We knew something's been wrong the past ten months or so. The sun's been rising different, and lilacs have been blooming with no fear of getting shot by anyone in Lil' Kim's posse. Not that the pint-sized rapper's ever shot a lilac, mind you – but lilacs have been historically proven to be an overly cautious flower.
We've narrowed it down – we now know what's been wrong. Lil' Kim's been in the brig. She was locked up for "breaking" some sort of "law" as constituted by the "man" – "the" man who's "trying" to "bring" "her" and "her" "lyrical" "prowess" "down". ™.
She's out now, though – Lil' Kim's been legally sprung. We're told her first action upon reaching home was scrubbing off a
tattooed-on price tag that read "asking price: three cigarettes" with steel wool and bleach in a windex bottle. Hey – it's just what we heard.
Kimberly Jones, aka little lill leetle liddl luddle extremely small Kim is out of prison after a ten month stint. She's not completely out though, as she's still got to do a month of home school. We meant house arrest. Kim had this to say of the whole prison/freedom thing:
"Today is a joyous day for me and my family. I am extremely grateful and happy to be home. Many special thanks go out to my fans, who were critical in helping me get through these past 10 months. I am looking forward to adjusting back to my normal life and getting back to work."
Jones strolled out of the prison amidst a throng of fans and media, casually tossed the cake-crumb covered file that she never used over her shoulder, and climbed into a Rolls Royce said to be worth more than 10,000 blocks of prison cheese. There was no file. The Rolls was real.
The spectacle was filmed for her show Lil' Kim: Countdown to Lockdown, probably as a finale of sorts. Kim had been doing time for lying in court – the same thing that locked up Martha Stewart. And we've never seen them in public together at the same time. And their robust jaw-lines are identical and they're both reported to have fully functional woman-like innards. Coincidence? We think not. You heard it here first.
Read more:
Lil' Kim leaves prison in style – Reuters
[story by Shawn Lindseth]