Kylie & Jason Go On X Factor Together

Remember when this series of X Factor started and everyone said that the final this year would be an orgy of megastardom, topped off with the triumphant live return of Michael Jackson?

Things haven't quite worked out that way. Instead, the special celebrity guests set to appear on Saturday's X Factor final are Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan - a woman with an underperforming album and a man most recently seen on TV advertising prawn rings with Kerry Katona during I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. We're going to have to invest in some lead-lined sunglasses before Saturday's X Factor final, in case the incandescent star wattage of two people who recorded an ironic Christmas power ballad together 19 years ago burns our eyeballs into raisins.

Don't tell anyone, but this season of X Factor has been rubbish. Not rubbish in your typical 'Oooh, reality TV shows are destroying the credibility of real music' way, but rubbish because at various points during this year's X Factor we've found ourselves getting nostalgic for the days of Chico. Chico, for Christ's sake! People have killed themselves for having less disturbing thoughts than that.

The problems with this year's X Factor are obvious - the four-judge dynamic doesn't work, Brian Friedman's over-the-top routines take the onus off the singing, someone's replaced Louis Walsh's hair with a disappointing cloud, the X Factor theme nights have been so hopelessly generic that someone could have sung I Will Always Love You every week and technically got away with it - but two problems outweigh the rest by a mile.

One of these is the quality of the X Factor contestants. The winner of X Factor should prove to the globe that Britain is capable of producing world-beaters - dim but attractive puppets who seem almost genetically engineered to sell millions of records to screaming teenagers. Leona Lewis is doing it right now and even Shayne Ward managed it for a while. But this year the likely winner of X Factor is Rhydian, a Christian Welsh virgin who'll sell millions of records, but only to your gran.

The second problem is the standard of X Factor guest. Where last year there was a generally well-known celebrity guest each week like Rod Stewart and Barry Manilow, Take That and one of Abba and Tony Bennett, this year we've had Celine Dion, someone called Michael Buble, a couple of old X Factor winners and - worst of all - Boyz II Men, a group that not a single person has even thought about thinking about for 15 years. But, hey, the X Factor production team must have been saving the massive names for Saturday's final, right?

Not exactly. It's been reported that for Saturday's X Factor final, the superstar special guests will be Kylie Minogue and Jason Donovan. You know, from Neighbours. Apparently Jason Donovan will be singing with creepy would-be children's TV hosts Same Difference while Kylie Minogue will perform with Leon Jackson. As for Rhydian, he'll do a duet with Katherine Jenkins, who we've failed to mention up until this point because we've just thrown out a mouldy loaf of bread with more charismatic star quality than her. A source told The Mirror:

"Each act will do three songs including one with their star act. Leon performing with Kylie is sure to bring in a strong gay vote."

Come on, is this really the best that X Factor can do? Jason Donovan hasn't had a top-ten hit for 16 years, Katherine Jenkins hasn't ever had a top-ten hit and Kylie Minogue?

Well, at least Dannii's done something to earn her money for once.

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Kylie & Jason On X Factor - Mirror