Incarceration can be a good impulse for the artist. Wilde famously wrote De Profundis, Tupac had a number one album with Me Against The World,? even Hitler managed to stop killing Jews long enough to write Mein Kampf.
So, what's the Lohan up to now she's banged up for being a coke-trousered tosser? Taking in bags of macaroni and glitter? Composing a set of poised, self-critical memoirs? Demanding the destruction of anyone with a suspiciously large nose? ?Admiring the body art on the sexy, sexy ladies that she gets to spend the next couple of months with?
Of course not. She's decided to bang out a handful of whiny tunes about how hard it is to be a hugely famous, hugely disorganised, bell-end.
Besides, Mel Gibson has the whole Jewish thing locked down for when he is inevitably thrown into jail for being the world's most offensive twatbasket.
In what will surely end up usurping Phil Spector’s Out of My ?Chelle as the worst ever piece of prison-created art, Lohan is going to bother the turd end of the charts with songs She'll write all by herself while she dodges flaming toilet roll and the attentions of Big Donna-Marie. Well, that's only as long as ?talking on the phone to her producers, lyric writers and manager? still counts as ?writing it by herself? that is.
Anyhoo, Entertainmentwise pre-emptively sticks its digital fingers in its non-existent ears and yells:
Lindsay is going to spend her time in jail writing new songs that she will record the second she gets out
Worryingly, it seems that the ?New Songs? remark isn't a typo. Two albums,?apparently?. No, don’t worry, us neither.
On the plus side though, it looks like She'll only be in the slammer for a couple of weeks at best, and between all the telephone interviews, the negotiation of book deals and the near-constant atmosphere of frenetic lesbian energy, it's unlikely that She'll have either the time or the energy to compose the simplest naff-pop-rock hit. So I think we?ll all be safe from a full albums worth of tracks about how her Human Rights were violated with a big court-ordered stick, and how the paparazzi made her SCRAM anklet get wankered just to get her in trouble.
Maybe she’ll just release an easily-ignorable EP, or a cheap download, or hum a tune?in the shower, or maybe she’ll just shout at a tambourine or something. Basically, as long as you’re out of earshot of her when she gets out of choky, you should be alright.
Well, that is unless? she gets in debt to Big Donna-Marie. In that case expect a hastily constructed full album of country ballads for Donna-Marie, with tracks along the lines of, ?Call Off the Goons?, ?You And My Tennis Racquet Lover? and ?Of Course I Love You (Don't Push It In Any More)?. To be released the very afternoon that she gets out.
Follow hecklerspray on Twitter
Eugene says
Maybe she could try to beat Heidi Montag’s ‘record’ for first week sales…