Lindsay Lohan has reached the point in her career where she has to travel to obscure shows in foreign countries to accept awards for anything other than “Hot Mess Of The Year!” This time it was Shanghai to receive a fashion achievement award. Is April Fool’s Day celebrated in a different month in China?
Anyway, because nothing Lindsay is ever involved in can be drama free, she managed to get her laptop stolen from the airport on her way home. Which means there is a strong likelyhood that some personal shit is going to be made public really soon.
So I thought China was supposed to be like 2-3 years ahead of us when it comes to fashion and technology, and 200 years behind us when it comes to female rights and child labor laws, but my WASPy ass may be totally wrong on that. I might be mixing it up with Japan. Either way, someone in Shanghai must still be stuck in the land of 2004, because they decided that Lindsay Lohan is someone who should be publicly awarded for her clothing choices. Yes, the same Lindsay Lohan who looks like this
And most importantly, this
So why anyone would want to praise this broad’s appearance, I have no idea. But that really isn’t the point of this article. No, the point is that somewhere between arriving to the airport to jump on a plane back home to her “I HATE PARIS” shrine, and getting back to the good ol U.S of A., Lindsay lost her laptop.
Do you know what one of the worst things a celebrity can do is? Get their personal computer stolen. Second to cellphones nowadays. Lindsay of course took to the World Wide Web instead of actual cops to help her out, since it’s probably a safe bet to say that Lindsay isn’t a fan of policemen. Or the law.
Sources are also saying Lohan isn’t putting a price cap on her reward, and that she is willing to do “whatever it takes” to get it back. AKA free cocaine and blow jobs, because you know that’s Lindsay’s go to form of payment. Bitch doesn’t have man real dollar bills left. Leech parent with heavy legal issues, and a spending problem for both clothing and booze will do that to you.
It is also being said that her computer is chock full of shots of her firecrotch and her oversized nipples just flopping around like undercooked pancakes. Oh, and there are a bunch of personal emails between Lohan and other celebrities like Woody Allen and Lady Gaga, that Lindsay doesn’t want revealed. Since she was most likely offering happy endings in exchange for a bit of screen time or fame, I get why she’d want to keep that on the down low.
Realistically, the chances of Lindsay getting her laptop back are slim. And even if she does, I bet every selfie shot of her terrible boob job will have already been copied and just waiting for the highest bidder. It’s okay, Lindsay. The bright side here is that you lost any ounce of respectability about 3 mugshots ago, so it’s not like people are going to look at you any differently. Silver linings, girl!