You're probably wondering how Lindsay Lohan has managed to go 15 whole days without getting arrested for driving about like some sort of massive spackwad all full of booze and drugs again, aren't you.
After all, outside of rehab, Lindsay Lohan's previous longest stretch of time without any troublemaking was three and a half minutes in the summer of 2005 when she was briefly trapped in a lift that didn't have a bar in it. But Lindsay Lohan has shattered that record by laying low at her mother's place in Long Island surrounded by the loving bosom of her family. And we're sure the extended break from the LA party scene will do Lindsay Lohan the world of good, especially her main points of human contact for the time being will be a hard-partying, fame-hungry coattail-riding mother, a serial fraudster ex-convict father and younger sister who couldn't be more like Lindsay Lohan if she dyed her pubes fluorescent orange.
Yes, Lindsay will do well there.
it's unfair to say that Lindsay Lohan has come off the rails, because that phrase would suggest that Lindsay Lohan even knew what rails were in the first place. Lindsay Lohan's whole life has been an ever-increasing spiral of madness that's all too hard to stop. Sure, it's fun to have an asthma attack in Florida or shag one of McFly, but before you know it you're suicidal, addicted to OxyContin, bobbing in and out of rehab like Tom Sizemore on a bungee rope and getting arrested for DUI in possession of drugs. And then getting arrested for DUI in possession of drugs again.
And now it's fair to say that Lindsay Lohan's life is in tatters. Nobody wants to go and see the stupid stripper film she's in, nobody wants to make any more films with her and she's stuck with rubbish old Calum Best as a boyfriend. So, with the prospect of both rehab and jail on the horizon, what's Lindsay Lohan to do? Why, that's simple – Lindsay Lohan has done the same thing you'd do – she's gone to spend some quality recuperation time with her massively dysfunctional family, as the New York Post reports:
[Lindsay] been lying low at mom Dina's house in Merrick since landing [on Friday]. Meanwhile, dad Michael weighed in, saying he's "ecstatic" that his troubled daughter is here. "She's here and in a good place, and I hope our family is reunited to bring Lindsay back the stability she needs," Michael said. "Dina just needs to keep the wrong people away from her." Michael adds that he knows the nervousness his daughter must be feeling when she thinks about her upcoming court date to face the charges she racked up in L.A. "Anyone would be afraid to face this situation. I feel responsible for what happened. I led by the wrong example."
It's not known how long Lindsay Lohan will spend getting better with her family, but we'd imagine it'll be at least until she realises that her Dad is the born-again Christian who annoyed Lindsay enough to write a 'you're a shit dad' song about or that her mother is the woman who defends her daughter's professionalism one minute and goes out partying with her like a gigantic attention-whore the next. Seriously, Lindsay Lohan would be far better off trying to find herself a more appropriate set of role models to aid her recovery.
We hear Courtney Love and David Hasselhoff are free.
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Mithaearon says
Scene:
Sporting Field, in particular a running track.
Five competitors run onto the pitch.
Commentator:
Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park.
You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter’s afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we’re in for a splendid afternoon’s sport in this the 127th Pointless Waste of Space Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you.
Nicole Richie has an
O-level in chemo-hygiene.
Lindsay Lohan, married to a very attractive table lamp.
Britney Spears, her best friend is a tree,
and in her spare time she’s a stockbroker.
Paris Hilton is in the Guards,
and her father uses her as a wastepaper basket.
And finally That Other One,
Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year’s outstanding twit.
Now they’re moving up to the starting line,
there’s a jolly good crowd here today.
Now they’re under starter’s orders…
and they’re off.
(the starter fires the gun, but nobody moves)
Ah no, they’re not.
No they didn’t realize they were supposed to start.
Never mind, we’ll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now.
I think Britney and Paris Hilton have got the idea.
All set to go.
(starter fires gun again and the twits move offer in different directions)
Oh, and they’re off and it’s a fast start this year.
That Other One running a bit wide there and now they’re coming into their first test, the straight line.
(All the Twits run erratically along five white lines)
They’ve got to walk along this straight line without failing over and That Other One’s over at the back there, er, Lindsay’s coming through quite fast on theoutside, I think Lindsay and Britney, both of them coming through very fast. There’s Britney there. No. Three, I’m sorry, and on theoutside there’s Paris coming through just out of shot and now, the position…
(the twits approach a line of matchboxes
piled three high)
Lindsay and Nicole at the front coming to the
matchbox jump… three layers of matchboxes to clear… and Lindsay’s over and Nicole’s over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime –
if only her father could understand.
Here’s Britney… and now Paris is over she’s, er, Britney is over, and it’s Paris, Paris is going to jump it, is it, no she’s jumped the wrong way, there.she goes, Britney’s over, beautifully.
Now it’s only That Other One. That Other One… and Paris…
oh bad luck.
And now it’s Kicking the Beggar.
(the twits are kicking a beggar with a tray)
Lindsay’s there and she’s putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but she’s going down and Lindsay can move on. Now Nicole’s there. Nicole is there and waiting for a chance. Here tie comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Lindsay’s on No. l, Nicole a, Britney 3, Paris on 4 and That Other One bringing up the rear.
Ah there’s That Other One…
(That Other One is still trying to jump the matchboxes)
…there’s That Other One now, she’s at the back. I think she’s having a little trouble with her old brain injury, she’s going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, she’s up, she doesn’t know when she’s beaten, this boy, lie doesn’t know when she’s winning either. She doesn’t have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there’s Paris
(She is still kicking the beggar)
and she’s putting the boot in there and she’s got the beggar down and the steward’s giving her a little bit of advice, yes, she can move on now, she can move on to the Hunt Photograph. She’s off, Paris is there and That Other One’s still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes.
(the twits approach a table with two attractive girls and a photographer)
Now here’s the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here’s Lindsay, she’s going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Nicole’s through there and, er, Britney’s there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Nicole Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith.
(shot of twit in a sports car reversing into cut-out of old woman)
And there’s, there’s Lindsay now in the sports car, she’s reversed into the old woman, she’s caught her absolutely beautifully. Now she’s going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbour. There’s Nicole I think, no Nicole’s lost her keys, no there’s Nicole, she’s got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here she is. Here she is to wake up the neighbournow.
(a man in bed in the middle of the pitch.
The twit slams car door repeatedly)
Lindsay right in the lead, comfortably in the lead, but she can’t get this neighbour woken up. She’s slamming away there as best she can. She’s getting absolutely no reaction at all. There, she’s woken him up and Lindsay’s through. Here comes Nicole, Nicole to slam the door, and there we are back at the Hunt Ball, I think that’s Paris there, that’s Paris going through there, and here, here comes That Other One, brave That Other One. Is she going to make it to the table, no I don’t think she is, yes she is,
(twit falls over the table)
she did it, ohh. And the crowd are rising to her there, and there I can see, who is that there, yes that’s Britney, Britney has woken the neighbour – my God this is exciting. Britney’s got very excited and she’s going through and here comes Paris. Paris, oh no this is, er, out in the front there is Lindsay who is supposed to insult the waiter and she’s forgotten.
(Lindsay runs past a waiter standing with a tray)
And That Other One has run himself over,
(That Other One lying in front of car)
…what a great twit!
And now here comes Nicole, Nicole to insult the waiter, and she is heaping abuse on him, and she is humiliating him, there and she’s gone into the lead. Lindsay’s not with him, no Nicole’s in front of her at the bar.
(the twits each have several goes at getting under a bar of wood five feet off the ground)
Lindsay’s got to get under this bar and this is extremely difficult as it requires absolutely expert co-ordination between mind and body. No Nicole isn’t there. Here we go again and Lindsay’s fallen backwards. Here’s Britney, she’s tripped, Britney has tripped, and she’s under and Lindsay fails again, er, here is Paris, and Lindsay is through by accident. Here’s Paris to be the last one over, there we are, hero’s Britney right at the head of the field,
(the twits approach five rabbits staked out on the Found;
they fire at them with shotguns)
and now she’s going to shoot the rabbit, and these rabbits have been tied to the ground, and they’re going to be a bit frisky, and this is only a one-day event. And they’re blazing away there. They’re not getting quite the results that they might, Paris is in there trying to bash it to death with the butt of her rifle, and I think Britney’s in there with her bare hands, but they’re not getting the results that they might, but it is a little bit misty today and they must be shooting from a range of at least one foot. But they’ve had a couple of hits there I think, yes, they’ve had a couple of hits, and the whole field is up again and here they are.
(they approach a line of shopwindow dummies
each wearing only a bra)
They’re coming up to the debs, Paris first, Nicole second, Lindsay third. And now they’ve got to take the bras off from the front, this is really difficult, this is really the most, the most difficult part of the entire competition, and they’re having a bit of trouble in there I think, they’re really trying now and the crowd is getting excited, and I think some of the twits are getting rather excited too.
(the twits are wreaking havoc on the dummies)
Nicole is there, Nicole is coming through, Lindsay’s in second place, and, no there’s That Other One, she’s not necessarily out of it. There goes Britney, no she’s lost something, and Paris running through to this final obstacle.
(they approach a table with five
revolvers laid out on it)
Now all they have to do here to win the title is to shoot themselves. Lindsay has a shot. Bad luck, she misses. Britney misses. Now there’s Paris, and Paris has shot himself- Paris is Pointless Waste of Space Twit of the Year. There’s Britney, she’s shot Lindsay by mistake, Lindsay is back up and there’s Britney, Britney’s shot himself: Britney is third in this fine and most exciting Pointless Waste of Space Twit of the Year Show I’ve ever seen. Britney’s clubbed himself into fourth place.
(three coffins on stand with medals)
And so the final result:
The Pointless Waste of Space Twit of the Year –
Paris Hilton.
Runner up – Nicole Richie
Third – Britney Spears
Well there’ll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight.