3) Wash yourself proficiently. 4) Have a bucketload of red-hot simulated sex with Kristen Stewart. All of these are completely true but, for the purposes of this story, the last one is the most relevant. You see, in a bid to prove that she’s more than just a glower and a series of miffed exhalations, Kristen Stewart has decided to star in On The Road, a film where she gets to have sex with all sorts of men, presumably while on some sort of road.
And this has irked Robert Pattinson. According to some reports, it has irked him to the point where he’s decided to hang out on set during the shoot and stare at Kristen Stewart’s genitals to make sure that nothing goes in. Or something. Either way, ugh.
Something that Twilight has probably obscured is that Kristen Stewart is actually a very good actress. You might think that the extent of her acting ability is playing a sullen-looking, noisy-breathing schoolgirl, but that’s not actually the case. In The Runaways, for example, Kristen Stewart played a sullen, noisy-breathing rock singer, and in Welcome To The Rileys she played a sullen-looking, noisy-breathing… oh a schoolgirl again. Never mind. That’s two different things that she can play.
And now Kristen Stewart is set to play Mary Lou in a sure to be not terrible at all remake of Jack Kerouac‘s On The Road. As you will all know, Mary Lou spends much of the book shagging men. Several men. In cars, in beds, while other people watch. And, while we’re sure that Kristen Stewart will bring her own special sullen-looking, noisy-breathing talents to the role, the fact that she’s starring in such a sexually adventurous film at all apparently hasn’t made Robert Pattinson very happy. FemaleFirst reports:
The actor is believed to be so concerned that he is reportedly going to spend his time on set to make sure that everything is above board. A source said: “Rob plans on being on the set of On the Road, not because he has a role in the drama, but because Kristen has a real risque part! There are a lot of sex scenes including a threesome, and Rob wants to make sure that it’s all pretend from the start and finish of the film.”
If you ask us, Robert Pattinson needs to calm down. Kristen Stewart probably won’t end up having any real sex with any of her co-stars, and even if she does, so what? There are millions of willing females who’d only be too happy to take Kristen’s place in his affections. Admittedly they’re all crying, mascara-stained overweight 14-year-old girls with unusually weak bladders, but beggars can’t be choosers, can they?