Lindsay Lohan is living proof to the kids that crime doesn't pay, unless you're a famous actress and you break the law twice really quickly and the judge has probably seen your vagina on the internet, in which case it sort of pays.
That's because Lindsay Lohan has finally been brought to justice for her near-constant cocaine-trousered DUI arrests this year. And what punishment has the judge given Lindsay Lohan for crashing her car then going to rehab then declaring "I'm a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want" before getting drunk again with cocaine in her pockets and chasing a car full of terrified passengers around Los Angeles? One single day in prison. Now, Lindsay Lohan's punishment might seem to you like another case of celebrities getting preferential treatment, but to California's female prisoners it's a challenge – their toothbrush/razorblade shivs are going to have to withstand a very short burst of high-intensity slashing action when Lindsay Lohan arrives.
As ridiculous as it seems, Lindsay Lohan is a rolemodel for young girls everywhere, and they're directly influenced by everything that Lindsay Lohan does. For instance, Lindsay Lohan taught her fans how to have sex with McFly and how to fall over and smash their wrists to pieces, and when Lindsay Lohan made I Know Who Killed Me an army of teenagers immediately went out and made really shitty films about strippers that didn't make any sense. That's how influential Lindsay Lohan is.
So when Lindsay Lohan does something stupidly illegal, it's important that she's duly punished to show her fans that social irresponsibily is 'wack'. With that in mind, Lindsay Lohan should have really had it coming to her after her recent exploits. Although Lindsay Lohan went to rehab early this year before leaving and claiming there was nothing wrong with her, Lindsay Lohan went and quickly proved that there probably was something wrong with her when she got drunk and crashed her cocaine-filled car into a shrub in May. Cue another rehab trip and then another DUI arrest and then another rehab trip and that's where Lindsay Lohan is now.
And since both Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie have both been sentenced to jail for spazzing about in cars, it was only fair that Lindsay Lohan got the same treatment. So she has – Lindsay Lohan is going to jail for her illegal actions. For the grand total of a day because she didn't quite have enough drugs to bump her misdemeanor charges up to a felony, and also possibly because the judge just loved The Parent Trap. BBC News reports:
Actress Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to a day in jail after pleading guilty to drink driving and drug charges as part of a plea bargain. She has also been ordered to do community service and complete a drug treatment programme… In a statement, Lohan said: "It is clear to me that my life has become completely unmanageable because I am addicted to alcohol and drugs. Recently I relapsed and did things for which I am ashamed. I broke the law and today I took responsibility by pleading guilty to the charges in my case."
Now don't go thinking that Lindsay Lohan actually wrote this statement. For one all the spelling and grammar is suspiciously correct and also, last we heard, Lindsay Lohan thought she was innocent.
Anyway, give or take a lawsuit or two, all Lindsay Lohan needs to do is roll up for jail, stay there for as long it takes to marinade a piece of chicken and it'll all be over. But don't think that Lindsay Lohan will be pleased with her soft sentencing here – status is everything in Lindsay Lohan's clueless celebrity world, and we expect that she'll be annoyed that her sentence was four times smaller than Nicole Richie's original sentence and a whopping 23 times smaller than Paris Hilton's. So, rather than be deemed runt of the jail-time litter, don't be surprised if Lindsay Lohan rushes out and shoots a nun in the face with a nail gun next week. Or something.