Lady Gaga has just released the long-awaited video to Telephone, her new single. But so bloody what, eh?
You won’t watch it. You won’t watch Lady Gaga and Beyonce singing about how much they like telephones, because the video is nine and a half minutes long. Nine and a bloody half poxy minutes long! You’re busy people – you couldn’t possibly sit in one place doing one thing for nine and a half minutes, even if that thing was watching a video of Lady Gaga and Beyonce banging on about a lovely telephone. Your life is far too short.
So here’s what we’ll do. We’ll watch the Lady Gaga and Beyonce Telephone video for you, and then show you the ten best bits from it after the jump. Honestly, the things we do for you people sometimes.
Just in case you do have nine and a half minutes spare – maybe because you’re unemployed or recently bereaved – we’ll show you the full Lady Gaga/ Beyonce Telephone video first. You don’t have to watch it – we can’t overemphasise that enough – but it’s here if you want it…
Wow! That was nine and a half minutes of awesomeness, wasn’t it? It’s OK, you don’t have to answer that – we know you’re too busy to spend almost ten minutes watching a woman with funny eyebrows goon about in her knickers. But, just in case you’re ever drawn into a conversation about it and you don’t want to look like a clueless idiot, allow us to present to you the ten best bits from the Lady Gaga/ Beyonce Telephone video…
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 1 – 1:29
Lady Gaga, there, sporting a pair of sunglasses made of lit cigarettes. She’s a zany one, that’s for sure!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 2 – 1:56
Lady Gaga getting off with Christian Slater. Or a lesbian. Oh, it’s so hard to tell these days.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 3 – 2:09
Wow! Hey kids, Lady Gaga uses VIRGIN MOBILE! Because if there’s one thing that Lady Gaga loves more than generating heaps of controversy, it’s GREAT mobile coverage at a LOW LOW PRICE! Honestly, there’s nothing GAGA about wanting a cost-effective mobile phone contract!!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 4 – 3:34
That’s right Madonna, TWO THUMBS UP for Virgin Mobile’s outstanding value and wonderful quality of service to both new and existing customers! We agree!!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 5 – 4:16
Alright Lady Gaga, give it a sodding rest already. We get it, you like Virgin Mobile. Jesus.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 6 – 4:56
Here’s Beyonce, eating a sandwich in an angry way. She probably knows that Lady Gaga has overdone the Virgin Mobile product placement, and if she doesn’t do something to change the subject pretty quickly then Richard Branson will be on the phone, shouting and howling at them both like some kind of bearded Edmondsesque banshee. But what on Earth can Beyonce do to stop people thinking about Virgin Mobile?
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 7 – 5:59
Oh. Right. Should have seen that coming, really.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 8 – 6:20
What’s that, Lady Gaga? Virgin Mobile’s network is so strong and reliable that it even allows you to take part in crystal clear conversations if you’ve only got a lettuce or, as demonstrated by the man on the far left, two nice baguettes? That’s amazing! Virgin Mobile really must have one of the world’s finest networks. Coupled with its competitive array of tariffs, that surely puts Virgin Mobile leaps and bounds ahead of all the other mobile networks!
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 9 – 7:31
Oops! Beyonce has remembered that this is supposed to be a music video and not just one big long heavy-handed advert for a specific mobile network. But don’t worry, if she and Lady Gaga both dress up in a couple of ludicrous outfits and dick around like a pair of 12-year-olds at a sleepover at the end of the video, then people will forget all about the shameless huckstering they’ve just witnessed and simply get on with their day.
LADY GAGA/ BEYONCE TELEPHONE VIDEO BEST BIT 10 – 9:01
Job well done, girls. Job well done.
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Lauraine says
HARSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! y do u care wat she does! stop being so critical of her…..!!!!!!!!
C.Ecker says
NOT HARSH ENOUGH! It’s not just that I don’t get her — Gaga is a hack that uses a combination of nudity, outrageous outfits and rude behavior to pollute media with garbage and pollute young minds with wrong ideas about social norms. Its a disgusting and disturbing comment on our society that people defend her, and even more disturbing that some like her music and behavior.
tuncay says
Lady Gaga was a great song very nice clip