By this point, most of us imagine Lindsay Lohan to be little more that 105 lbs of walking scar tissue.
Seriously, it seems that this year alone she accidentally cut herself, cracked some ribs, and had her head transplanted onto the body of a two legged emaciated camel.
As hecklerspray really loathes source checking, we can't say for sure that all those injuries we listed are true, but we can say this next one is: Lindsay Lohan is in the hospital getting an appendectomy.
The term 'appendectomy' means either 'the surgical removal of the vermiform appendix', or it's Spanish for 'waffle cone'. We're too lazy to check – remember?
To most of the world, Lindsay Lohan is a mystery. All we really know about her is she released something uniformly referred to as an 'album' for some reason or other, and she enjoys making movies about homosexual automobiles. hecklerspray's mother just informed us Herbie's not gay, but we're pretty sure we once saw him making love to a yellow medallion taxicab with a Scissor Sister in the back seat – nothing gay about that, right mom?
Another thing the world concretely knows about Lindsay Lohan is that she's a woman with a thousand hobbies – hobbies like dehydration, zit killing, thigh bruising, wrist smashing, getting tattoos to remind her what to do with her lungs, and receiving beat-down threats from William H. Macy.
Those are many fine hobbies, it's true, but Lohan doesn't limit herself to just the above listed. She also enjoys the occasional organ removal. Her appendix, for instance, is probably being incinerated with a big pile of medical waste in some fiery hospital furnace as we
speak type. That's right, Lohan's latest headline is that she's having an appendectomy. Her three-named slave Leslie Sloane Zelnik gave a very definitive statement on the matter:
"[Lohan] is having her appendix removed. That's all I will confirm."
Operations like that can be so expensive – that's why when we all get tired of lugging around so many innards, we go to Clive, a shady Russian 'surgeon' with the utmost integrity and no last name. So far with Clive's help, we're down one lung, three 'vertebrae-shaped fatty deposits', and two naturally ugly kidneys. Now we know what you're thinking – 'how can hecklerspray be alive without any kidneys?' Well let us tell you, it is medically feasible. Clive says the occasional light-headedness is completely normal, because now our brain is picking up the kidney slack by processing hundreds of gallons of urine every 15 minutes. If any of you organ-toting losers are interested in ridding yourselves of your inner burdens, we can get you pretty good discount.
"Pretty good' implies a savings not to exceed 4%.