If the country suddenly caught fire – which, let's face it, is looking more and more likely with each new day – we suspect that the two things the British public would want to run back and save the most are Doctor Who and Kylie Minogue.
Doctor Who and Kylie Minogue, you see, are national treasures, like Princess Diana and stroppy bus drivers – so imagine the vortex of joy that would be created if Kylie Minogue and Doctor Who teamed up. Now imagine if Kylie Minogue and Doctor Who teamed up on Christmas Day teatime, when the country is packed so full of food and booze that it can only show its appreciation by rocking backwards and forwards on its back and howling like a walrus. Now stop imagining all that because a) it's a slightly disturbing mental image and b) Kylie Minogue and Doctor Who really are teaming up for Christmas. And if we liked either Doctor Who or Kylie Minogue we're sure we'd be thrilled.
Doctor Who is the nearest thing Britain has to a universally-loved TV show at the moment – everyone from geeks to gays to kids love to tune in every Saturday teatime and watch the spacey exploits of the Doctor in a universe of slightly cheap-looking computer animation. And let's not forget that Doctor Who begat Torchwood, the Baywatch Nights of ridiculous immortal Wales-based sexy Doctor Who spin-offs. And Doctor Who has been in The Beano. And Doctor Who wins awards all over the place. Which, you have to admit, isn't bad for a TV show about the universe's most annoying man gooning around and doing the universe's worst impression of a local radio DJ.
But now Doctor Who may have met his match in his co-star for this year's Christmas special – it's Kylie Minogue, a billing that's really caught the imagination of anyone who's never sat with their sphincter clenched in embarrassment throughout the entire duration of Kylie's Street Fighter movie. Or Bio-Dome. Or The Delinquents. But, hey, at least Kylie Minogue got a very efficient robot to give her Doctor Who statement, as Reuters reports:
The BBC said Minogue, 39, would play a "major lead role" alongside Dr Who actor David Tennant. The hour-long episode, "Voyage of the Damned", will start filming in Cardiff, Wales, in July. "It is an incredible thrill to be joining David and the entire Dr Who production for this year's Christmas special," said Minogue. "Dr Who enjoys a unique history and it is going to be very exciting to be a part of that."
Appearing on Doctor Who would be another strong sign of a comeback for Kylie, obviously. Ever since her moving post-Cancer interview, Kylie Minogue has slowly been reminding the world of who she is again, via the magic of opportunistic children's books and wearing clothes sometimes. Until her new album is released, larking about on the Christmas Doctor Who will be the best way for Kylie Minogue to remind everyone what a beloved cultural icon she is. Or, at the very least, Kylie's drum-tight facial skin will provide the nation with an opportunity to discuss how much work they think she's had done on it. Still, one thing's for sure – Kylie Minogue could mess up her Doctor Who appearance beyond repair and she'd still be better than Catherine Tate was last year.
In other news, Dannii Minogue has signed up for the Christmas TV special of Manimal. As Manimal.