Lindsay Lohan Not So Much Engaged As Not Engaged

We have an impulse problem here at hecklerspray.  

We get excited about something and jump all over it, and are then heartbroken by the consequences. Take, for instance, when Milli Vanilli hit the scene and we replaced our wardrobe with black spandex crop pants and blazers with monstrous shoulder pads, only to find there was no one to do the synchronised side to side, grab and pull dance moves with us. It still hurts a little inside.  

Well, we’ve done it again. When we recently heard that Lindsay Lohan was engaged to her fellow rehabber boyfriend, we got so excited that we hurried and planned a Utah-inspired bachelorette party complete with Jello, funeral potatoes, and music by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. But, alas, it turns out that Lindsay Lohan is not engaged.  

Does anyone know what we can do with 50 Jello moulds shaped like Herbie? 

As shocking as it is, initial reports that Lindsay Lohan was engaged to a guy she met in rehab, Riley Giles, were unfounded. The addiction-prone pair met whilst undergoing rehab for perhaps a myriad of substance addictions at the Cirque Lodge in Utah. We were as disappointed as you were to learn that the Cirque Lodge didn’t have brightly costumed contortionist dancers preaching sobriety through song like unto Cirque de Soleil. However, despite that deceiving element, the rehab facility seems to have helped to tame Lindsay Lohan, and help her to enter into a loving, relationship that was rumoured to be somewhat marriage-y for a second and a half.

The juicy rumour began when OK! Magazine announced that the two lovebirds – whose relationship is surely as eternal as any other relationship built by two drunks and/or druggies –  got engaged during their time in rehab. Hey, they have a source, people. The source may possibly be a delusional idiot who also claims to play racquetball in space on Tuesdays with his best friend, Count Chocula, but a source nonetheless. E! Online reports: 

"She fell hard for Riley, they have a lot in common, and Lindsay's starting her life over. Rehab was her wake-up call, and she wants someone she can relate to, as opposed to sleeping with the latest hot guy in Hollywood," a source tells the tab.  

But Lindsay Lohan’s pack of slaves, newly refreshed after a much needed break while Lindsay was in rehab, quickly put the rumours to rest by stating that “it’s completely untrue.”

Now, we know what you’re thinking. Stating something is 'completely untrue' in Hollywood can really mean 'yeah, that’s true'. Like when Britney Spears was squashing the divorce whisperings by telling the world how wonderful her marriage was only to shave her head, hit paparazzi vehicles with an umbrella, and divorce the baggy pants circa 1995 right off of Kevin Federline.

We're going to go ahead and keep hoping all hopes that these these two will get hitched. Not because we believe that Lindsay Lohan and this Riley Giles guy wouldn't be a humiliating disgrace to the institution of marriage, which they would, but because we'd hate to cancel the choir. They were almost as hard to get as Hannah Montana tickets.

Read more: 

LiLo Engaged? Not So Fast - E! Online