best Drama Series winner Life On Mars, where a skinny man goes back to the 1970s to fight crime, Best Children's Show winner Sugar Rush, where a pudgy teenage lesbian wonders why her life is so crap, not realising that it's because she's loosely based on Julie Burchill, Best Actor winner Ray Winstone for Vincent, about what Ray Winstone would be like if he was a private investigator, Best Unscripted Entertainment winner Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, where a crag-faced man shouts about testicles to a rubbish chef until the volume of his words somehow makes the chef better and Best Comedy winner Little Britain, which you've seen so much that you're already sick of it.
Of course, it would be rampantly xenophobic to pretend that only British shows won at the International Emmy awards last night, so we won't. Other International Emmy Awards were won by a Moroccan woman for not being a terrorist in a Dutch TV show and a French TV film about, according to The Times:
"The involvement of French authorities in the suppression of a peaceful demonstration by Algerians in Paris."
The rest of the world shouldn't get downhearted about not winning any International Emmy Awards, because several British TV shows didn't win, either. Don't worry Balamory, your time will come.
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