Prison is like a temple similar to the one Solomon built, but with more bars and possibly a basketball court if you're well behaved.
Seriously – think of all the incarcerated folk that have found religion in there. We can think of two right off the top of our head – Mike Tyson became a Muslim with all that extra time on his hands, and Gary Glitter (so we've heard) was trying like mad to start a prison-church with an imported congregation made up entirely of 12-year-old Asian girls. Seriously – they made him quit once he tried using the lyrics to "I Love You Love Me Love" as a parable. Anybody remember that one?
Lindsay Lohan's father, Michael Lohan, well he's just been legally sprung from two years of hard prison life, but while he was behind those surprisingly restrictive bars he waxed all heaven-ish and what-not. Apparently he found a Bible without the middle carved out and he liked what he read – enough to become a minister even!
Now normally when hecklerspray covers a Lindsay Lohan story it's vile and carnal – like the time she opted for nakedness, or the time she almost fisticuffed a funny-looking socialite. Sometimes our Lohan coverage is even relating her more murderous and conniving nature – like the time she got paid to be there while a weak-nosed rocker murdered John Lennon to death.
Today though, today we have the pleasure of telling you no such perversions – yes, today we tell you a glorious tale of how Lohan's father found God. In prison. Where he was for almost two years. For a violent attack on his brother-in-law and causing a car to burst into towering flames. As ABC news put it:
"Lohan told Newsday that while in prison he went to Bible college and became a minister with the Assemblies of God Ministry. "I want to help people," he said. "I don't want them to fall into the same traps I did."
Not only that, Pa Lohan also wants his daughter back. He said of reconstructing their father/daughter relationship:
"I'm going to wait, and when she sees I'm walking the walk, I'm hopeful she'll open the bank vault."
Wait, no wait… that wasn't the right quote – oh here it is:
"I'm going to wait, and when she sees I'm walking the walk, I'm hopeful she'll open the door."
Family reconciliation can be a wonderful thing. When our Uncle Walt finally forgave us for accidentally mini-van dragging his mother who was holding his son who was holding his daughter who was born without hands, well it really felt great. To be honest we don't know if the exact moment of forgiveness was all that good as we'd been bludgeoned unconscious, but the cop said 'Unca' looked real glum.
The past is the past though, and Uncle Walt needs us now more than ever. He told us so in a letter he wrote from cell block eight. He wants us to sneak him in spices.