Dakota Fanning: if you’re reading this, run. Really, run. Run. It’s infectious. Get out now before it gets you too.
Swine flu? No, this is much more dangerous. We’re talking about the pandemic of bewilderingly awful haircuts sweeping through the New Moon cast. Robert Pattinson we already knew about – but we could deal with his terrible haircut because it was an isolated case, plus there’s a chance that he’s being ironic or suffers from self-loathing or something.
But now Kristen Stewart has done it too – her new haircut is half tatty scarecrow mullet and half barely-alive lawnmower-mangled crow. It’s harrowing.
It’s hard not to feel sorry for Kristen Stewart, isn’t it? After all, she’s the lead character in the Twilight films – the entire series is about how she goes from an awkward schoolgirl to a fully-fledged woman who gets knocked up by an elf or whatever – and yet all the Twilight fans want to do is spray urine at each other every time it looks like Robert Pattinson is going to take his top off.
In fact it’s worse than that. Twilight fans actually hate Kristen Stewart, partly because she gets paid to touch Robert Pattinson – something that they’d all happily chainsaw a limb off to be able to do – and partly because her very existence means that the Twilight films have to include scenes featuring her, rather than the whole thing being one long continuous shot of Robert Pattinson rubbing ice cubes on his bare nipples in a pair of leopardskin Speedos while licking his lips.
If reports are to be believed, Kristen Stewart has tried to get on a level pegging with Robert Pattinson in all kinds of different ways – by ignoring him, by seducing him – but these are desperate times, so Kristen has done the only thing left open to her. That’s right – Kristen Stewart has become Robert Pattinson.
Alright, she hasn’t actually become him. But she has given herself a particularly bad haircut, which is kind of the same thing. It’s awful. It’s a black mullet that looks like it was cut by a nervous man with delirium tremors in the back of a van going full pelt over a set of speed bumps. It looks like Kristen Stewart went into the hairdressers and said “Imagine what the Wicked Witch Of The West would look like if she woke up hungover in a bush to discover a cow trying to eat her scalp off. That please.”
It looks like a pube wound. It makes her look like a guest on an imaginary redneck zombie edition of Jerry Springer. It makes her look like all of the Rolling Stones, in the 1970s, in the middle of a crippling shampoo drought, in a rainstorm. With nits. Look at it. It’s rubbish. It’s… oh, it’s for a film. Oh. First Showing reports:
A paparazzi shot of Kristen Stewart sporting a jet black mullet hairdo for The Runaways has made its way online. Stewart plays singer and guitarist Joan Jett of the 1970s all-girl rock band The Runaways. The biopic is being written and directed by Italian music video director Floria Sigismondi.
Oh, thank God. Panic over, everyone. Kristen Stewart hasn’t got a rubbish haircut after all – she’s just starring in a film about a woman with a rubbish haircut. Phew. She’s got nothing in common with Robert Pattinson at all, then.
Well, you know, apart from the mumbling and the constantly gloomy expression and the starring in crappy films about teenage vampires. But that’s a given, isn’t it?
kate says
Your writing makes me throw up a little in my mouth Stuart. Your options don’t make me angry, only sad for your lack of writing skills. I couldn’t even get beyond the first couple of paragraphs. You lost me at your comment about how fans would “spray urine at each other”. I only clicked on this link because I also think K. Stew’s new hairstyle is not as attractive a look for her as her previous long locks. I just wanted to see pictures.
Surely you must understand that she cut her hair for her 2 upcoming movie roles for the 70’s girl band movie and the Joan Jett movie. There were lots of unfortunate hairstyles in the 70’s as I’m sure you have lived through many of them. Many actors have had to shave their heads or gain or loose an unhealthy amount of weight to play a roll. I guess that’s why they get the big bucks.
I’m no conservative or prude but I can’t stand reading your bitter, crude, insulting high school potty humor anymore. You might want to check your local community education writing classes to hone your writing skills…or lack of skills as the case may be.
Best of luck to you in the future.
Emily says
OMFG wat a stupid artical ur a f..king idiot why put this on the internet and say shes copying rob and find out its for a movie and still put it up its so dumb ur not cool besides its not about the way some1 looks its about wats on the inside f..king idiot.
David Scarborough says
Are you sure it’s for a movie and not that she’s just stoned as usual?
I suppose you’d have to have that sort of escapism if you had to stare in Pattinson’s dull, vacant eyes for your nine to five.
Amanda says
Your article makes you sound so Ignorant. If you don’t like the Twilight hype, then don’t watch it and keep your stupid comments to yourself, no one wants to hear your sarcastic rude comments. And why don’t you get your facts straight before making fun of her hair, give her some credit for getting into the part she’s going to play for the new Joan Jett movie. Sure she could have worn a wig, but she’s devoting herself to the film completely, that’s what makes a good actor. Her and Robert weren’t big stars before and aren’t use to all this, this is a lot to take in for them, and she’s not the type of person who likes all eyes on her. You can tell she gets nervous still, and some people are shy around a lot of people like that. She’s not that bad, there’s worse people out there in the world, you don’t need to bash on her so much. what makes you so god damn special and better than her or anyone, and how do we know your not f’n ugly yourself. Most people who have to talk about other people are just jealous usually, and aren’t that good looking themslves!!
cara says
She cuts her hair inconjunction with the new role Joan Jett.Have you not heard about the Runaways at least?Geezzzz!
Charlotte says
You’re article made me laugh so much! Good job.
Karla says
LOL!! It kind of looks like my haircut!!
Lindsey says
Wow, little bit of bitterness on the part of other commentors. Okay – this article is meant to be funny and not taken so seriously. MY MY, laugh much? I found it to be very amusing, and it’s hard not to admit that the haircut is pretty terrible. But whatever, it’s for a film. Makes you feel kind of bad actually, she didn’t have a lot of choice. SIMMER DOWN, and enjoy the silly-ness.
dead yeti says
you know the best thing about ‘twilight’ stories on Hecklerspray is the comment section – always good for a laugh
hey girls check this link out your love it:
http://www.cracked.com/article_16878_if-twilight-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html
Kaci says
Wow, harsh comments. Even though I am a big fan of Twilight, I actually found your article to be quite entertaining. Also, her hair does look quite awful even it is supposed to be that way for a movie.
Kristin says
Seriously? I’m really sick of people talking about Kristen Stewart, and Robert Pattinson for that matter, like they’re inanimate objects with no feelings. First off- Twilight fans are nuts, it’s true, but everyone has a reason for their hysteria, and we can’t judge them for it. Secondly, Kristen and Robert are just two kids who happen to be spectacular actors. They got thrust into the spotlight, without warning, but they’ve both stayed true to themselves despite it. And for that we should respect them. If Kristen wants to get into a role by cutting her hair- as aweful as it might be- she’s being authentic… and brave. Something not many people are used to. I just hope that both of them stay real, unique, and true to themselves. It’s a message I don’t think teenagers hear or understand enough. Let them be artists, let them make stupid decisions, it’s part of it. I’d rather Kristen cut her hair into a mullet and stay KRISTEN, than wear a Cartier bracelet and Hermes belts and be a total fraud. You rock it girl- the movie’s gonna be great, and we all know you’re putting everything into it- and for that you get our respect. Black mullet and all.
OhJay. says
Well I happen to like Twilight very much. I guess I’m one of Rob’s stupid fan girls, but I didn’t really take offense to the article. Actually I found it quite amusing. I feel sorry for Kristen because everyone on the whole planet is going to be bashing her ner look, but the way you described it made me laugh. I thought this whole article was incrediably funny. Even if the cut’s for a movie, it’s still horrid. I guess everyone is going to have their own opinion on this, but I thought yours was really entertaining.
taylor says
Well, this is very rude. She did this for a movie, not because she was copying Rob? If you don’t like her or Rob or Twilight in general then stop making rude comments and stories based on your opinions. She’s a good actress if she’ll actually go and get a whole different look just to get into character.
Janet says
Lol this made me laugh! Stuart your funny!
Karla says
How much is she getting paid for this role?
I’d ruin my hair for a few million! In a heartbeat.
Hair grows back :D And eventhough she may not be the best actress in Twilight and has a bad haircut, the publicity is shifting focus towards the Joan Jett movie. I hope she can pull it off.
LOL @ “long continuous shot of Robert Pattinson rubbing ice cubes on his bare nipples in a pair of leopardskin Speedos while licking his lips.”
And I thought the line about “spray urine at each other” was hilarious!!!
Tyler says
I like it. Especially the throw up in my mouth bit.
This guy obviously has no clue about anything. The article is rubbish, the haircut is cool. And I haven’t heard any haters rant for a while…
K-Stew is dedicated. Can’t wait to see The Runaways.
Christina says
OMG That is soooo funny!!!
F–king tweens need to be quiet… seriously, go listen to the Jonas Brothers or Hannah Montana or some stupid crap like that. You guys take stuff way too seriously.
heather says
I am really certain since the link provided within the article points to an article that clearly states she looks like a 70’s heroine addict because of the Joan Jett movie that hecklerspray KNOWS IT’S BECAUSE OF THE FREAKING MOVIE!
Get a life.
Stop a troll.
Tiff says
Ok, so the style is bad but it is for a role in a movie, I only clicked this link to see pics of Kristen Stewart’s new hairstyle, but I do not see why you have to bash Twilight or Kristen Stewart, She is beautiful and I do not Know any Twilight fans who hate her.This is a rediculous article!!!
Brit says
Hilarious! Props to you man! It wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t fully deserve to look stupid for being a bit of an ungrateful snot. Sorry to upset the die-hard ass-wiperz of Kristen Screw-up :)
Hannah says
I completely agree with Kate. Well expressed! You should take some lessons from Kate as far as your writing skills go.
And you’re wrong about Twilight fans hating Kristen Stewart. That’s far from the truth! I LOVE her! And I know of a hell of a lot of people that do too!
Do some research before you start running you mouth off about things you don’t understand.
bolly says
its rather scary isnt it. like i hope by the time thier all potentially voting on important issues, policies and potential presidents that platforms and campaigning parties arent done up like twilight movies and sappy pop music,(i mean surely, how could any faction of the government not see the ridiculous followings these things create?) if so the entire western hemisphere is fucked.
Missy says
I thought the article was funny! I am a fan of the Twilight books but not the movie, does anyone think any of these actors can actually act?? I have seen a few movies that Kristen Stewart has appeared in and every one is the same. BAD!! Plus she has been on a few talk shows and unfortunatly the girl is not to bright.
Jake says
I wish Kristen hadent cut her hair it was so pretty before. Oh well could’ve just been a bad haircut. It’ll grow out again… eventually
Maya says
im a big fan of twilight, kristen stewart and robert pattinson like the rest of the world, but that article made me laugh
Ashley says
ahhhhh…..tell all the others to shut there traps. Give me a break ppl…Stuart you’re friggin hilarious. keep doing what you’re doing. im a twilight fan too plz…go build your friggin opinionated bridges (elsewhere) and GET OVER IT! Oh and call your doctor too…tell em to check out your bum hole…there may be a stick up it.
Julias says
Oh dear, so funny! KS is so god-awful, haircut or not. The sound of her voice makes me cringe!
Caroline says
two upcoming roles.
hello! joan jett WAS THE 70’S GIRL BAND! A’DUHH!
You are just an angry twilight fan who doesn’t even look something up, just assumes. Go crawl in a hole with your Meyer books.
ever says
dude, she has to get that hiddius thing so she can play Joan Jett in the runaways
stef says
I don’t know if you will know I’m replying, but she did have a choice. She could have worn a wig. I think I read some where that she may have used a wig/extensions for Twilight, which makes sense, as her natural hair looks seems to have less volume.
That said, I agree that A) this is a funny article, and B) not everyone can rock a black mullet. Joan Jett, sure. Kristen Stewart… not as well.
Mea says
hahahahaha!!!!!!!!! Im a Twilight fam myself, but the movies are getting way too much publicity..seriously, Fandom is all around and there is no way to escape the tide…yeah, the haircut kinda freaks me out…but I guess her being blonde like she is in Panic Room when she was like 12 or something would scare some fans too ;) lol Dude, what is your obsession with the word urine? Funny, and weird…
Patsy says
She did it for a film.
It just shows how divoted she is to her acting career.
Kaitlin says
totes hilarious. my favorite part was “looks like it was cut by a nervous man with delirium tremors in the back of a van going full pelt over a set of speed bumps.”
I laughed so hard I was in tears.
All y’all kstew fans need to get a sense of humor. I mean be honest with yourselves the haircut is pretty effing bad.
tiff says
i like the haircut