Leaked Email Regarding Michael Bay’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Film

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

What’s up, Bay Z? Oh, sorry, Michael Bay Z. Let’s keep this thing formal. I got your email about working on a plot synopsis for your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie.

I brainstormed really hard, took a few minutes and whipped one up. It’s an honor to take something that so many people like and change it almost entirely. Were gonna blow people’s minds with this one.

I tried to give it some of that Michael Bay flavor. Hope you like it!

Okay, so we start off in space in a space airplane, or whatever they’re called. Some scientist, played by a guy from that HBO show where the people talk to each other, is checking out his box of turtles and rats. There’s other scientists there, but they’re not from HBO shows so they’ll get lines like “Haha, yeah” and “All systems go” and “Space, man.” This main scientist will be really into his animals and he’ll hint at them being tested for life in space, probably subtly, with a line like “I wonder how these turtles and rats will do in space?”

Suddenly, boom, they get hit by a satellite. This causes everything to go nuts and the HBO guy dies from a head wound or something. The box holding the turtles and rats breaks and they’re crawling around on the floor.

CUT TO PRESENT DAY.

It’s in the middle of New York, but this is movie New York, not real New York, so everything will be made of dreams and classy dirtiness and not piss and piss dirtiness. A meteor crashes in the middle of the thing and it goes all the way down into the sewers.

CUT TO MEGAN FOX

Okay, so Megan Fox is the leader of this big corporation. We’ll call it MEGAN FOX CORP for now. She runs a lot of stuff, like businesses and technologies and everything, and so the establishing scene with her will feature her saying stuff like “Greed is good” and “Stocks? Where we’re going, we won’t need stocks.”

Actress Megan Fox

She runs her business with an iron fist, but she gets really intrigued when people start researching this meteor that just hit, because they found a metal sample off of it. Also, she’s really into Asian stuff, like a Steven Seagal level of interest in it, and her dad died a long time ago. That’ll come into play later, since this is a movie.

CUT TO SEWERS

We get introduced to the Turtles through this. They got mutated by the space whatevers and now they’re all into making jokes and shit. They don’t know karate yet, because this movie has to have at least something going on in it, so they’ll learn it later. The turtles are played by Channing Tatum (Leonardo), Karl Urban (Michelangelo), Guy That Looks Like Karl Urban (Donatello), Guy From Star Trek (Other Turtle). They all have distinct personalities. Leonardo is a bummer. Donatello is fat. Michelangelo is less fat, but sorta fat. And Other Turtle is funny. But funny in the way that a human turtle would be. He’ll go in his shell when he’s scared and he’ll wonder where a turtle’s penis is. (Where is it?)

Oh, and the last member, played by Chow Yun Fat is Splinter, the rat. He already knows fighting and he’s trying to teach the turtles how to flip kick. But they’re too lazy to learn a lot. They just kind of make jokes at his expense about his smelly wet fur and he’ll grumble about them being young.

So, we get a lot of montages that deal with the turtles adjusting to New York sewer life. They discover a discarded box of New York pizza and talk about how great New York pizza is. Also, Karl Urban says “Cowabunga!” once and it sticks.

Also, this reporter, played by the actress who was on The CW show Vampire Chronicles, investigates the mystery behind the meteor and meets the turtles. She’s not terrified of these human-sized turtles and says her name is April. They become fast friends and Other Turtle hits on her. She thinks he’s goofy but seems kind of into Channing Tatum. Love is rough, sometimes. I wish my ex-wife would call ME back. I would love to show her that I’ve changed. Because I have.

CUT TO SHREDDER

Shredder is played by former WWE wrestler, Dave Bautista. He knows a lot of fighting moves and can slam people really well. When he and his ninjas break into the turtle’s hideout, he beats them up and hits them with his Batman armor wrist things. He also wears a mask. Later, we learn that he’s in cahoots with Megan Fox, though Megan Fox seems apprehensive about all of it. (Also part of the plot.)

Shredder from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

This, except more 2000’s-ey.

Turns out that April is investigating a link between the meteor and MEGAN FOX CORP. Her and the turtles sneak into MEGAN FOX TOWER and end up fighting ninjas and stealing weapons. Also, Splinter gets injured and it forces the turtles to get their shit together and learn how to swing a damn sword.  They have a long montage, set to a remix of that song “Clique” and soon they’re ready to fight and avenge Splinter.

Oh shit. I forgot. Some of the plot is based around Megan Fox’s father dying in that space airplane. Or maybe dying some way else. He was involved with it. I haven’t decided how yet, but I should by the end of this plot.

So, we get scenes of dysfunction between Megan Fox and Shredder and the turtles bust into MEGAN FOX’S TECHNODROME. This doesn’t look like the giant orb from the cartoon. Instead, we’re gonna Chris Nolan this mother and make it gritty and realistic. It’ll just be a military building looking thing. They fight ninjas and robots and Baxter Stockman is there. I don’t know who that is but I looked on Wikipedia for “ninja turtles” and adding cameos and names of characters that are recognizable, but have nothing to do with anything, will make the nerds happy.

Okay, so the turtles fight Bautista, and kill him. They don’t do this violently, so either a single stab wound or an accidental electric shock will work. They then see Megan Fox, who might kill Bautista too. I’m not sure which of these is more dramatic, but I think we should use the one that best fits the dubstep song that’ll be playing at this point.

Okay, so, you know how feminists got mad because you made Megan Fox look sexy and exploited her and short shorts and stuff in Transformers? Well, we’ll fix that because it turns out that MEGAN FOX IS ACTUALLY THE REAL SHREDDER. Her Dad got killed in something involving that space airplane wreck and now she wants to kill the turtles for revenge! And, she’ll dress in this bra with metal armor and tight pants and a sexy mask and have bracelets with knives attached to it, and you’ll see her cleavage and belly button. Trust me, it’ll be hot. And women will shut up, because look, she’s a main character now and she gets to do spin kicks.

So she beats up the turtles but it looks like she dies when the Technodrome explodes. The turtles leave and we get a scene that is like the one in the The Avengers where the turtles are silently eating pizza in a ruined place. People will laugh because they’ve seen something like it and that something was already kinda funny, so this will double that funny.

The Avengers eating.

For reference.

Megan Fox’s eyes open.

ROLL CREDITS – REMIX OF “TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES THEME,” FOLLOWED BY REMIX OF “NINJA RAP” by Vanilla Ice.

How do you like it, Michael? I think it’s pretty perfect as it is. Let me know what you think, ASAP. Later, man. I’m off to shoot myself in the goddamn head for what my life has become.

-Daniel

 

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Comments

  1. Timmie says

    Daniel that is a pretty good movie plot but I think it is missing Krang as portrayed by Verne Troyer and Bebop (played by Andy Dick) And Rocksteady (Played by Conan O’Brien)

  2. Work says

    This sucks so bad…please don’t do it like this…I love that the technodrome is in the movie…but…this guy doesn’t even know “the other turtle” name…It shows the interest he has had in the films. He didn’t know who Baxter Stockman was until he “googled it”. Megan Fox being shredder? C’mon Man…that’s ridiculous…Michael Bay…please be delicate with this one. I loved Transformers, maybe because I wasn’t a fan growing up (I was watching TMNT @ 430pm) The turtles are my favorite. My mom, my brother and I use to say “say hello to the turtle” when we flushed bugs down the toilet…lol… A lot of people are depending on you to “take us back to the old days”…

  3. Brandon says

    Don’t worry it’s micheal bay we’re talking about here, he won’t do anything this bad.
    He’ll make something ten times worse!

  4. Chris says

    April as Shredder? Not knowing all turtles names? I hope this a joke. Most kids nowadays don’t really know the ninja turtles that well. Most of the real fans are guys around the age of 25-30. Like me. If your going to change it, change it more to fit us. Sure I’d love to take my son to watch childish PG version. How cool would be to see a more badass, dark, realistic version. I want to see Leonardo chopping off heads, Raph putting a si thru somebody’s chest, Mikey and Donatello breaking bones and crushing skulls. If there’s no bebop, rocksteady, shredder, kraang there’s no point of doing this. I’d really like to see Slash. April O’Neil can’t be shredder. She’s a REPORTER! You can’t change that. Make her an underground viral reporter with a back story of being raped by the foot or something, so she dedicates to exposing them and trains to be a badass. Give he a super sexy version of the yellow jumpsuit. That’s a must. If you really want to put a twist on her character. Give her a ass kicking alter ego of Casey Jones and make them one character.

  5. Zach says

    Im pretty sure this is a joke…. Then again: it’s Michael Bay.
    If this is real (which again…Bay) then thank you for ruining my childhood.

    Why doesnt warner bros realize that it would be a miracle for Michael Bay NOT to put a major black eye on this franchise??? (exclude every remake made for younger generations)

  6. Work says

    I like your version a lot better. But, instead of making April a Casey Jones…they should put him on the film. If you don’t have the Turtles, Splinter, Shredder, Bebop, Rocksteady, & Kraang…then there are no turtles. I am totally against them being from outer space…they we mutated in a sewer in NY duh!!…But I like your version of making April a fighter…but we (“the 25-30 group”) need to have Casey Jones…I hope Bay take our thoughts into some kind of consideration. Get Nolan to help and try to worry about the reviews before the movie comes out. Hey, we are giving it to them for free and we are the same ones who are going to pay to watch it…now that’s a deal.

    P.S. It has to be a dark film if Nolan is involved. I’m excited about him being apart of Superman…

  7. CJ says

    It’s obvious that it’s a joke. I don’t understand why some people actually thought that it might be real. It’s really obvious that the guy who emailed it meant to be a joke.

  8. brandi says

    ummm dude you don’t know nothing about the turtles you didn’t even know the “other turtle’s name” his name is Raph duh i am so looking forward to the new movie and i do not believe this so called script Michael Bay is a great director and I am all for the new TMNT movie next time dude know what you are talking about or in this case typing about

  9. TurtleFan says

    This… is shit.
    Joke or not, shit is the mild way to describe it.
    It is not funny, it is not clever, it is bollocks.

    (oh btw, thought you should know a turtles penis is located in it’s tail under it’s plastron…)

  10. Work says

    You have to really establish that the foot soldiers and shredder were a TRUE ninja “mafia” in NY. And you got these 4 Turtles and there 2 human friends who accepted them (April & Casey…of course) coming to change things…….HOW will they?