That Kristen Stewart is such a lucky girl – she gets to kiss all the hotties. Robert Pattinson. Taylor Lautner.
Dakota Fanning. Honestly, she’s – hang on! Dakota Fanning? The creepy four-year-old from War Of The Worlds? What the hell is Kristen Stewart doing kissing Dakota Fanning? Doesn’t she realise that Dakota Fanning a) is a girl, b) is about four years old and c) permanently carries the grim, haunted expression of a girl who’s just been asked to show a policeman where daddy touched her on a doll?
Oh, it was all for a non-Twilight related film? Phew, that’s good news. At least this way nobody will actually end up seeing it.
Of all the Twilight fan fiction in the world, we’re willing to bet good money that less romantic scenes have been writen featuring Bella and Jane than any other combination of characters. Stories about Bella kissing Edward? Definitely. Stories about Bella kissing Jacob? Absolutely. Stories about Edward kissing Jacob? Almost definitely? Stories about that bloke who looks like he should be in The Matrix kissing Tony Blair? Why, we’ve written several volumes ourselves.
But stories about Bella and Jane getting it on? It just doesn’t seem likely. That’s partly because exploitative sub-Wild Things lesbianism probably isn’t at the forefront of too many Twilight readers’ minds, and partly because Bella is played by Kristen Stewart who looks like a stroppy adolescent horse, and Jane is played by Dakota Fanning who is about three years old. Twilight readers aren’t sick, you know. Humourless and stupid, possibly, but not sick.
Another reason why there’s no Kristen Stewart/ Dakota Fanning fan fiction is because they’ve already had a bit of a kiss in real life, for their upcoming film The Runaways. The film has already caused a stir for several reasons – because Kristen Stewart had to have get a haircut that looked like a regurgitated crow for it, because Dakota Fanning jiggles around in her underwear for much of the film and because the whole thing generally looks arsebuckets.
But the Stewart/ Fanning kiss has sealed the deal, and it’s what both Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning have had to spend much of their time addressing during the film’s promotional activities at Sundance. MTV reports:
“I don’t think it was ever a big deal to me,” Fanning explained, adding that having Cherie and Joan Jett (Kristen Stewart) kiss in the film “was just a thing, another day” for the characters. Stewart echoed Fanning’s sentiment, “It was never a big deal to me either … especially the way it was written into the story and the way it wasn’t, ‘And they finally get together.”
See? Even though it’s all they can talk about, because it’s the sole interesting thing about the entire film, Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning really couldn’t care less about the kiss. Just get over it already, grandpa. And pray that The Runaways isn’t a success – because if it is, we’re going to get our dreadlocked Matrix guy/ Tony Blair fan fiction turned into a movie, too. And it’s got an awful lot of rimjobs in it.