What’s up, Bay Z? Oh, sorry, Michael Bay Z. Let’s keep this thing formal. I got your email about working on a plot synopsis for your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.
I brainstormed really hard, took a few minutes and whipped one up. It’s an honor to take something that so many people like and change it almost entirely. Were gonna blow people’s minds with this one.
I tried to give it some of that Michael Bay flavor. Hope you like it!
Okay, so we start off in space in a space airplane, or whatever they’re called. Some scientist, played by a guy from that HBO show where the people talk to each other, is checking out his box of turtles and rats. There’s other scientists there, but they’re not from HBO shows so they’ll get lines like “Haha, yeah” and “All systems go” and “Space, man.” This main scientist will be really into his animals and he’ll hint at them being tested for life in space, probably subtly, with a line like “I wonder how these turtles and rats will do in space?”
Suddenly, boom, they get hit by a satellite. This causes everything to go nuts and the HBO guy dies from a head wound or something. The box holding the turtles and rats breaks and they’re crawling around on the floor.
CUT TO PRESENT DAY.
It’s in the middle of New York, but this is movie New York, not real New York, so everything will be made of dreams and classy dirtiness and not piss and piss dirtiness. A meteor crashes in the middle of the thing and it goes all the way down into the sewers.
CUT TO MEGAN FOX
Okay, so Megan Fox is the leader of this big corporation. We’ll call it MEGAN FOX CORP for now. She runs a lot of stuff, like businesses and technologies and everything, and so the establishing scene with her will feature her saying stuff like “Greed is good” and “Stocks? Where we’re going, we won’t need stocks.”
She runs her business with an iron fist, but she gets really intrigued when people start researching this meteor that just hit, because they found a metal sample off of it. Also, she’s really into Asian stuff, like a Steven Seagal level of interest in it, and her dad died a long time ago. That’ll come into play later, since this is a movie.
CUT TO SEWERS
We get introduced to the Turtles through this. They got mutated by the space whatevers and now they’re all into making jokes and shit. They don’t know karate yet, because this movie has to have at least something going on in it, so they’ll learn it later. The turtles are played by Channing Tatum (Leonardo), Karl Urban (Michelangelo), Guy That Looks Like Karl Urban (Donatello), Guy From Star Trek (Other Turtle). They all have distinct personalities. Leonardo is a bummer. Donatello is fat. Michelangelo is less fat, but sorta fat. And Other Turtle is funny. But funny in the way that a human turtle would be. He’ll go in his shell when he’s scared and he’ll wonder where a turtle’s penis is. (Where is it?)
Oh, and the last member, played by Chow Yun Fat is Splinter, the rat. He already knows fighting and he’s trying to teach the turtles how to flip kick. But they’re too lazy to learn a lot. They just kind of make jokes at his expense about his smelly wet fur and he’ll grumble about them being young.
So, we get a lot of montages that deal with the turtles adjusting to New York sewer life. They discover a discarded box of New York pizza and talk about how great New York pizza is. Also, Karl Urban says “Cowabunga!” once and it sticks.
Also, this reporter, played by the actress who was on The CW show Vampire Chronicles, investigates the mystery behind the meteor and meets the turtles. She’s not terrified of these human-sized turtles and says her name is April. They become fast friends and Other Turtle hits on her. She thinks he’s goofy but seems kind of into Channing Tatum. Love is rough, sometimes. I wish my ex-wife would call ME back. I would love to show her that I’ve changed. Because I have.
CUT TO SHREDDER
Shredder is played by former WWE wrestler, Dave Bautista. He knows a lot of fighting moves and can slam people really well. When he and his ninjas break into the turtle’s hideout, he beats them up and hits them with his Batman armor wrist things. He also wears a mask. Later, we learn that he’s in cahoots with Megan Fox, though Megan Fox seems apprehensive about all of it. (Also part of the plot.)
Turns out that April is investigating a link between the meteor and MEGAN FOX CORP. Her and the turtles sneak into MEGAN FOX TOWER and end up fighting ninjas and stealing weapons. Also, Splinter gets injured and it forces the turtles to get their shit together and learn how to swing a damn sword. They have a long montage, set to a remix of that song “Clique” and soon they’re ready to fight and avenge Splinter.
Oh shit. I forgot. Some of the plot is based around Megan Fox’s father dying in that space airplane. Or maybe dying some way else. He was involved with it. I haven’t decided how yet, but I should by the end of this plot.
So, we get scenes of dysfunction between Megan Fox and Shredder and the turtles bust into MEGAN FOX’S TECHNODROME. This doesn’t look like the giant orb from the cartoon. Instead, we’re gonna Chris Nolan this mother and make it gritty and realistic. It’ll just be a military building looking thing. They fight ninjas and robots and Baxter Stockman is there. I don’t know who that is but I looked on Wikipedia for “ninja turtles” and adding cameos and names of characters that are recognizable, but have nothing to do with anything, will make the nerds happy.
Okay, so the turtles fight Bautista, and kill him. They don’t do this violently, so either a single stab wound or an accidental electric shock will work. They then see Megan Fox, who might kill Bautista too. I’m not sure which of these is more dramatic, but I think we should use the one that best fits the dubstep song that’ll be playing at this point.
Okay, so, you know how feminists got mad because you made Megan Fox look sexy and exploited her and short shorts and stuff in Transformers? Well, we’ll fix that because it turns out that MEGAN FOX IS ACTUALLY THE REAL SHREDDER. Her Dad got killed in something involving that space airplane wreck and now she wants to kill the turtles for revenge! And, she’ll dress in this bra with metal armor and tight pants and a sexy mask and have bracelets with knives attached to it, and you’ll see her cleavage and belly button. Trust me, it’ll be hot. And women will shut up, because look, she’s a main character now and she gets to do spin kicks.
So she beats up the turtles but it looks like she dies when the Technodrome explodes. The turtles leave and we get a scene that is like the one in the The Avengers where the turtles are silently eating pizza in a ruined place. People will laugh because they’ve seen something like it and that something was already kinda funny, so this will double that funny.
Megan Fox’s eyes open.
ROLL CREDITS – REMIX OF “TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES THEME,” FOLLOWED BY REMIX OF “NINJA RAP” by Vanilla Ice.
How do you like it, Michael? I think it’s pretty perfect as it is. Let me know what you think, ASAP. Later, man. I’m off to shoot myself in the goddamn head for what my life has become.