You know who's an effing big country? Russia. You know who wants to become exactly one North Pole bigger? Russia.

They likely want the entire North Pole because it's said to house over 300 generations of their royal bloodline. That's right – from King Vladamir who founded communism in the year of our Lord 11 BC, to King Slobodan who made Russia's largest Ukrainian baby-skull bong in the 1960s, they're all buried in a wondrous hall beneath the North Pole's frozen crust.

That's why Russia's been planting flags and what-not trying to firmly stake their northern claim. And you know who the former reds are trying to get help them steal the top of the world? The king of the world – Leonardo DiCaprio. DiCaprio is an unwilling participant in the whole commie land-grab thing – in fact he may be unaware of it all together. Allegedly they used ice-filled film footage from Titanic to prove Russia was on location.

Couldn't they have just brought a camcorder to the gulags?

Leonardo DiCaprio has the basic skull structure of Joseph Stalin. We've also heard the actor has a hammer and sickle shaped birthmark, and often refers to himself as the needed fibre in communism's diet. Hey – we said that's what we heard.

Leo's got many other similarities with ol' Joe Stalin too. For instance, both had great affinity for one colour or another – Stalin like red while DiCapi-dappi-ding-dong prefers green. Both have global reformation in mind – Stalin by way of the issuance of government sponsored cheese or something and DiCaprio with the raw power of emotion that only a movie can bring.

That's where the alleged similarities end though. Aside from those two things the two aforementioned people are different as night and day. But that sho' don't matter to Russia – they're gonna use his movie clips to cement their weird claim to the North Pole. According to the Telegraph:

"Russia faces embarrassment over its flag planting expedition to the North Pole after claims that state broadcasters borrowed scenes from the movie Titanic to "beef-up" footage. Television company Rossiya sent images of mini submarines descending to the ocean floor around the world in its report about the mission. But a 13-year-old boy from Finland spotted the scenes in the national daily newspaper Ilta-Sanomat, and realised that they resembled images on his Titanic DVD."

The sleuth-ish boy from Finland then said:

"I checked it with my DVD and there it was right there in the beginning of the movie: exactly the same image of the submersibles approaching the ship."

So Russia stole from Hollywood. Makes you wonder what else they've stolen. You know that footage of their Schwarzenegger-like cosmonaut who had to hilariously teach kindergarden? Was that stolen? And what about that shot of their lady-communist dancing so sensually with Patrick Swayze… was that pinched too?

Communism – you almost had us.

Read More:

Revealed: why those Russian submarine heroics might have looked a little familiar – Guardian Unlimited