Lil’ Kim is Probably Pregnant with a Bratz Doll

blowupdollSometimes the world is full of strange surprises. Dogs become friends with turtles, New York and Jersey shut down over an inch of snow, and Lil’ Kim gets pregnant. Of course, given the amount of plastic she’s put in her body over the last 15 years, I’m going to have to assume that her child will come out as either one of two things: a Bratz doll or a Monster High doll. Start your bets now!

39-year-old Lil’ Kim performed at The Blonds Fashion Week after-party in New York City on Wednesday night and decided to announce her pregnancy at the show. I don’t know what I’m more shocked by in my previous sentence: that Lil’ Kim is only 39, that she’s pregnant with an actual human child, or that she still gets hired to perform at major events.

Don’t get me wrong. I was allllll about Lil’ Kim back in the 1990s/early 2000s. I think she’s one of the greatest female rappers of all time and I will 100% back her in her dumbass feud with Nicki Minaj. But as the 2000s progressed, Lil’ Kim seemed to care less about her music and more about making herself look fucking terrifying.

wtfWHAT HAPPENED TO YOU GIRL?! Anyways, I have now come to realize that just because you are more plastic than human does not mean you cannot get pregnant. Lil’ Kim announced at the show:

I’m so excited! I’m a few months along, I can’t wait to be a mom! I’m a mom, but I can turn it up a little! I’m still going to work, I’m still going to be hardcore. The baby has made me even more of a beast!

No one is arguing that you won’t be a beast anymore, Kim (that was mean, I know.)

preggoShe then went on to perform her single “Lighters Up” and dedicated it to her late lover, Notorious B.I.G., who allegedly got her preggo back in the 90s, but she had an abortion since he was married to Faith Evans.

It’s also going to be Biggie’s birthday and the anniversary of his death soon so we [as she points to her belly] love you.

Is it weird that I would not be even remotely surprised if Lil’ Kim somehow got her hands on some of Biggie’s frozen sperm and impregnated her with it? I mean, she hasn’t said who the father of her child is, so maybe it’s because she pulled some shady shit with a dead guys sperm!

I can imagine this kid’s life now: Miley Cyrus will be the godmother, Puffy will be the godfather, and a hologram of Biggie will help Kim raise it. That is one family dinner I would kill to be a part of.

And, for no reason whatsoever, here is a mid-90’s photo of Lil’ Kim with Mariah Carey that kills me every time! Mariah looks so young and beautiful, and Kim looks like some sort of bridge troll that is about to suck out her beauty. Enjoy, kids!

terrifying

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Comments

  1. really? says

    This article is nothing more than a pitiful attempt at humor that says more about the author rather than the target.