Kristen Stewart’s Vagina Makes Robert Pattinson Jealous

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How to make Robert Pattinson jealous: 1) Have more than one facial expression. 2) Be able to brush your own hair.

3) Wash yourself proficiently. 4) Have a bucketload of red-hot simulated sex with Kristen Stewart. All of these are completely true but, for the purposes of this story, the last one is the most relevant. You see, in a bid to prove that she’s more than just a glower and a series of miffed exhalations, Kristen Stewart has decided to star in On The Road, a film where she gets to have sex with all sorts of men, presumably while on some sort of road.

And this has irked Robert Pattinson. According to some reports, it has irked him to the point where he’s decided to hang out on set during the shoot and stare at Kristen Stewart’s genitals to make sure that nothing goes in. Or something. Either way, ugh.

Something that Twilight has probably obscured is that Kristen Stewart is actually a very good actress. You might think that the extent of her acting ability is playing a sullen-looking, noisy-breathing schoolgirl, but that’s not actually the case. In The Runaways, for example, Kristen Stewart played a sullen, noisy-breathing rock singer, and in Welcome To The Rileys she played a sullen-looking, noisy-breathing… oh a schoolgirl again. Never mind. That’s two different things that she can play.

And now Kristen Stewart is set to play Mary Lou in a sure to be not terrible at all remake of Jack Kerouac‘s On The Road. As you will all know, Mary Lou spends much of the book shagging men. Several men. In cars, in beds, while other people watch. And, while we’re sure that Kristen Stewart will bring her own special sullen-looking, noisy-breathing talents to the role, the fact that she’s starring in such a sexually adventurous film at all apparently hasn’t made Robert Pattinson very happy. FemaleFirst reports:

The actor is believed to be so concerned that he is reportedly going to spend his time on set to make sure that everything is above board. A source said: “Rob plans on being on the set of On the Road, not because he has a role in the drama, but because Kristen has a real risque part! There are a lot of sex scenes including a threesome, and Rob wants to make sure that it’s all pretend from the start and finish of the film.”

If you ask us, Robert Pattinson needs to calm down. Kristen Stewart probably won’t end up having any real sex with any of her co-stars, and even if she does, so what? There are millions of willing females who’d only be too happy to take Kristen’s place in his affections. Admittedly they’re all crying, mascara-stained overweight 14-year-old girls with unusually weak bladders, but beggars can’t be choosers, can they?

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Comments

  1. tessa says

    A remake of Kerouac’s On The Road? You are a moron…it has never been made into a film before now. Do some research at least if you’re going to post this crap.

  2. sammy says

    i dont get this, are you trying to humiliate them? or are you trying to get people to read your stupid article by putting the word Vagina on your title and writing about sex? seriously you disgust me and please next time you decide to write an article at least have more class and dont lower yourself to the poit of writing sexual content, just so that people read it. Also while your at it dont make fun of their fans who are the ones that read this and make your stupid blog intresting to even make me want to read it and live a comment.

  3. says

    dear fella you sound like the author of the blog and please spell words correctly when you reply. retarded is spelled wrong in your reply and is inappropriate, i’ll call you mentally challenged and low IQ mammal. Stop your bull shit lies and made up shit on this blog.

  4. Cookie Monster says

    The web site URL that rncrnp used was “http://aol/”. Does anything more need to be said? Nah.

    @tess… you may want to venture over to imdb.com and search for “on the road”. In the results, you will find this page http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1477139/. Maybe things done by the CBC don’t count…

  5. Laughter says

    Careful. The Twilight kiddies might freak and start glistening on you. Wait, considering the term vagina was used, this might not be a bad thing! :P

  6. spiderman20 says

    I hope Kristen hooks up with someone. It’s funny how all the whiny little Twitards and Robsessed don’t believe they are a couple anyway, so why do they care if Kristen starts a relationship with someone else. It would make her life much easier. She is an excellent actress and she’s already getting award buzz. Twitlight is almost over and it’s losing fans. The men will have a hard road to climb because they’ve been nothing but sex symbols in the series. Robert Pattinson seems like a stalker boyfriend. The way he stares at her is scary.

  7. Tim H. says

    I actually think Kristen Stewart is a very good up and coming actress. She has made alot of money off these vampire film’s and I hope the hell someone in her entourage convinces her to stop making them before they derail her promising career. These film’s remind me of what happened to Natalie Portman when she made the Star War’s films. Look at where she is today. Natalie was held hostage and now Kristen is being held hostage. Break out Kristen and dump this goofy guy why you still have a chance.

  8. Alex says

    Are you for real? Absolute BS. I’m sure Rob has no problem with Kristen’s sex scenes. Have you even read the book? Please get a new job.

  9. MaxRedd says

    Totally agreed. Kristen can do way better than that sparkly retard. He can’t act anyway. Those Robsten shippers need to grow up and see that she can do better. Can’t wait for Twilight to be over and she can dump that idiot.

  10. says

    By even posting my reply I may be deflating what I am about to write. This blog is obviously in poor taste and less than “journalism”. The only way to deflate this type of blogging is not responding to it at all. Have a good day legitimate bloggers

  11. femroc says

    Tom J – I’m no crazy – but the asshole that wrote this story sure is. How rude and disgusting your story is and it has NO basis or truth to it other than some lie Hollywoodlife started. People please don’t believe ANY of the crap from these horrible gossip sites and magazines – it is 100% bullshit.

  12. BakednKStewed says

    Very funny. Everyone will be happy when Breaking Dawn is wrapped and Rob can stop being connected to the pothead. It will be interesting to see how quickly their co-stars/friends with benefits deal goes south.

  13. Tom says

    I read the article because it had the word “vagina” in the title; but, yes, your right, it was pointless and a little gross.

  14. Rockafella Dyke says

    “Salty, no-holds-barred satirical celebrity news, gossip and reviews supplied daily from a team of people who really should know better.” READ THE BLURBS DOUCHE-BAGS so we don’t waste our time and breath trying to get the silver spoon out of your aRs to save your life! It’s Heckler Spray…”[Oh he said] VAGINA!” We all read the article because of the word ‘vagina,’ would you have preferred a non-Gray’s anatomical term – c # ^ t ?

  15. Nicole says

    Loosen up little girls.. lol. This is hilarious. Yeah the headline says VAGINA. VAGINA VAGINA VAGINA. Chill out.

  16. Hahahahahahaha says

    Oh how I love watching Twidiots get upset!!! Thank you for the post, just for the angry comments alone! You’d think they’d want them apart so they could imagine up a million silly daydreams about casually “running into”/stalking them both and falling in love and living out their own Twilight but no, apparently, if you add one Twilight loser and another, everyone gets upset at the idea of a Twilight loser break-up. Go figure.

  17. Dannyboy says

    Even KStew’s old boyfriend is going to have a better career than Pattinson. The guy can’t act. his fans are fat nutso moms whose husbands are cheating on them and teen girls with no self esteem. At least Lautner has his stunt work to fall back on. KStew should date someone cool. I think she’ll end up with a writer or director and end up doing some of his movies. She could also date a real musician. KStew is on the road to great things and Pattinson is doing nothing. The Edward Cullen backlash has already begun I’m with the rest of you. Craplight needs to end. Don’t worry if the craplighters hate you. That just means you have taste. KStew plays in the sh*t but she also plays good parts like Jett.

  18. Dr Fun says

    This was a very good article and to those who think “Vagina” is “gross” – maybe you should just get a penis.

  19. E! says

    My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

  20. steve says

    This is funny.
    you make a report, give it a vaguely tongue-in-cheek headline for it, and everyone goes absolutely fukkin* nuts! I saw this in the yahoo buzz channels and after talking to my friend about it, initially decided it wasn’t worth following up, but all these comments from the blogtards and people who take this far too seriously make this page of the site comedy gold!
    *Fukkin – is a deliberate mis-spelling on my part.

    So K-Stew and R-Patz are having an alleged falling out over the fact that they’re not quite in a relationship (again) after half splitting up last time (in the full glare of the media) despite being lusted upon by many people who swoon over them because they’re some darned vampire movie franchise/that’s only average at best. I’d say leave them alone, but reading about it is funny, and responding to this (despite being a bit of a waste of time) also fun. Brilliant non-story that is so over the top, talking about nothing of relevance to anyone, but made into an headline grabbing event.

    Genius!

  21. Kayley says

    haha i got a kick outta this! its funny but seriously Rob needs to chill and if Kristen wants to screw guys on camera well hell! let her! shes a big girl n she can do what she wants.

  22. rickrock says

    Yep. I can’t wait until Kristen is not associated with this alcoholic cokehead douchebag know as Robert Pattinson. I’d take a hot pothead anyday. When will the Twi-hards start burning their Team Edward shirts?

    Dude, seriously this is the greatest blog ever. Don’t listen to some life fails who can’t stand the word vagina.

  23. PasserBy says

    This gossip blog is sounds more juvenile than the mold they have attempted to cast on the actors from Twilight.

    Gossip for grown ups? Why because you use the word vagina?
    Seriously lame banter by Stuart Heritage.
    Next…

  24. Jon says

    OK Stuart, you’re #1 Hecklerspray writer again, I give in. Halt your mid- life crisis, get back on the horse and take the reigns. Hecklerspray needs you. Who else is going to literally puddles of tweens with a biological term? Who else has the chutzpah to write that closing sentence? I think I love you, please be mine.

  25. Jon says

    Dammit. In my excitement I omitted the word “upset”, which was somewhat fundamental. It’s further evidence of my love for you…

  26. Cookie Monster says

    Good job, Sierra, you almost made it all of the way through the first ten comments! *slow clap*

  27. Enia says

    They are GOOD KIDS making the best they can with what they have. Robert and Kristen are very calm, humble young people. Not greedy.Do not court any media attention. The girl is barely visible. Their fans are crazy, but not them.What did they do to deserve all that hate? Got lucky to make some money and fame. They are not sell outs.Older actors, celebrities should learn from them.They are very old fashioned to me.

  28. tokindaddy says

    you see tessa, you went and called him a moron, when in fact, you are, ha ha ha! that’s a good one!

  29. Dana says

    Sounds like someone is VERY JEALOUS of Rob, and so youll know his fans range from little girls to older women. Hes handsome, talented, and rich so I dont think he will be begging for a woman. Most men wouldnt like for their wife or girlfriend to do something like this, would you? I would feel alot worse if my boyfriend didnt care that I was doing a movie like this.

  30. Dana says

    I dont understand why the people who are not fans waste their time watching, discussing and writing about things. Can anyone explain how your life can be so dull that all you have to do with it is bash people that are in movies etc..Dont interact with people that like it and dont worry about if anyone wants any S#!T out of you they will squeeze you.

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