Lady Gaga has dropped her new video for her crappy song “G.U.Y” and while I think it’s supposed to be artsy and deep in some weird way, it’s just completely obnoxious and ridiculous. It’s also WAY too long and comes off more like a super drawn out commercial for Bravo and ecstasy than a music video.
To save you from wasting precious time that could have been spent mulling over important matters like Justin Bieber’s ugly ass new tattoos or the fact that Amanda Bynes is kind of hot again, I have decided to outline the whole kit and caboodle for you. I accept thanks in the form of booze and chocolate.
First off, who really even bothers with music videos anymore? It seems the only time you watch them is when you go on YouTube or happen to be awake at 6 am. So to not only make one, but spend a shit ton of money on one is pretty stupid. But Lady Gaga isn’t really one known for her smart decision making skills all the time, so it’s not totally crazy for her to do this.
So we start off with Gaga as some weird bird-lady thing with no eyebrows that was shot down from the sky by a bunch of dudes in the desert. She then manages to dramatically drag herself to some big ass mansion where a bunch of dudes are dressed in Kanye’s 2014 line of leather ponchos. No reason one cannot be protected from the rain and sun while still looking bitching and Vogue worthy. Screw practicality.
So these BDSM clad men carry Gaga through the backyard, where she passes a ton more people looking like the fan club of 50 Shades of Grey, all angrily dancing and slapping their own asses. Then a little bit of that deep shit starts to appear when she then enters a new part of the yard where suddenly everyone is happy and smiley. Oh, and they are all in white. Gaga is obviously trying to tell us that white = happy and safe, but black = mouth balls and pissy. Racist bitch.
The group of vanilla crackers then put the most obnoxious hat on Gaga that looks very much so like the shit they make brides to be wear at their lame shower. You know, the kind made out of the trash that used to be the wrapping on their Bed Bath & Beyond overpriced fine china they will never use? They then wrap Gaga up like a corpse and give her to a bunch of racist nuns in the pool, who proceed to drown the bitch.
Then shit gets weird. Suddenly, the bitches from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills appear, and I think are supposed to be playing instruments, but their acting skills are about as good as Kim’s ability to stay sober. It seems Gaga has died and gone to heaven, and her version of the pearly white gates look a lot like a Wednesday night on Bravo. Also, Andy Cohen is God with a big creepy head that eerily reminds me of a gay Wizard of Oz.
At about 3 and a half minutes, Gaga’s eyebrows make their return! It’s a miracle! She also reincarnates and becomes Donatella Versace, without the skin cancer. At this point, if Johnny Weir is watching, he needs to be calling his lawyer because bitch has obviously been pulling a Lohan and stealing shit out of his closet. Gaga then becomes some sort of weird mad scientist who brings back to life some pretty awesome dudes so she can create the perfect man. And when you think of the perfect guy, it is pretty obvious you need Gandhi, Jesus Christ, and Michael Jackson?? Because Michael Jackson definitely melts my butter.
So Gaga takes their zombie blood and makes a shit ton of men in suits who then take over cities. Those Real Housewives bitches are back, but suddenly they go from heavenly Milli Vanillis to ruthless assassins who murder all the already existing bad men. Funny enough, they suddenly become less shitty actors here. Freudian slip of their true desires? Gaga also touches her crotch a lot and does some So You Think You Can Dance? sexual movement with a piece of delicious hot cocoa.
At 7 and a half minutes, the camera pans back and you just see thousands, upon thousands, of these Son of God/Hindu/Moonwalker hybrids. And then credits. For 4 minutes. And I, like the dumbass sucker for punishment that I am, watched the whole thing until the end because I just had to make sure there wasn’t more. I didn’t want to be that asshole who leaves a movie theater the second the first name appears because he just has to beat the crowd out to his Prius, and ends up missing the hysterical clip when that take the movie from a C to a solid A-.
So, in case my way too long re-telling of Lady Gaga’s video wasn’t good enough for you, or maybe you still want to watch this shit anyway, here is her video.