Kurt Cobain’s Remains Toddle Off For A Jolly Summer Holiday

When we found out that Kurt Cobain’s remains had been nicked, we immediately jumped to one conclusion - that his husky ex-wife Courtney Love had to be involved.

Surely you can imagine her grave robbing at 3am whilst the rain lashes down? With a cigarette firmly shoved in her cakehole, she’ll scream to any passing squirrels “he’s mine all mine, they blamed me for his death. But they’re wrong! I’ll take him back where he belongs”. You can’t? Oh, shame on you.

We can, and yet our theory of Courtney Love scurrying off in the dead of the night to stuff and mount her dead husband was quickly shit on. It turns out that during a robbery in her LA home, the ashes of grunge’s only credible frontman were nicked. And some clothes and jewellery, lets not forget the small details. Maybe it was Dave Grohl being bonkers as usual and wanting to impersonate her. Drummers, mental aren’t they?

The NME had always reported that the location of Kurt Cobain’s ashes was a highly guarded secret, perhaps locked in a hidden vault five miles below the earth’s surface in Russia. Nope - turns out they were in Courney Love’s house all along. Emphasis on the ‘were’. The ever reliable News of the World reported:

She had kept the singer’s ashes in a pink teddy-bear-shaped bag along with a lock of his hair. But a couple of weeks ago, she was horrified to discover them gone, along with thousands of pounds worth of clothes and jewellery. Courtney said: “I can’t believe anyone would take Kurt’s ashes from me.”I find it disgusting and right now I’m suicidal. If I don’t get them back I don’t know what I’ll do.”

So what’s basically happened is a shit for brains burglar has got more then he’s bargained for. Yup he/she might have gotten a few extra dollars after the robbery, but now they’ve got a funny magic powder on their hands.

Not that we encourage the consumption of the dead, but maybe trying a bit will bring the spirit of Kurt Cobain back into our lives! Who wouldn’t want a constantly depressed man grumbling about life all the time?

On seconds thought, screw that. We’re happy wearing our trendy zombie shoes that he brought out. It makes us feel cooler inside anyway.