The Brit Awards – sort of like the Grammys but twelve full days shorter and featuring nobody that anyone really cares too much about – were kicked off yesterday with the announcement of the Brits nominations, to the excitement of about three people.
Having said that, the Brits nomination ceremony could just have easily consisted of a few music industry executives scrawling 'We Like Lily Allen' on a toilet wall with a biro in front of a photographer from Heat, since Lily Allen has officially stormed the Brits nominations. Lily Allen picked up four Brits nominations – more than anyone else – including Best Album and Best Female Act, cementing the Brits as the one-stop shop for awarding people who everyone kind of liked last summer but are pretty sick of now.
You can stick your Golden Globes up your arse, America, and your MTV Awards too – we've got The Brits! The Brits aren't just your usual dreary awards ceremony, the Brits are a message to the rest of the world about how crazy and dangerous the UK music scene is. For example, at the Brits Jarvis Cocker showed his bum to Michael Jackson, er, 11 years ago. And one of those Chumbawamba chaps threw some water over a politician, um, nine years ago. OK, so the Brits have been resolutely fun-free for almost an entire decade now, but all that changed with yesterday's announcement of the Brits nominations. How crazy and dangerous is the UK music scene now? Corinne Bailey Rae crazy and dangerous, that's how much.
The biggest winner at the Brits nominations ceremony yesterday was Lily Allen, who briefly stopped whoring herself out to rich people last year to record Alright, Still – the album that was enjoyable to listen to until every single TV show ever used music from it. Thanks to Alright, Still and a spurious label-run MySpace page that lazy journalists say made her famous instead of Lily's famous Dad, Lily Allen has picked up Brits nominations for Best Female Act, Best Single, Best Album and Best Breakthrough Act.
But hot on Lily's heels are the white-hot punk-rock stormtroopers Corinne Bailey Rae and James Morrison, who have three Brits nominations apiece, even though its been scientifically proved that no human being on the planet has been able to ever listen to a Corinne Bailey Rae or James Morrison song without a) instantly falling asleep or b) violently slashing at their wrists with the sharpest thing to hand just to make the bad noise go away. And don't even get us started on Snow Patrol…
Because last year's Brit Awards were so utterly without merit, organisers this year have tried to inject a new level of excitement into proceedings by broadcasting it live on February 14 and letting Russell Brand do the hosting, meaning we'll get to see a skinny goth say "dinkle." Rock and roll!
Here's the full list of Brits nominations. Read them, sigh and then be thankful at the blissful lack of James Blunt this year…
British Male Solo Artist: James Morrison, Jarvis Cocker, Lemar, Paolo Nutini, Thom Yorke.
British Female Solo Artist: Amy Winehouse, Corinne Bailey Rae, Jamelia, Lily Allen, Nerina Pallot.
British Group: Arctic Monkeys, Kasabian, Muse, Razorlight, Snow Patrol.
British Album: Amy Winehouse – Back To Black; Arctic Monkeys – Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not; Lily Allen – Alright Still; Muse – Black Holes & Revelations; Snow Patrol – Eyes Open.
British Single: Corinne Bailey Rae – Put Your Records On; The Feeling – Fill My Little World; James Morrison – You Give Me Something; The Kooks – She Moves In Her Own Way; Leona Lewis – A Moment Like This; Lily Allen – Smile; Razorlight – America; Sandi Thom – I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker; Snow Patrol – Chasing Cars; Take That – Patience; Will Young – All Time Love.
British Breakthrough Act: Corinne Bailey Rae, The Fratellis, James Morrison, The Kooks, Lily Allen.
British Live Act: George Michael, Guillemots, Kasabian, Muse, Robbie Williams.
International Male Solo Artist: Beck, Bob Dylan, Damien Rice, Jack Johnson, Justin Timberlake.
International Female Solo Artist: Beyoncé, Cat Power, Christina Aguilera, Nelly Furtado, Pink.
International Group: The Flaming Lips, Gnarls Barley, The Killers, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Scissor Sisters.
International Album: Bob Dylan – Modern Times; Gnarls Barkley – St Elsewhere; Justin Timberlake – FutureSex/LoveSounds; The Killers – Sam's Town; Scissor Sisters – Ta-Dah.
International Breakthrough Act: Gnarls Barkley, Orson, The Raconteurs, Ray Lamontagne and Wolfmother.
Outstanding Contribution To Music: Oasis.