As far as mainstream pop music goes, we can all say that the last person we’d think would get up to no good would be Leona Lewis.

After all, she did win X Factor in which the contestant is decided not just on their singing skills, but about whether they look right, can dance, have sex appeal and have gleaming personality skills. Basically if they’re not Leon Jackson.

Granted, Leona is still working on the personality aspect, but it doesn’t matter at all. Her fanbase of young girls and dying pensioners love her brand of soppy ballads. But hold tight, music world! We’ve heard that Leona Lewis has done something so rebellious that music fans will have no choice but take her seriously. Has she shaved her head or had a wank in front of the Pope? Well, we assume that’s stage two. She’s only gone and got a bloody tattoo.

These days, more and more woman-folk are escaping the kitchen and getting themselves some skin ink. Are they rebelling? Not really, we don’t imagine Emmeline Pankhurst ever needed to brand herself with a Disney character on her shoulder or a stupid meaningless tribal symbol on the base of her spine to assert her femininity.

So what has Leona gone for? Is it a complicated art collage that will show a seed of an apple starting at the bottom of her leg and grow to a full orchard across her stomach and back, symbolising that we start life small but can grow into powerful beings who go on to be exploited on TV talent shows? No, it’s a poem about fucking horses. That’s just a poem about horses, Mr. Lawyer, not a rhyme about her shagging an animal.

But hold on a second, we thought Leona Lewis would hate horse so much that she’d buy shares in a glue factory. After all, during our annual new year’s slow news day coverage, a story emerged that a horse threw her off its back, resulting in injury.

What poem could she have got permanently drilled in to her skin? If we had been paid to tattoo her, we’d have come up with the following. She could have loved them all equally and got them all done:

“I love horses,
Best of all the animals,
I love horses,
There my friends.”

“We ride together,
Clippity clop,
Me and my friend Netty,
We dance to hip hop a lot.”

But bizarrely, this isn’t what’s on Leona’s tattoo. She told The Sun:

“It goes halfway down my back; it’s a poem about horses. The last bit is a quote but I made up the rest. It goes, ‘To ride a horse is to ride the sky.”

There you have it, Leona Lewis has a tattoo which we now have to assume is going to be the theme for her next album all about the four legged creatures. From ballads about mucking the bastards out to frolicking with them on a summer’s day, it’s going to be an exciting release. The cover art could even focus on her in the blacksmiths being all sweaty – you know for sex appeal. If that’s your thing.

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