Why Lindsay Lohan Isn’t a Tragic Waste Of Life

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lindsay lohan pictureIt’s pretty hard to argue that Lindsay Lohan isn’t an utter waste of life on this planet, but there is a way to pass off the responsibility, pin blame on others, or spin her misdeeds altogether.

Sure she’s hitting people with borrowed Porsches, blowing married millionaires to get into parties, and has guzzled and snorted herself to the point that I’m convinced she’s acquired a rare late-onset kind of Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria syndrome, but, you know, it’s totally not her fault. Trust me on this.

Ya, she’s delusional, but it’s just genetic.


Anyone holding Linds responsible for her actions probably just didn’t take high school biology– it’s in her genes.

Her mother gets drunk to go on Dr. Phil, flips him off, and blames “clever editing” for looking like straight up white trash. Besides the fact I already question her judgment for going on that show, or that she doesn’t understand that blurring her finger out is FCC regulation and not some sneaky ploy, Dina thinking she could come out looking good in any situation is the definition of delusional.

She could be reading to blind orphans in Africa and they’d stop her and ask, “Ma’am, why’d you sell your daughter’s soul for tangential fame and a quick pay day?” And she’d probably just laugh and say, “Sweet heart, my fame ain’t tangerine, that’s just the spray tan. Gotta look good for the cameras. Could you be a doll and top me off while you grab another book?”

And daddy Michael? Pretty sure he thinks he’s a super hero. I’m guessing his super power would be to say and do anything to get a moment of fame. If you were to ask him, he’d probably say “blowing shit up with my mind.” Meh, he’s kinda got a point.

See, it’s not Lindsay’s fault—blame her parents. Even if the gene were recessive, she’s plain fucked. So, her tweets to complain about Amanda Bynes not going to jail really aren’t showing her very shallow grasp on reality or the gravity of being a car-wrecking, drug carrying, jewel-thief, it’s just part of her genetic makeup, kinda like being a redhead.

Can’t blame the girl for having freckles, can you?

Nobody can parallel park—That’s why God invented valet

The real crime in this most recent hit and run case is that there wasn’t a valet. What the hell? Might as well have been a third world country.

Ok, so Lindsay has already crashed a few cars, and was already on probation for lifting a few things from friends, and the pedestrian she hit said she “reeked of booze.” I don’t know why everyone’s so busy hating on the hustle and not focusing on the real issue at hand—where was the damn valet?

This would have never happened if she weren’t forced like a damn caveman to park her own car. It’s America, dammit.

And people are trying to say she fled the scene of the crime? Pffft… those people must all be poor and have never had a Porsche before. Getting a dent in one of those things is like getting a stain—the sooner your fix it, the better chance you have of getting it out. Not sure why the pedestrian was acting all selfish, trying to make her wait around. He’d be just as hurt later as he was at the start, so chill dude. Cut Lindsay some slack, she’s trying to be responsible.

She understands how to barter and she’s good at it—so sue her.

Lindsay has a firm handle on trade in any given market, and understands, under certain situations, there are things more valuable than money. For instance, a married man who has millions of dollars isn’t going to be bought in the traditional sense of the word. He can, however, be convinced.

So, now the world is all pissed that Lindsay has it figured out? Sorry she didn’t have to sit through hours of boring lectures to understand the intricacies of micro and macroeconomics. Girl knows the going rate, knows what she wants, and is willing to get it. That’s the American dream right there.

So, unless every American that aims to achieve their wildest dreams by doing what the market requires is thought of as a waste of a human being, then I think we can officially clear LiLo from the “do not resuscitate” list.

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