Finding someone to be the face of your underwear collection is a daunting task – if you follow your instincts and pick a ferociously sexy supermodel, you'll just end up intimidating your customers away.
So what's the other option? How about a three-foot-tall chav who looks a little bit like an Ewok? Of course – it couldn't be any more obvious, which is why Lily Allen has signed up to be the new face of lingerie company Agent Provocateur. While Lily Allen might be an unconventional choice to model underwear, we're sure that her Agent Provocateur campaign will go down a storm with real women who don't like to be patronised. And the blind. We hear the blind are going to be an especially key winter Agent Provocateur demographic.
Just what is it with the Allen family? We don't think we've ever seen a group of relatives so dementedly hell-bent on stripping off for our entertainment. Watch Shallow Grave, see Keith Allen's penis. Go and see the touring version of Equus, see Alfie Allen's penis. And now, open any glossy women's magazine and see the outline of Lily Allen's penis tucked between her legs in a nice pair of frilly undercrackers or something.
Because, ladies, it might just be time to go braless. It's a safer option than buying new underwear at the moment, that's for sure. If you go into Victoria's Secret you'll be thumped over the head with the hits of the Spice Girls and now it's been announced that if you go into Agent Provocateur you'll have more pictures of Lily Allen moping about in a bra than you'd ever fear was possible. Because Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur.
And Lily has some big shoes to fill, because previous title-holders have included Kate Moss – the world-famous supermodel whose Agent Provocateur video broke the internet – and Maggie Gyllenhaal, star of that film that made everyone secretly think that bondage was worth a try. And now it's Lily Allen, who recently dressed up in a Habitat bag for a night out, started a fight with none-more-chav Lady Sovereign and got banned from an entire continent because she's so violent. But still, at least an Agent Provocateur insider seems happy enough about it:
"They feel her natural, voluptuous curves will appeal to a lot of women."
But why Lily Allen of all people? Let's continue the Agent Provocateur quote:
"She in amazing shape – down from a size 14 to an eight – and the pictures of her are sensational."
Ah, it's because she's not as dumpy as she used to be. Good for Lily Allen – as a role model for thousands of young girls, it's important that she teaches them that nobody will ever like them unless they shed almost half their bodyweight in a unnaturally short amount of time, prompting public concerns for their health. Only then will people want to see them in their bra.
But maybe that's not the real reason why Lily Allen is the new face of Agent Provocateur – maybe it's just shrewd business sense at work. After all, however much the company paid Lily Allen for the underwear shoot, it'll be getting three nipples for the price of two, and who could reject stunning value like that?