Now that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have had Civilisation's Most Awe-Inspiring Infant and given it Civilization's Dumbest-Ever Name, Brad and Angelina get to use Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt for the purpose she was created for.
That purpose, if you need it spelling out, is to whore her out for charity at every single chance they get. Shiloh Nouvel is only just over a week old, but Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have already put her through a special photo-session so that they can sell her image and dole out the cash raised to some kind of charity – possibly the Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt 'Jesus Mom Why Didn't You Pull This Shit With Maddox?' therapy trust.
In some ways, it's as if both Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie know that they've never made a really good film between them, and have taken to this charity lark since it requires a lot less acting and they get much more recognition for it, especially when there's a baby as part of the deal. Sure, Brad Pitt's attempt to rebuild New Orleans got a bit of press, but not nearly as much as if he offered the winner of the architecture competition a quick stroke of Shiloh Nouvel's head, such is the frothing desire to see or touch the tot.
It's no secret that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were planning to sell off a set of baby photos to help raise money for charity, but now the deal has been made gloriously official. Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and newborn Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt have all apparently had the private photosession, and are leaving Getty Images to flog the photos on to publications around the planet. There's no word on when the images will be released, or to which magazines, but they are expected to be some of the most highly sought-after photos ever. Jonathan Klein, CEO of Getty Images, said in a statement:
"We are honoured that the Jolie-Pitt family has recognised our long-term commitment to these critical issues, as well as our ability to use the power of imagery to make a difference in the lives of many."
Meanwhile, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have released another statement about how much they love their new baby but not as much as they love trying to be Bono:
"While we celebrate the joy of the birth of our daughter, we recognise that two million babies born every year in the developing world die on the first day of their lives. These children can be saved, but only if governments around the world make it a priority."
hecklerspray was planning on placing a bid for the exclusive rights to buy the official Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt image rights, but several factors prevented us. Firstly, we know what babies already look like. Secondly, our 6p image-acquisition budget wouldn't have even paid for Geri Halliwell's baby pictures, let alone Angelina Jolie's. And finally, we reckon that waiting for the Shiloh Nouvel movie will be a bit more worthwhile. Unless it's anything like Troy or Tomb Raider, of course.
[story by Stuart Heritage]