The Runaways is an important film for Kristen Stewart – it’s her chance to show that there’s more to her than sparkly vampires.
It’s important for Dakota Fanning, too. But for different reasons. You see, if the newly-released The Runaways trailer is anything to go by, the film is Dakota Fanning’s chance to prove that she can waggle her boobs around in an unsettlingly sexy piece of lingerie. That’s Dakota Fanning. Who, last time we checked, was about four years old. Yikes.
You can watch the new The Runaways trailer after the jump – complete with full hecklerspray scene-by-scene analysis – but remember: if you do watch it, you’ll probably end up on some sort of pervert register. She’s four years old, for crying out loud.
Although the Twilight movies are massively popular, they’re also incomparably rubbish. That’s why all the actors involved in Twilight are currently busting a gut to show that they’re actual actors and not a two-bit collection of lip-bites, painted-on abs and interminable middle-distance stares. Robert Pattinson, for instance has Remember Me. And Anna Kendrick has Up In The Air. And Michael Sheen has Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans.
But Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning mean business. They’ve made The Runaways, a film that couldn’t wish to be an Oscar contender any harder without over-straining and crapping down the inside of its leg. The Runaways is a biopic about a musician, you see, and they always win Oscars. Ray won Oscars. Walk The Line won Oscars. Amadeus won Oscars. However, The Runaways might not actually win any Oscars, for three reasons:
1) The Runaways is about Joan Jett who is still alive. Biopics about still-alive musicians never win Oscars.
2) Nobody cares about Joan Jett.
3) The Runaways stars Kristen Stewart – an actress who, unless we’re missing something, only has one facial expression.
But, hey, take a look at the just-released The Runaways trailer and see what you can make of it anyway…
What? Wow! We can barely make head nor tail of The Runaways trailer with all its flashy editing and hip young rock and roll music. Let’s slow it down and take it scene-by-scene, shall we?
THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE ONE
“In 1975,” we’re told “rock was a man’s world.” But Joan Jett put all that right, didn’t she? Now crowds of screaming girls going crazy for a male heartthrob are a thing of the past, aren’t they? Aren’t they, Robert Pattinson’s co-star Kristen Stewart? Yes they are. Well done Joan Jett.
THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE TWO
There’s that facial expression we were just telling you about.
THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE THREE
See that woman there? The one on the far right? The one wearing a basque and little knickers and nothing else? That’s Dakota Fanning. That’s Dakota Fanning, you pervert! She’s only four! And you just looked at a picture of her in her knickers! Urrr, we’re calling the police on you, you pervert! Urr!
THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE FOUR
It’s no good submerging yourself in bathwater, Kristen. We know it’s still the same facial expression. You’re fooling nobody. Jeez.
THE RUNAWAYS TRAILER SCENE FIVE
Dakota Fanning again. HAPPY NOW, YOU PERVERT?
There, that’s literally everything you need to know about The Runaways. You don’t need to go and see it now, do you?
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angela says
Oh shut the fuck up you stupid twat.
This film is going to rock.
Carry says
C’mon the woman rocks that’s all there is to it…of course she co created her own label and is still producing and la la la. Did you ever noticed how many try to pull off rock star and are cute but miss the wild mark? I don’t know how the movie will be, and I have no part in the twilight tween craze, but seeing Joan Jett play is a great time. She comes this way, I’ll be there is a black heartbeat!
Lauren says
Stuart Heritage right!?
what kinds of drugs did you take before write it?
or are you just trying to get some attention?
Margie says
Wow, how ignorant can you possibly get. It’s Joan to the fucking Jett. Your WAY OFF impresions of this movie are ridiculous. Kristen Stewart to me, can do whatever she fucking wants, and frankly, The Runaways is the best decision yet. And what do you want? For her to be labeled Bella her whole life, no. She can do whatever she wants. Dakota Fanning well..look at her shes not 4 years old anymore. Your not her mom, so fuck off.
JOAN JETT first woman to have her label.
first female rocker.
legend.
Icon.
Shall i go on..They dont need your demeaning comments, because this movie is gonna rock, and who needs a fucking Oscar to rock.
Twilighterxxx says
Thats just harsh!
Kristen and Dakota are Amazing!
And this film (and the twilight saga might i add)Rock!
So shut the hell up!
dk says
Do your research before you write, it is obvious that you know nothing about the Runaways, Joan Jett and Kristen Stewart…
MArt says
We know Kristen put a lot of hard work into portraying Joan well. Joan was on the set ever day and she wouldn’t let anyone get away with doing a bad impression of her. Everyone’s gonna rock it.
dalia says
ooh geez shut up . i thought she is great here , i ‘m not a fan of her but her but she looks so badass here not like moppy annoying fucking BELLA
BS says
I AM GOING TO WATCH IT. AND WILL NOT STAY TO LIVE IN A CAVE LIKE THE PERVERT WRITER THAT YOU ARE
belinda jetthead says
fuck off! u motherfucker! u re the pervert! u dont know nothing about joan jett !!!! screw u! your opinion is a bullshit! as you are!
halo says
I love it when the ‘spray gets a link off google, funny to watch the idiots come in and get all freaky.
IT’S SATIRE YOU IDIOTS!
Yes Kristen Stewart only has 1 face. If her Mommy and Daddy weren’t screen writers – SHE WOULDN’T BE AN ACTRESS
The fact that JJ wants NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS PIC. Tells me everything I need to know. Which is: its cack and I’m not coughing up 15.00 to see it.
kitsune says
Oh my god! I’m laughing so hard at the responses here. Jesus has humor been subjicated to the past memories of time? Can no one see humor anymore? Your comments and reactions made me laugh harder then I was laughing at the article. Seriously take a look at what your writing.. Thank you all for a laugh. And thank you Steve Heritage for making it all possible.
Marcela says
you’re an idiot joan jett was the producer and she was on set everyday moron plus she cast kristen stewart to play her
KungxFu says
Contrary to just about everyone who commented, bar halo and kitsune, I thought this was hilarious :D
And waay true about the Kristen Stewart mono-expression..
Brandi says
There are just a few things I should say Stuart.
1: Your’e probablly some old washed up wannabe actor who never made it so you critisize the ones who everyone will know about.
2: If Dakota is four, then why do you masterbate to her.
I bet you do, whose the perve now.
3: And I bet you keep the same expression the whole time, huh? Don’t you Stuart?
4: I’m laughing too, because of how immature you are about this, how old are you?
Maybe your five! That totally gives you the excuse to masterbate to Dakota..
My Bad.
Girl4Jesus says
Oh very nice, to use the word he!! on a public website! Shows how low the Tw!l!ght people will go I suppose. Not appropriate for HecklersPray.com methinks.
You need to look back at yourself and reject S@t@n who is obviously corrupting and influencing your actions (Romans, 11:3).
I’ll pray for you. Keep the faith! (not a Bon Jovi thing)
G4J
bebe says
somehow, it’s tru, no body give joan jett cares in the world. maybe only in US but others, we even didn’t know her. LOL.
stelange says
stfu! you are consumed with hatred. face the mirror and see what is wrong with you. i bet you dont even want to see your fugly face. atleast she is an actress and every director in the industry would want to get hold of her raw talent. what about you? still nibbling those nails because you are a failure and would want to be in her shoes? make your comments unbiased. whatever you do she is still ahead of you and very much in demand. suck up your envious pathetic self!!
Legion says
do0d, it’s quite obvious by the tenor of your scene-by-scene “decode” that you are nothing but an immature, ignorant a$$hat. Ms. Stewart demonstrates more talent and intelligence in her “one expression” than you do in an entire volume of reviews.
So eff you and the horse you rode in on, talentless hack writer. This movie looks pretty damn tasty, unlike this piece of drivel that you, in all probability, have the pelotas to call writing.
I sincerely hope that you and your sister Twitards have fun at your next “Kristen Stewart only has one expression and Ihatehersomuchbecauseshe’swithRobandI’mnot” meeting. What? You’re not already a member? You sure as sh1t could have fooled me, what with your “one expression” comments because that’s *exactly* what all those stupid little girls and nasty-azz Robsessed cougars say when they want to get their jealous on.
Whatevs.
magnetite says
This is great news for cinema cleaners. One side of the theatre full of squeeing Twighlighters pissing their seats; the other side full of aging, balding men spraying the backs of the ones in front of them.
Get the Marigolds and the overtime sheets out, Gladys. It’s a bonanza!
StuFan#1 says
OMG!!!!!!!!!1 Don,t any of all of you even not know who you are dealing with? here?This is the sitepage of a Certain Miser Stuart heritage who in case of you don,t know (like I can’t even believe any one doesn’t! (don,t know) is the leading sitepage creater in the world. I as one will not stand up and watch you jump him just because he writes truth about Kirsten Stuart so go and play some where else and don,t do it here (jump him)
Erin says
you’re a douche. get a life or at least support things you like, instead of putting this film down. you haven’t even seen it yet, you twat.
twifan says
Stuart Heritage, have you been living under a rock for the past few years because the last time i checked dakota fanning was 15, which by the way is the same age as cherie currie was when she joined the band. And as for kristen stewart having only one facial expression, what are you, blind. Even if she did i really wouldn’t mind being paid millions of dollars for having one facial expression. These two actresses probably have more talent and maturity in their little finger than you could hope to achieve in your life time, you little dweeb. Have you ever heard of a date because seriously you need to get out more and get a life.
twifan says
totally agree with you, how can you critacize a film you have not even see, probably has nothing else to do in his meaningless life.
Jess says
Margie I agree with all of the above accept your 2nd on the list. Joan Jett modelled herself on Suzy Quatro…But both chicks kick ass…
For all you haters and preachers out there, why the fuck are you even commenting on here…Go crawl back under the rock you came out from
hoohaahee says
Things that have made me laugh this morning:
– The estrogen-induced-ranting.
– The number of people posting their opinions on this blog who, while expecting us to take them seriously, cannot even spell the word “criticize”.
– The Fact that, in the history of rock (sexuality excluded, going on pure talent/comparisons to their rock peers) Joan jett and the runaways were, indeed, shite.
*sitting here waiting for the inevitable, knee-jerk “man criticizing female singer is labelled “sexist” response*
Chris says
Looking forward to this but mainly because of Floria Sigismondi involvement, check out some of her music videos. More details about the movie here http://bit.ly/6FrZbn
paiiiaa says
I’ll definitely be watching this flick.
k-stewFAN says
yo im not sayin any thing about the vid cuz i havnt seen it yet and im not sayin this cuz my idol is kristen stewart but the film is probably gonna be cuz well u know all these actors will be great and stuff. another thing i wanted to say was that readin all these conversations and agruments was soo funni lol
rhos says
Lude, (yeah, that’s an L) get a fargin’ neuron, aye?
No, not a brain. Clearly that’s beyond the existing capacities.
But at least establish one little cell before you try to roll with the little guys.
I’ll tell you what