Lily Allen Vs Cheryl Cole: It’s Rather Tediously On
Then buzz it up
May 16th, 2007 at 11:30 by Stuart Heritage
Squat pop Ewok Lily Allen is famous for two things; wearing trainers with dresses and mercilessly slagging off any singer that she happens to be ambiently thinking about at any point in time - but sometimes her victims hit back, making Lily Allen sad.
This is basically what's been happening between Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole, the one from Girls Aloud who has to do all the talky bits in their songs because she can't be trusted to actually sing. First Lily Allen said something about Cheryl Cole, then Cheryl Cole called Lily Allen a "chick with a dick" on TV, then Lily Allen was all "boo hoo, I'm so fat and hideous" on her MySpace blog and now Lily Allen has got it together enough to call Cheryl Cole a "stupid bitch." Experience tells us that what'll happen next is that Cheryl Cole will pass Lily Allen a note in class that says "you're dead you are" before the other members of Girls Aloud grab Lily Allen after geography, throw her satchel on the roof of the woodwork block and hold her down while Cheryl Cole pulls her hair, gives her an extra-hard Chinese burn and kicks her in the chuff.
Usually when celebrities squabble it's easy to pick a side. Most people instinctively knew if they were Team Aniston or Team Jolie, for example. But trying to find even a shred of empathy for either Lily Allen or Cheryl Crow is a feat that's just beyond us. But let's look at both sides anyway, if only for shits and giggles.
On the one hand there's Cheryl Cole; the preening, self-absorbed wife of a middling footballer who is singularly Girls Aloud's least talented member and who once apparently screamed the word "jigaboo" at a black toilet attendant in a club. And then there's Lily Allen, a girl who'd start a fight with her own reflection if you put the mirror down low enough where she could see it. In the past Lily Allen has called Corinne Bailey Rae "boring" and got into a pikey fight with Lady Sovereign. And now Lily Allen and Cheryl Cole have turned on each other like a couple of terrifying pop stags charging antler-first at each other, albeit terrifying pop stags you couldn't really give that much of a shit about.
It all started on Gordon Ramsay's tiresome F Word show where, after a nice film about eating a horse, Gordon tried to ramp up publicity for his directionless programme by reminding guest Cheryl Cole that Lily Allen had one said:
"Nobody really wants to look like Cheryl, they just think they do."
To which, after some goading from Ramsay, Cheryl Cole replied:
"Chick with a dick."
And then it all kicked off. Still sensitive after her New Look clothing line was dwarfed by the Kate Moss one at Topshop, Lily wrote a self-pitying blog on her MySpace page claiming that she was fat and grotesque and that she wanted a gastric band and plastic surgery and whatnot. But it seems this self pity was a one-time thing, because now Lily Allen has written another post, this time saying:
I know I've said bad things about people in the past , though the majority of them have been blown wayyyy out of proportion , but this i mean… Cheryl if you're reading this , I may not be as pretty as you but at least I write and SING my own songs without the aid of autotune . I must say taking your clothes off , doing sexy dancing and marrying a rich footballer must be very gratifying , your mother must be so proud , stupid bitch .
No doubt it'll be about a millisecond before Cheryl hits back calling Lily a 'dog' or something, only for Lily to retaliate by saying that Cheryl's got a bum for a head and she poos out of the bum and the poo runs down her face and hits her in the eye which is somehow a part of both her bum and her face at the same time.
So whose side should we be on in this utterly pointless waste of energy? By whinging around so much, Lily Allen has shown that she can't handle it when she's on the receiving end of a slagging - but then again, she wasn't involved in a pissawful charity cover version of Walk This Way, either. And there are just some things that we can't forgive.
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May 16th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
As much as they’re both hideous wastes of space, Lily DID start it…
May 16th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Lily allen is better looking……..face it cheryl
May 16th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
I think for 2 adults there not setting a very good example to children. Its all play ground ’she said this and she said that’. Will the pair of them just grow up!!!!
May 16th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Heckler Spray - it is a wonderful write up and the sooner we get married the better.
May 16th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
The phrase, “Squat pop Ewok Lily Allen” would validate everything you had ever done, even if the rest of it was shite. Journalistic genius, and I thank you for it.
May 16th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
It’s not shite, obvoisly. You funny.
May 16th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I’m gonna have to go with Lily on this one.
May 16th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
this one made me laugh so much! Love it
May 16th, 2007 at 5:01 pm
another celeb chav fight (sorry tweedy, just because you wear nice clothes doesn’t mean your not a chav anymore). ho hum. Lilly could blatantly kick her ass- you get me
May 16th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
So, loudmouth Lily Cole can dish it out but can’t take it? lol She has been insulting people since she came on the scene with her rhymes but now that someone gave it back to her, she starts crying. I guess people also think they want to look like Kate Moss, too, eh Lily, I mean, I didn’t see anyone rushing out to buy those prom dresses of yours.
May 16th, 2007 at 6:49 pm
This is going to sound completely stupid, but I’ve never heard of these two people. Are they the British equivalent of Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera?
By the way, I’m going to have to add the word “chuff†to my vocabulary. The next time I have a fight with my girl I’ll tell her that she’s about to get kicked in the chuff. When she asks what the hell a chuff is, she’ll get kicked in it. And then she’ll pretend to forgive me and will get me drunk and when I fall asleep she’ll drop a bowling ball on my nuds. But it’ll still be worth it just to say “chuff†in a sentence.
May 16th, 2007 at 8:30 pm
I like Lily.who cares what others say something about her. She is really sweet.
May 17th, 2007 at 11:33 am
Viking Lumberjack - note that you can substitute the word Gash for Chuff quite easily. Both words make me smile. As does almost any sentence with the word Ewok in it.
May 17th, 2007 at 5:43 pm
i hate that twig cheryl cole who the hell would she be if it wasnt for ashly?ya i thought as much….now she thinks shes it……girls aloud come on……their songs really crack me up…..
May 20th, 2007 at 7:25 pm
Oh My God!!
Everything cheryl has said about lily is so true i hate her. Cheryl cole much prettier shes got a better personality and can tak what people say about her where as lily can say all sorts of stuff to hurt people but when it comes to someone stickig up for themselves and saying something back she has to make all her so alled fans feel sorry for her so evryone hates cheryl but it ent goin to happen Yeah and lily if yoou read this then yes you are a “chick wiv a dick” BUT… It was gordon ramsey who said it first a then when he asked what she thought of lily she said the same thing.
people who are sayin that it ent a goos example for kids SO WHAT!! Their not there for kids to copy them their there to do their jobs earn money and entertain us. So If lily carn’t handle what people say about her she needs to shut er fat gob and stop slaggin people of her self she started it so she can finish it enough with ya sob storys lily noone’s interested okayy
I may be a geordie but thats not the reason im sticking up for cheryl its because cheryls right…Sort ya self out lily!!!!
Love You Cheryl_x
May 25th, 2007 at 9:39 am
i think u cherly u r right and lily shut the fuck up u r taking berr shitt u fat and a bigg fat dick
July 6th, 2007 at 9:49 pm
Cheryl is a much better person than Lily. Girls Aloud are my fav popstars eva. Lily is so rubbish that i think her record company are gonna drop her. Cheryl is so pretty and seems to have a good personality but Lily is the opposite. I might be a geordie but i think Cheryl is right and i’m wiv her all the way. Why does Lily think she can take the p*** out of Cheryl’s accent. If Lily did that to me she would be black and blue. Keep stickin up for yourself Cheryl cos so far u r makin us geordies proud. At least Cheryl can take what people say and think of her unlike Lily.
July 7th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
lily gooo cherly just jealous of lily
August 15th, 2007 at 6:13 pm
I think you might find that the real beef was stired up with the cover version of lillys song about Cashly Cole.
when he went from Arsenal to Chelski. check it out youtube
August 17th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
just quoting that rachael person.. ^^^^ “atleast cheryl can take what people say” yes, thats why her comeback was “chick with a dick” she clearly DOESNT own a brain, or still hasnt figured out who to use it. twat. cheryl? prettier than lilly, lets be honest. no. and fair play even if she was, its true, shes a ponse who only sounds good coz of autotune and prances around on stage and so forth we have the art of distraction, OH LOOK, im removing clothes and touching myself, dancey dancey, in the mean time no-one gathers shes absolute rubish. lilly may have started it, and fair enough shes not the best performer in the world, but shes a damn right better than her thats fo’sure.
February 13th, 2008 at 12:41 am
[...] began, she has a rather nasty habit of being a poster-girl for body fascism. Charlotte Church and Lily Allen have been targets for her acid tongue in the past, while anyone who has happened to walk within [...]
September 10th, 2008 at 3:29 am
To all student girls and gay student boys . . Cheryl is a lady, and she is fitter. Get over it, because, the real men out there would choose Cheryl and not the silly little student girl Lily any day of the week.
Lilly: Your dad isn’t a gangster and he will never be Lawrence Olivier.
You might appeal to little boys, but those little boys with a little bit of confidence would choose Cheryl. Ok.
Ok. Understand. Good. NOW SHUT UP.
Im going to bed to dream about Lady Cheryl sitting on my manly hairy chest.