If you’re reading this, you’re probably scum of the earth. Not because you kick small children, but because you haven’t appeared in Heat magazine.

Being a celebrity rocks because it gives you a higher vantage point over normal people. So what if you won a reality show five years ago, that ounce of fame means you can still be photographed picking up dogmuck five years later and newspapers will brand it as news.

Famous people often branch out from what they’re known for to make us believe they care about other people. This is what Lily Allen and a host of others have done – they’ve all contributed to War Child’s new album.

When news reports aren’t all focused on the weather or how we’ve messeded up the planet we’re told about other equally depressing issues. Not a day goes by without some sort of fear being waved in our faces. Job cuts, war and financial buggery are just a few hot topics for instant depression. And, if you’re a Daily Mail reader, immigrants are solely responsible.

So who’s going to change the world? Will it be our ever reliable government with its shaky prime minister who makes promises that always go tits up? Or will it be that bloke from the rival party? You know the middle-aged man who desperately wants to be hip and trendy like America’s new presidential equivalent Barack Obama?

A person in their field solving a problem? Don’t be daft, we need a celebrity. Quick! Blow the celebrity horn so we can gather a bunch of people together who collectively will be so delusional with fame that they believe that they can solve everything. We’ve already seen Band Aid attempt to solve the crisis in Africa to no effect, so what’s the next on the musical agenda of making a problem go away?

Well we’re having a sing-song for War Child this time it seems. A gang of artists has gotten together to record some songs for a new compilation album. But are the tracks fresh slabs of musical meat for the hungry musical masses to chomp on? No, instead we get treated to some cover versions which don’t particular look like they’re going to do the originals any justice.

There are some songs that should never be messed with because they are ridiculously awesome. Estelle seems a bit blind to this unwritten rule and has chosen Stevie Wonder’s Superstition to try and cover. We haven’t heard the result yet, but we aren’t expected anything that will rewrite musical history.

The album has attracted the attention of some fairly well-known people, but will their time spent recording someone else’s song help the plight of someone in wartorn Iraq? Judge for yourself, as the full list of contributors has just been released. Feast your eyes if you dare:

Beck – Bob Dylan’s Leopard-Skin Pill-Box Hat
Scissor Sisters – Roxy Music’s Do The Strand
Lily Allen ft Mick Jones – The Clash’s Straight To Hell
Duffy – Wings‘ Live And Let Die
Elbow - U2’s Running To Stand Still
TV On The Radio – David Bowie’s Heroes
Hot Chip – Joy Division’s Transmission
The Kooks – The Kinks‘ Victoria
Estelle – Stevie Wonder’s Superstition
Rufus Wainwright – Brian Wilson’s Wonderful/Song For Children
Peaches – Iggy And The Stooges’ Search And Destroy
The Hold Steady – Bruce Springsteen’s Atlantic City
The Like – Elvis Costello’s You Belong To Me
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – The Ramones‘ Sheena Is A Punk Rocker
Franz Ferdinand – Blondie’s Call Me

At best it looks like a tracklisting that would appear on one of Jo Whiley’s tragic Live Lounge albums. Perhaps instead of telling people what to do, maybe they should venture to these places instead of leaving mouthy rants on their MySpace blog about how much enriched they feel. Then again, we have got a member of the Royal Family actually battling away so we can’t knock him for that. Though the use of supposed racist language doesn’t help him. The silly ginger dressing Nazi.

War Child is nothing short of an amazing charity that raises funds to try and make life better for children who felt the effects of war. But somehow we don’t think that buying this record will cure any problems.

We’re more than happy to actually donate a wedge of cash instead of boosting some tosspot celebrity’s ego by buying into their latest project.