Hey, you! Have you seen the hot new romantic comedy When In Rome starring Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard?

No? That’s OK! Neither has anyone else! Because it looks like arse! But WAIT! What if we told you that Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard had decided to get engaged less than one week after the film’s release? Would you want to see When In Rome then? Still no? Because you’re too clever to fall for such a transparently desperate marketing ploy? Us too! Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard, you should be ashamed of yourselves!

What’s that? Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard have actually been together for years, and in reality they got engaged over a month ago? Oh boy. This is going to be one dull story.

Jennifer Aniston, you can breathe a sigh of relief. We know that, for a second there, you were worried that Kristen Bell was gunning for your crown of Woman Most Likely To Become Romantically Involved To Her Leading Man For The Duration Of Her Movie’s Promotional Cycle, but it turns out that’s not the case at all.

We know, we know, we heard that Kristen Bell was getting engaged to her When In Rome co-star Dax Shepard and we thought the same thing too. Here we go, we thought, this’ll last until the DVD comes out and then they’ll break up so that Kristen Bell can latch onto someone from her next film like, according to IMDb, Billy Unger or Patrick Duffy or Jamie Lee Curtis or Sigourney Weaver or Betty White.

And then she’ll move onto someone from her next film, like Cher or the man who had a small uncredited role as Buccaneer Pirate Chef in 2008′s Nim’s Island. Oh yes, we know Kristen Bell’s sort, we thought.

Except apparently we don’t. Because it turns out that Kristen Bell has actually been Dax Shepard’s girlfriend for years, and they’ve been engaged for ages. This is just a story about a woman getting engaged to her long-time boyfriend. You’re right, this is no fun at all. Not even MSNBC can find anything interesting to say about it, look:

Bell’s rep, Marcel Pariseau, confirms to PEOPLE: “Yes they are engaged. Over the holidays.” The secret to their great relationship both off and on the set? … “A snuggle party can fix anything — it’s true.”

Oh God, we don’t know what we’d like to do more – vomit into our lap and then punch ourselves unconscious or punch ourself unconscious and hope that we’ve retained the muscle memory to vomit onto our lap.

Still, very well – congratulations on being happy and normal, Kristen Bell. Please inform us of what colour you want the tablecloths at your wedding reception to be, because no doubt we’ll pad that out to fill a 450-word article too. Cuh.

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