You hear that wheeze? That deathly, haunting wheeze? That’s the dying gasp of Lindsay Lohan’s movie career.

Or maybe it’s just how Lindsay Lohan breathes. We honestly can’t say for sure. But anyway, Lindsay Lohan’s film career does seem to be in a bit of a pickle at the moment – her great big movie comeback Labor Pains isn’t going to be released theatrically in America.

That’s bad news for Lindsay Lohan, but worse news for us – Labor Pains is still getting an international theatrical release. Basically what we’re saying is give us sanctuary in America. We’ll clean pools. Anything. Please.

We didn’t know this was true, but apparently spending all her time morosely traipsing around three steps behind her novelty pencil of a lesbian girlfriend and occassionally breaking into embarrassing scuffles for the sake of the paparazzi isn’t Lindsay Lohan’s full-time job.

Apparently – and this doesn’t sound right to us, so take it with a grain of salt – Lindsay Lohan is a professional actress. We know! How crazy does that sound? We knew she dabbled in acting because we once saw a trailer for I Know Who Killed Me, but we always just assumed that it was just a rubbishy, deliberately provocative Madonna-style sideline designed exclusively to test the public’s patience to its limit.

But, no. Acting is really Lindsay Lohan’s real job. Or at least it was. It might not be for much longer, given that Lindsay Lohan’s comeback vehicle is going to bypass cinemas in favour of a world premiere on the prestigious ABC Family channel that we only just learnt existed. Access Hollywood reports:

Fans waiting to see Lindsay Lohan’s latest movie won’t have to leave their living rooms. Lindsay’s new film, “Labor Pains,” will not be released in theaters, Access Hollywood has learned. Instead, the comedy will premiere on ABC Family, a source for the film’s production company, Nu Image/Millennium Films, confirmed to Access. The movie will debut on the cable channel in July 2009, with a DVD release coming in August.

But why has Lindsay Lohan’s Labor Pains gone straight to cable in such an embarrassing way? Well, here’s one reason…

To clarify, that reason was that Labor Pains looks terrible.

Lindsay Lohan’s got other ideas, though. According to Lindsay Lohan, Labor Pains is being shunted to cable because of the evil media and the way it’s got it in for her. Lindsay recently told Nylon:

“It’s scary when you realize, ‘Oh my God, I’m not working. And I have a house to pay for now. … And yes, the Web sites, the gossip pages, and all of that stuff have hurt my career — they’re like the burn books of Hollywood.”

Which is fair enough, we suppose. After all, we did hide cocaine in Lindsay Lohan’s trousers and get her so drunk that she went on a berserk cross-town car chase until she got arrested that time.

And it was us who asked the head of a Hollywood studio to write Lindsay Lohan a letter telling her to stop being such an unprofessional bellend on set.

Plus we also secretly forged Lindsay Lohan’s signature to sign a number of contracts, locking her into a procession of worse and worse films until nobody could possibly take her seriously as an actress again.

God, we’re bastards.

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